Wednesday, December 16, 2009

End of the year

Last night I had this blog all written out in my head. I was lamenting (to myself) about how I hadn't kept up the writing and why.

Some of the reason was time. That is an issue. I find myself coming home from work, and not wanting to look at the computer screen. I had looked at one all day. I wanted to crash on the couch and not deal with dishes, clothes, food or anything. Just watch some tv and fall asleep there. Stumble up to bed when I wake myself to my own snoring and start again the next day.

Some of the reason was what was there to say that I hadn't already said. I have thought out what to write and then shook my head. I have thought I would just sit down and vent and then thought it would just sound like I was venting and whining and what was the point.

Mostly I think it is because if I start writing then I have to admit a few things to myself.

I have had a really rough fall. It crept up on me but somewhere this fall I started getting hit BAM with lonliness. Maybe because it is birthdays, anniversaries and holidays all crammed into three months. Bam bam bam. I am in a mind set that I hear a song and start to cry alittle. I see a cute thing in the store and think how cool that would be for Jim and then am sorry that he will never see it. Oh, I manage day by day and am okay. I still put on clothes and go to work and get things done there. But home is just a stasis cube. A place to be between work and sleep.

Maybe it is the early darkness. I can blame it on that anyway.

November 29th came and went without me mentioning that marked two and a half years without Jim. That made me sad. Almost every other day I think, I need to add to the blog. I am not sure where the motivation went. I hope to get it back.


Evanesco said...

shit. I'm right there with you in the blues. White Light coming from the old Kimba. It's still in there somewhere!

thorny said...

Dearest Betsy!

I have been following your Facebook posts, so have known that you are alive (and well?) ---
I've also found that my blog posts can be more introspective than I care or want to handle; while Facebook provides a quick statement or note along with almost immediate comment/feedback.

Anyway, I'm so glad you did post here...and honestly shared your struggle. I am kicking myself for not leaving a personal note when your posting lessened -- this is a good reminder for me to look more outward myself to others' needs. Blessings on your end-of-the-week and weekend,

Rach said...

I'm glad to hear you are hanging in there. This time of year is just hard.

Know I'm thinking about you and praying for you. Hang in there.