2 years 92 days

I am looking at this blog and can't believe it has been 20 days since I was here. August has been a balancing act of getting various things finalized and figured out. Often I find myself stopping to contemplate if I make this step (whatever step that is) it will take me one more step away from the dreams that Jim and I had for our life. The chest aches when I think this, but the reality is I have to take those steps.

And as I think about the pain in the chest. There really is one you know, a pain that feels like a punch. I think that there is nothing positive in holding on to the past. I do hold onto the love and the husband that I miss each day. That missing is not going away. No matter how it seems to fade, it is still there ever present in a mind that can not forget.

So I do that thing. That moving forward thing. I do things that I think are right for me. For my future. It is all I can do now. And it hurts aches burns my soul to say this.

I worked in the yard today and thought about where 27 months has gone. I think about the morning I came home from the hospital, leaving Jim there. The scenes flash thru my head. Our very small house filled with people - family and friends that had come for support. This line of thought leads me to think of the new friends I have made since then and how I wish Jim could meet them. Some have never been met other then via cyberspace.

There is still an ache when I find something in the house that was Jim's. An example would be the iPod. His iPod that he got for work and that had me ripping music to. His music. Donna Summers, BeeGees, Lennon, Beatles, ELO, and so on. I listened to it for a week, cried a little and then decided to make it my own. I am working my way thru our cd's and creating a new flavor to the iPod. Listening to Donna Summer and ELO made me cry because I could hear his voice singing along.

Jim was a multi faceted man. A jack of all trades and not afraid of a challenge.

The months pass but the ache doesn't really fade. It hides for the most part, but it doesn't go away. Jim and I had a friendship, partnership and love that lasted thru lots of trials and tribulations and joys and delights and surprises. We used each other to grow and embrace and live.