Just a dream

"Just A Dream"

It was two weeks after the day she turned eighteen
All dressed in white
Going to the church that night
She had his box of letters in the passenger seat
Sixpence in a shoe, something borrowed, something blue
And when the church doors opened up wide
She put her veil down
Trying to hide the tears
Oh she just couldn't believe it
She heard trumpets from the military band
And the flowers fell out of her hand

Baby why'd you leave me
Why'd you have to go?
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know
I can't even breathe
It's like I'm looking from a distance
Standing in the background
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream

The preacher man said let us bow our heads and pray
Lord please lift his soul, and heal this hurt
Then the congregation all stood up and sang the saddest song that she ever heard
Then they handed her a folded up flag
And she held on to all she had left of him
Oh, and what could have been
And then the guns rang one last shot
And it felt like a bullet in her heart

Baby why'd you leave me
Why'd you have to go?
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know
I can't even breathe
It's like I'm looking from a distance
Standing in the background
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream

Oh,
Baby why'd you leave me
Why'd you have to go?
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know
Oh, now I'll never know
It's like I'm looking from a distance
Standing in the background
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now
This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream

Oh, this is just a dream
Just a dream
Yeah, Yeah

I heard the end of this song on the radio this afternoon and had to find the lyrics. Sung by Carrie Underwood, it really touched me, especially when I heard the chorus.

Baby why'd you leave me
Why'd you have to go?
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know

I ask Jim or God or myself this question a lot. Why did you have to go? Why did you leave me? What am I supposed to do with the dreams we had as two? I sometimes I ask very softly, sometimes I scream it, no answer had ever come that satisfies me.

I can't even breathe
It's like I'm looking from a distance
Standing in the background
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now

Tunnel vision has been a problem for the last 16 months, 26 days and 2 1/2 hours. I feel like I am standing far away looking in at my life with a telescope and wondering and amazed at how that person that is me is continuing.

This can't be happening to me
This is just a dream

A dream. If only.

I know some of this rush of feelings came because I opened a box of winter clothes and found some of Jim's flannel shirts. I am wearing it now and just by putting my arm up to my nose and cheek I can feel Jim and close my eyes and remember. The shirt I am wearing now was one of his favorites. I have photos below of him on the couch with all the animals around him and he is wearing this shirt. It was taken in February 2007. I am glad I have this small source of comfort. I mean, it seems any of his shirts make me feel closer to him. A t-shirt he wore or a dress shirt that I now roll the sleeves up and wear to work or the flannel that just is so typical of Jim and I can see him in it in my mind.

This first pic was sort of a 'caught off guard" picture, in the second one he had time to look a bit grumpy at me for taking the picture.