Sunday, November 16, 2008

Tears and trashmen

I am doing some more of that cleaning today. Well, actually I did the major stuff yesterday, today it is laundry and watching movies.

Highlight of my day yesterday was freaking the man at the dump out.

I tossed an excerise ellipictal trainer that Jim bought me 8 years ago for christmas. I actually picked it out and swore I would use it. Just like a little kid. I did for a bit but then he used it more and I sort of stopped. It sat in the room for the last 2 years not used by either of us because of a broken foot pedal. This was a stand on it and push the handles and step on the pedals to make it go dealie and without being able to step on the pedals it wasn't much good.

So, I struggled to get the heavy beast downstairs, I hauled it outside and bungie corded it into the trunk and took it to the dump. At the dump the guy looked at me and the bike and said "where is your help?". I looked back at him and said I have no help, it's just me." He said I had to throw it into the dumpster, I couldn't just set it next to it. I don't know why but that defeated me. I looked at him, started tearing up and said okay I will, and started out do just that. I was overwhelmingly tired all of a sudden.

It was that 'you have to do it' thought. I couldn't come that far and not get it out of my car so I got out. Not knowing how I would do what he asked. He came around to the trunk and he grabbed one end of it and helped me. I had tears in my eyes and was wiping my sleeve with my shirt and all I could think of was that I came that far.

Well, we got it up into the dumpster and it was mostly him doing it. I got in the car and drove off about 30 feet and parked and cried some more. Why? I don't know. I looked down at my filthy arm where something smeared on it, my very dirty fingernails and my red eyes. I just had to release the emotion of one, 'it was gone' thought and two, sadness .

When I thought about it later, I was reminded of when my brother came and helped me clear out some of the basement. Jim's excerise stuff when then. And a few months ago the other big excerise multi trainer was given to a friend. I am clearing out things of his that I won't have use for and that really are too big for this small house. As nice as it makes the room, it makes me sad to see it go.

As I write that I note in my head that much of Jim is still in the house. Comics, books, some clothing, action figures and lots of photos. His fingerprint is still very strong here. I have been told that over time this will change and be more muted. But at this time, I can't imagine even if I were to move tomorrow, having a place that wouldn't have some of Jim in it.


Rach said...

Such big, momentous happenings. Of course you were weepy. I would have been sobbing too. You have no idea how many memories are tied up in things until the time comes to move forward yet another baby step.

I'm so glad the trashman helped you and I dearly hope you are feeling better today.


Lynnbug said...

Im sorry. It would be hard for me to do what you are doing. I think you are very brave.

Betts4 said...

Oh Lynn, you know, I was okay up until the moment when the guy asked 'where was my help'. Then I just sort of melted. Where was my help? I am my help. That's it. I guess it was just a momentary wave of desperation and exhaustion and dispair.