The blog writing has been pretty sparse the last couple weeks. Not for lack of thing running around in my head, but more the lack of motivation to get them out.
The ride home now is nice. I just jump in the car and I am home in about 4 minutes. The problem is that those four minutes are becoming totally tear ridden minutes. I can't explain it but I get in the car and here some ELO or some classical music and I am reminded of Jim and my Dad. I see a lady on a bike and am reminded of my Mom. The images pop up without any concern for where I am or what I am doing or if I have the stamina to handle them. Pop Pop Pop.
I am chanting the mantra I said about a year ago "i can handle this. i can handle this." and I do. I get thru the moment and move on to the next.
I realized today when I was doing this that I was shutting that damn door that I didn't want to shut. I want to remember. I want to feel. I want to even be in pain becuase of what has happened. To move forward though, I have to shut the door and only open it when I want to open it and not allow it to control me.
Can I control that room of grief. No, that stadium of grief. By going into a small room and then moving when I can, that helps. Opening the door and feeling the sound of the stadium grief coming at me, no, I can't.
In rereading this I feel a little confused even by what I have written, but I think if I reread it again in a few hours it may make sense.
A clip from my day - Watching the olympics on nbc this morning they showed a broadcaster that used to be an athlete and he was responding to usa winning the gold. He was cheering and waving his arms - as he sat behind the news table. He didn't know the camera was on him at the time. This made me cry with joy that we can be so proud of our country as to do this.
Another clip - listening to the ELO song again and as I hear it, I hear Jim singing it. I can close my eyes and see him in my mind. But I can't close my eyes because I am driving. I change the dvd from ELO to Garth Brooks. Jim didn't sing to Garth so I don't have that memory in my head.
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2 comments:
Betsy,
I just get the warmest feeling and smile when I read that YOU ARE DRIVING your own car!! This is big girl, not having to depend on the bus and others. To be able to be independent and go where you choose any time you want to. And yes, you do have to watch the road and don't have the luxury of closing your eyes while driving. You are handling this Betsy and I for one am proud of you for moving through the pain. Have a wonderful weekend.
Love, Laurie in Ca.
Your post make a lot of sense to me. Not confusing at all. When I read it I can relate to your pain very well.
Congratulations on your car!! What a wonderful thing isnt it?
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