Saturday, August 30, 2008

Fifteen

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Today is month 15 since Jim died.
I was looking at photos and grabbed this one because of the look on Jim's face. It reminded me of me. Of how I feel now. The reasons are different, but it still struck me. This was taken the day we returned home from our florida vacation. We spent the week with friends at their timeshare. We were relaxed, but at the same time tired from too much sun, good food, good friends and the plane trip. I think Jim has the look of a guy that ate too much at dinner. Stuffed on good things and just absorbing them all.
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That's if I think about it. My first glance was "that's how I feel, tired, having fought the good fight and yet knowing that I will have to get up and fight some more." It was only after I looked at it and thought about why he looks so tired do I realize it is more the "relaxed, not wanting to go back to work" tired look. This is what I get for thinking too much.
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So, yes, I am still counting, and I realize now why I have been so grumpy this week. I have been pretty grumpy. I woke up at 2 am this morning (friday) and it came right into my head that it was the 29th. Later today I was playing some of his cd's. I am not a Beatles fan, believe it or not, but he was and I play them to think of him. This song played and it seemed to fit perfect. I also smile a whimsical smile as I read it. Jim also talked about the great John vs Paul songwriting debate. Who wrote what can be figured out by the song and if it rhymes and is an easy song or a deep social commentary song. I think this would be a Paul song, but I am not sure. It still sure fits my mood today.
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Here I stand head in hand
Turn my face to the wall
If she's gone I can't go on
Feelin' two-foot small
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Everywhere people stare
Each and every day
I can see them laugh at me
And I hear them say
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Hey you've got to hide your love away
Hey you've got to hide your love away
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How can I even try
I can never win
Hearing them, seeing them
In the state I'm in
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How could she say to me
Love will find a way
Gather round all you clowns
Let me hear you say
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Hey you've got to hide your love away
Hey you've got to hide your love away
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This blog post was written on friday the 29th, but because of site difficulties it was not able to be published then. For some reason the post The Queen was written just moments after before this one and was fine. Then the internet crapped out and this became a 'draft' that wouldn't go to the publish. Well, that is the way the internet goes. I tried it this morning and here is.

3 comments:

Rach said...

That is a wonderful photo of Jim, and I agree with your assessment of it. :o)

It's all so very hard, all of it.

Please know I think of you so often and pray you find some peace.

HUGS!

Lynnbug said...

He looks like he is tired but extremely relaxed! I am not a Beatles fan either but I like those lyrics.

Lynelle said...

Betsy,
I just heard this country song (I Still Miss You) the other day by Keith Anderson and thought of you...

I've changed the presets in my truck
so those old songs don't sneak up
they still find me and remind me
yeah you come back that easy
try restaurants I've never been to
order new things off the menu
that I never tried cause you didn't like
two drinks in you were by my side

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you
I still miss you baby

I never knew til you were gone
how many pages you were on
it never ends I keep turning
and line after line and you are there again
I dont know how to let you go
you are so deep down in my soul
I feel helpless so hopeless
its a door that never closes
no I don't know how to do this

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything
move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you yeah

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything
move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you yeah

I still miss you
I still miss you...... yeah.... yeah.....