Monday, October 19, 2009

Speaking

The summer is gone. The fall is gone. I mean, really there was no fall. Maybe a one week window. The shortest fall in history. Cold chills have set in and the heat is turned on.

This weekend comes the fun of packing summer and unpacking winter clothes and then taking screens off the doors and putting up the storm windows. This is the signs that winter is here.

Tomorrow is Jim's birthday. He would have been 56. Just throwing that out there.

I have noticed in the last couple months that I have changed a bit in how I speak of him. I mean, I do speak of him and what we have done. Instead of just sort of speaking to myself because I figured no one would want to be reminded of him, I am past worrying about that and now am bringing things up. And I may still be getting the same reaction, but it doesn't worry or bother me as it did.

One thing that many widows (or anyone that has lost someone) is the feeling that no one but you will want to know the little things about the person that died anymore. Like when you are in a conversation and bowling is brought up. The other person may talk about when her and her husband went bowling, and I used to stop myself from saying "oh yeah, Jim and I loved to bowl" because when I had done that the people would stop talking and change the subject or just sort of ignore what I said. It was very odd. Now, I can see it may be because they are uncomfortable with it and I thought before that I should stop doing it because of that. And I did stop for awhile, but not anymore. I am sorry if it makes someone uncomfortable, but it is a comfort to me to speak.

Jim was a part of my life for 17 years. Almost half my life. I have moved forward. I have made changes. I have conquered many things. I have learned many things and yet in doing all that, I miss having him at my side.

3 comments:

sthornburg said...

Sharing memories should be vocal..and I'm truly sorry so few have the gift to invite you to speak of Jim. Thank you for upholding your right/need and hope it emboldens others who read your posts...Blessings on your week!

Bismo said...

He's remembered, Betts. I'm actually surprised how often I think of him... keep speaking up!

Rach said...

Good for you for speaking up! Death makes people uncomfortable because nobody wants to be reminded they and their loved ones are mortal. I don't worry about making people uncomfortable, although I'm sure I must some times. I do get an awkward pause once in a while, but for the most part, people listen and then the conversation moves on.

Don't worry about the pauses or awkwardness. I certainly enjoy hearing stories of lost loved ones from my friends. :o)