2 years 92 days

I am looking at this blog and can't believe it has been 20 days since I was here. August has been a balancing act of getting various things finalized and figured out. Often I find myself stopping to contemplate if I make this step (whatever step that is) it will take me one more step away from the dreams that Jim and I had for our life. The chest aches when I think this, but the reality is I have to take those steps.

And as I think about the pain in the chest. There really is one you know, a pain that feels like a punch. I think that there is nothing positive in holding on to the past. I do hold onto the love and the husband that I miss each day. That missing is not going away. No matter how it seems to fade, it is still there ever present in a mind that can not forget.

So I do that thing. That moving forward thing. I do things that I think are right for me. For my future. It is all I can do now. And it hurts aches burns my soul to say this.

I worked in the yard today and thought about where 27 months has gone. I think about the morning I came home from the hospital, leaving Jim there. The scenes flash thru my head. Our very small house filled with people - family and friends that had come for support. This line of thought leads me to think of the new friends I have made since then and how I wish Jim could meet them. Some have never been met other then via cyberspace.

There is still an ache when I find something in the house that was Jim's. An example would be the iPod. His iPod that he got for work and that had me ripping music to. His music. Donna Summers, BeeGees, Lennon, Beatles, ELO, and so on. I listened to it for a week, cried a little and then decided to make it my own. I am working my way thru our cd's and creating a new flavor to the iPod. Listening to Donna Summer and ELO made me cry because I could hear his voice singing along.

Jim was a multi faceted man. A jack of all trades and not afraid of a challenge.

The months pass but the ache doesn't really fade. It hides for the most part, but it doesn't go away. Jim and I had a friendship, partnership and love that lasted thru lots of trials and tribulations and joys and delights and surprises. We used each other to grow and embrace and live.

Missing my safety valve

I am missing my safety valve very much.

Jim was my safety valve. He was the one that stopped me from going off on tangents, he kept my red head temper in check, he would step in front of me and talk in the soothing voice.

My poor Vet. I just went off on her about a charge I wasn't expecting. I went to pick up Mercury's ashes and was charged for the office visit on top of the creamation and the shot to put him to sleep. I wasn't expecting the extra 40.00. Last week when I was leaving I was told 170 for the creamation and 40. I didn't know about the other 40. Well, I raised a fuss. Why? I don't know. I went in there all level headed and then boom, that extra amount triggered it.

They did surgery and had not charged me for three subsequent visits to check on him. So I was hit with a surprise. I just didn't have Jim to sooth me and remind me or even to send me to the car while he handled it so then later I could bitch at him and he would take the brunt for the vet.

I am mad at myself now and don't want to leave the vet with this bad feeling about me. I stormed. She took the charge off and I didn't even thank her for it....she said as I was leaving "your welcome" and I realized I hadn't. I did thank you but it came out all snotty and not good. I was outright rude.

I am using the blog here as a place to get this out. It is not pretty what I did and I am ashamed. I want to go back and pay and apologize. I want to be able to bring Tigger there for treatment. I am probably banned.

My thought is to take a card with a check in it. A thank you card for how well they treated Mercury while he was ill. They didn't deserve my grief anger. I am going to take it over just before they close for the day and apologize. I can't just mail it in, I need to look her in the eye and say it.

Jim I miss you. I know I have to learn how to handle these things. I know it. And I am trying. We were a good team and maybe he shouldn't have let me lean on him, but that was what made us good together....he leaned on me and I was his safety valve for some things too.

Mercury

I am not really ready to write this. But I guess it is time.

Our Dalmatian Mercury died on Saturday August 1st. He had been battling cancer in his lymph nodes and tongue and he had just deteriorated so much there wasn't anything to do. I held him in my arms as he got the shot and the doctor let me have some private time to say goodbye.

Mercury came to us a few months after we had to have our first Dalmatian baby Gryphon put to sleep due to renal failure. We weren't expecting to adopt another Dal for a little while, but he was a rescue from a kill shelter in NYC and while we were transporting him and another Dal pup, I fell in love. Merc was what they call a 'liver' spotted Dal. He had beautiful chocolate brown spots instead of the normal black ones.

Merc was with us about a month or so when we rescued Tigger and ended up adopting her also. We don't adopt all the dogs we rescue, most were just fosters being primed for their new homes but these two touched our hearts. They have grown up together. Tigger was just 11 months and Merc was 6 months when they came to our family. Now Merc was just shy of 10 and Tigger is 10 1/2.

He was a very mellow dog. A couch potato, well at least until you got the leash or the food bowl out. He had his priorities! He didn't lick faces or jump at you. He would sniff and decide you were okay. He loved being a lap dog and would lay on Jim's lap while they were both on the couch watching TV together.

Mercury bonded with both of us, but in different ways. I think he thought of Jim as more like a 'brother' but he knew me to be 'mom' and the one to listen to. Well being a Dalmatian he listened when he felt like it.

I am worried about how my gal Tigger is going to be. She doesn't seem upset at the moment, but Mercury has been gone for a few days at a time before - when he was at the vets for surgery. I hope she will be okay. Mercury was a little depressed for awhile after Jim died. He would lay on the couch with me and then right around 10pm he would get up and move to the front door, lay down along it and wait. About an hour later he would get up, come over to the couch and climb back up beside me. He was waiting for Jim to come home. That was the time that Jim usually came back from work in the evenings. I cried when Merc did this. It was like Lassie waiting for Timmy.

Mercury was a wonderful friend and a good dog. I was ready for his death, because of his illness, but it sure doesn't make it any easier.

I can only hope that somewhere, Jim has scooped Mercury up in his arms and is giving him hugs while Gryphon dances around to see who this new guy is.

Out of left field

I am going to blog tonight about the plumber that came to look and see about putting in a garbage disposal.

He is the son of a neighbor and he stood in the living room looking at Jim pics and said he still can't believe Jim was gone. He told me how he was at the memorial service (i never saw him).

He was about 15 years younger then Jim but they grew up on the same street. He stood and told me about how Jim would tease him and make him laugh and even stood up for him when a bully was around. He talked about how Jim came up to him when he had skipped school when he was 15 and went to the movies. Jim was working at the theatre and he didn't know it. So Jim sat right down next to him and started asking him why wasn't he in school and where was he going after this and does his mom know he was there....the guy said Jim had him worried and then at the last minute Jim offered him and his buddies a ride home and they laughed all the way.

This is the plumber that redid all the plumbing in this house back in 2002 when we moved in. He did a great job. He told me tonight that Jim and I helped his marriage. He said that when he was here and working on the plumbing he saw Jim and I do the 'rock, paper, scissors' thing to solve an argument. He said he talked to Jim about it and was told that was how we made sure we never go to bed mad at each other. And that is true. We did that for years and years, it was a great solution. Anyway, he told Jim that he started doing that with his wife and it has helped them. I had to chuckle at that one.

It was sort of out of left field all of this, but it made me feel good. Good that Jim is still remembered by others than just me.

Oh and I am not getting a garbage disposal. The electrical would cost more than the plumbing work. Oh well.