Thursday, December 31, 2009


2010 - the new decade not the movie.

I will be one of those people that will be saying "twenty ten" and one of those other people that will call it "two thousand ten". It will depend on what pops out of my brain when I say it. I don't like the sound of "twenty eleven" so when it gets to be a year from now what will I say.

This has been a decade of craziness. In 2000/2001 Jim and I were visiting a friend in NH and seated in front of a fireplace and we had the vhs in the vcr playing the intro music 2001 as the clock turned to midnight. We had packed and gone up there because that was when the world was going to come crashing down around us. I had the tub of TP, water, canned stuff, blankets and such in the car. I don't know if I ever told my friends about it.

It was in 2001 that my mom passed away and in 2002 we moved back to Jim's mom's house where we stayed. I don't remember much of 2003 or 2004 (I probably will after I type this out) but 2005 is when I had my bad accident and had to stop driving. 2006 Jim got his job with the super stressful job at the USPS and I started a new job. 2007 we lost Jim's brother in March and Jim in May and the world crashed around me. 2008 Dad passed away and more of the world crashed. 2009 was when I lost my dog.

That all sounds so sad. Okay, lets try again. 2001 we had a Dal picnic and I got to see several of the Dalmatians Jim and I had rescued and fostered come to visit with their new owners. In 2002 we moved. That was both good and bad so I will list it twice. I have to go look at what we did in 2003 and 2004. I know one thing was to get back in touch with my siblings and get much closer to my father. That was the best thing about moving back here. Dad and I bonded. In 2005 I learned once again how much Jim loved me. He was so patient with me about the accident and getting me to and from work. 2006 brought us our TiVo - a new toy that was a lot of fun and let our tv watching addiction get fulfilled by our not missing shows.

2007. Well before Jim died we visited Jim's brother in Georgia and it was a wonderful trip. One of the things his brother said at the funeral has always stuck with me. He said he knew how much we loved each other when in one stolen moment that we were visiting Jim was not feeling well and stayed in the car while the others went out to the store. I stayed with him and we held hands in the backseat and Jim kissed my hand and put his head on my shoulder. He said it was a precious moment that he viewed.
2008 I got my license back and inherited my dad's car. In 2009 I traded it in for cash for clunkers and got my new beautiful I love it Versa.

For the next decade? I don't know. I can only hope.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

December 29

It's another Tuesday morning. Another 29th.

I walked around remembering that horrid tuesday and still after 2 years and 7 months. It seems odd but the significance and thus memories it hit me at different times of this day.

The internet can find anything for you. Calculate time from one date to another.

945 days

81,648,000 seconds
1,360,800 minutes
22,680 hours
135 weeks

I am missing you Jimbo. Still and always missing you.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Sharing the need for gifts

Christmas is past and I am taking a deep breath. All the presents have been given out and received and the meal eaten and now is the time of momentary relaxation before the new year begins.

A friend of mine who is divorced and has no family was chatting with me about 'no surprise' christmases. I brought up that it is hard to have a christmas when you know what all the presents under the tree are. No surprises from the husband or children. We both have said that yes we buy a couple big gifts for ourselves but it is not the same as having a handful or so of little trinkets that you see and say "I know so and so would love this" and stick it under the tree. So we decided to exchange box full of presents with each other. We had a limit and the gifts had to be small, almost stocking stuffers, but not quite.

Well, shopping was fun. I got some whimisical and some practical things for her and in return got some of the same. But they were things that teased me all wrapped up and under the tree for almost two weeks before Christmas. Oh boy was it tough not to open them!

We have already decided to do this again next year.

Thursday, December 17, 2009


Today has been a symphony of moments. A moment to get addresses for holiday cards and another moment to address and lick them. All done to the beat of the little drummer boy or the ho ho ho up on the rooftops. Another moment to grab something to eat echoed by the groan when I saw the parking ticket on the car after dinner. A rush here and a rush there and there a rush and everywhere a rush because it's beginning to look a lot like a holiday. The music is louder here where the wrapping paper is drowning out the sound of the cat leaping in and out of the boxes and the dog eyeing the christmas cookie. It all swirls and swooshes into a thursday the likes of which we have never seen.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

End of the year

Last night I had this blog all written out in my head. I was lamenting (to myself) about how I hadn't kept up the writing and why.

Some of the reason was time. That is an issue. I find myself coming home from work, and not wanting to look at the computer screen. I had looked at one all day. I wanted to crash on the couch and not deal with dishes, clothes, food or anything. Just watch some tv and fall asleep there. Stumble up to bed when I wake myself to my own snoring and start again the next day.

Some of the reason was what was there to say that I hadn't already said. I have thought out what to write and then shook my head. I have thought I would just sit down and vent and then thought it would just sound like I was venting and whining and what was the point.

Mostly I think it is because if I start writing then I have to admit a few things to myself.

I have had a really rough fall. It crept up on me but somewhere this fall I started getting hit BAM with lonliness. Maybe because it is birthdays, anniversaries and holidays all crammed into three months. Bam bam bam. I am in a mind set that I hear a song and start to cry alittle. I see a cute thing in the store and think how cool that would be for Jim and then am sorry that he will never see it. Oh, I manage day by day and am okay. I still put on clothes and go to work and get things done there. But home is just a stasis cube. A place to be between work and sleep.

Maybe it is the early darkness. I can blame it on that anyway.

November 29th came and went without me mentioning that marked two and a half years without Jim. That made me sad. Almost every other day I think, I need to add to the blog. I am not sure where the motivation went. I hope to get it back.