End of the year

Last night I had this blog all written out in my head. I was lamenting (to myself) about how I hadn't kept up the writing and why.

Some of the reason was time. That is an issue. I find myself coming home from work, and not wanting to look at the computer screen. I had looked at one all day. I wanted to crash on the couch and not deal with dishes, clothes, food or anything. Just watch some tv and fall asleep there. Stumble up to bed when I wake myself to my own snoring and start again the next day.

Some of the reason was what was there to say that I hadn't already said. I have thought out what to write and then shook my head. I have thought I would just sit down and vent and then thought it would just sound like I was venting and whining and what was the point.

Mostly I think it is because if I start writing then I have to admit a few things to myself.

I have had a really rough fall. It crept up on me but somewhere this fall I started getting hit BAM with lonliness. Maybe because it is birthdays, anniversaries and holidays all crammed into three months. Bam bam bam. I am in a mind set that I hear a song and start to cry alittle. I see a cute thing in the store and think how cool that would be for Jim and then am sorry that he will never see it. Oh, I manage day by day and am okay. I still put on clothes and go to work and get things done there. But home is just a stasis cube. A place to be between work and sleep.

Maybe it is the early darkness. I can blame it on that anyway.

November 29th came and went without me mentioning that marked two and a half years without Jim. That made me sad. Almost every other day I think, I need to add to the blog. I am not sure where the motivation went. I hope to get it back.