Saturday, January 24, 2009

Tune out

Nothing specific happened today to make me write these next thoughts out, but they have been burping just under my conciousness, so it is time for them to come forth.

I doubt I am the only one, but it seems that almost everything I hear on the radio or in conversation with someone, or on tv is related to death. Death of a loved one, how to prepare for death, how someones relative was layed out, sometimes just words in a song. Every which way I turn there is something else that is hitting that nerve of pain that is still a little too close to the surface.

I was in the car with a friend who told me about how her grandfather and grandmothers funerals went and how she was a pallbearer and we were going to the grocery and I didn't know how to tell her I really didn't want to hear this. I know it isn't right to not want to hear it all, but it seems I am super sensitive and I don't know if that makes sense. To still be, I guess.

I have dealt with this by just keeping it to myself. When I am at a party and people start talking about loved ones that have died and such, I will just leave the room. I hear a song on the radio and it hits that nerve and I turn it off. The worst is when I watch tv and there is the commercial for some life insurance and they guy dies on the screen and then they go to the funeral where they are saying 'if only he had better life insurance'. Then there is the real tough one, the one where the woman is in the car thinking what to do that day and suddenly the screen goes black. She was killed in a car crash. It has gotten so I know in the first 2 seconds what the commercial is and can grab the remote and change the channel.

I feel I want to scream at the tv or radio to just shut up already. Taking that deep breath and releasing it slowly helps. I have talked to some other widows and knowing that others are feeling this too, helps. The part that gets me is it is not always when death or grieving or sadness is mentioned, but also on the tv when there is a couple in love. Holding hands. Kissing and looking into each others eyes....the way I did with Jim. That makes it all hurt too. To know what we had.

I don't really want to be reminded of Jim's death. I don't really need to be reminded. I remember it everyday. Just as I remember our love. It's the extra prick of a memory that makes things ache again. I wish I could wrap myself in bubblewrap as a buffer from the outside. I know I can't, and I guess I don't really want to, but every once in awhile I would like to have a few hours of stimulation from the media that doesn't have death in it.

Oh, I know my therapist would have a field day with this post, and I know there really is no way to avoid any of this in our society. I just have to keep on moving forward and trying to block it out till it doesn't hurt as much. I don't want to make myself watch Spongebob Squarepants instead of Bones, but I would like to watch a spat of commercials without them talking about wrongeful death or life insurance.

Just a sort of whiney post that really has no purpose other than to let me whine. As I write I wonder if I am repeating myself from an earlier post. If so, sorry.


Rach said...

You know, I've noticed similar things. I'm going to get all philosophical-ish here, so bear with me. Before I had Hannah, Brien and I were (obviously) our own little couple, in our own little sphere. When we would go to Busch Gardens for the day, we would mostly see only other couples.

Then, once we had Han, it seemed EVERYONE at the park had strollers, just like we did! How in the world had this happened? Did we all decide to have babies at once? Then, it hit me--you see what you know.

Have you ever noticed how many people drive *your* car? :oP

The thing is, we've been hit with death and it SUCKS and it hurts and it's with us constantly. Therefore, it's always on our minds and we're that much more sensitive when it is mentioned. We don't mean to be, we just are.

And, I don't think you were whining one bit. And, if you were, who cares? This is your space to write out YOUR thoughts. We're here for the ride. :o)

I hope your week goes smoothly, Betts. :o) HUGS!

Lynnbug said...

Sometimes people need to whine. I have heard people tell other people to stop crying when something bad happens. Or dont cry they will say. I say if you need to cry--then cry.

And if you need to whine then whine. I think it shows a lot of strength and courage for you to come here and publically write about such a personal thing. Not only am I sure that it helps you to share your journey, Im sure it helps others. It helps me with a lot of hard stuff and in a lot more areas than grief.

You are a fascinating, wonderful person.