Sunday, July 1, 2007


So, what about the anger that I feel?

Anger at Jim for leaving me this mess to cleanup. These things to do by myself. These things that we used to do as a team that now I must do myself. Anger that the system we worked out has fallen into dissarray because he is gone.

Oh, I know in my heart this is stupid, and selfish, but it is still there. As is the pain that he is gone. I get mad and yell at him. Usually as I am getting done these things that need doing. I am thinking out what I have to do, and even as I yell, I am doing them. I am carrying the dog food bag and the 32 water bottles in the house. I am cleaning the kitty litter and ironing. Yet I yell at him (and God) for leaving me this way. And then of course I start to cry and wish I wasn't angry and that he wasn't gone.

Sometimes I just roll my eyes, cock in eyebrow and say 'thanks'. Knowing Jim, he would understand and hear the humor in my voice as I said it. We always bantered back and forth with each other and we both were always ready with sarcasm and in a joking manner. And then we would laugh together. Laughing makes any situation less tense. And we both love to laugh.

The anger comes from some frustrations, some feeling of overwhelment and some just of a grief process (so they say). It is not all the time, not every day (no I am not cussing Jim out every day) but just once in awhile when there is an important decision to make, or a heavy thing to move, or more papers to go thru. There is a feeling maybe not of anger, but of self pity and then of how stinking selfish I am to feel this.

I am getting by, day by day, step by step, but never like we had as a team together. I guess it never will be again. We were a great team, we had our moments, but we also complemented each other in our abilities. What he could do, I couldn't and vice a versa. I will sometimes think 'what would Jim do' and then either do that, or I have to think outside the box to figure a way for me to handle it. Of course, knowing what the box is first helps to be able to think outside of it.

And damn, I know he would rather be here, at my side. I KNOW that. In the depths of my heart and the bottom of my soul I know that. And that helps the anger recede, disappear and the heart to crumble. But after that, I really feel a little better and maybe even purged. I can even imagine his arms wrapped around me. And that really helps.

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