Thursday, January 29, 2009


Thursday January 29th. This brings me to 20 months it's been since Jim died.

I was thinking of him today and was not thinking of the love and romance and sexual energy we had, but rather the friendship. .

I miss my friend.

I find I am missing the friend who watched out for me and shared things with me and compromised likes and wants and needs so that the friendship had a give and take to it. Sharing a look or a a thought. Or making that compromise happily of going to 'Spiderman 3' because he wants to and I was willing to go for him. Or for him to go watch 'that chick flick' with me.

I am not sure of the line between love and friendship. I know Jim and I had both. I can say "he was my best friend" forever but not really explain how we (or anyone else) just knew it was more than friendship.

Laughing with Jim while he interviewed me for the job. I remember thinking it would be so cool to have him as a boss because we were on the same wave length. It was cool. He was a good boss.

I started thinking this out because I cooked tonight. For the first time in a long time I actually planned and cooked a meal out. I took the time to get fresh food and cook it fresh - no microwaving. It wasn't much, but I made taco's and it was in the middle of a bite of the taco I realized that it was a food I hadn't cooked or eaten since Jim had died. I had the sour cream, the chips, the cheese, lettuce and tomato. The salsa, the meat, the hard and soft shells. It was a good fresh taco. And it was a Jim favorite. It was a comfort food for him.

I was watching tv and saw a part of Raymond episode. He and his wife are laying in bed and she says "I missed you friend". Very simple. It started a domino effect on me. All I could think of was "yes. yes. yes. I miss my friend. My Friend." I cried for a bit, got myself together and came to think about how much Jim was a friend to me. That and more, but always that.

Yes, I miss my friend.

1 comment:

Rach said...

Tuesday evening Brien didn't come home and didn't come home and 2 1/2 hours later than he should have been home I *still* hadn't heard from him. Having lost Han, I'm a bit more sensitive to these things than I might have been in the past and I therefore PANICKED. Big time.

In those moment, I thought so much about you and Laura and all my other young widowed friends and was amazed by your endurance and ability to go on. You really are amazing.

As always, I'm so sorry for your loss.