Thursday, May 29, 2008

Goodnight Honeybunny

What kind of a day was it. A day full of memories and dirt. Yep, dirt.

I worked in our community tool bank sorting tools and telling this 19 yr old what a trowel was, or an awl and what a vise grip did. I was very surprised at how much this gal didn't know about tools. Even to the point of the difference between a phillips head and a flat head screwdriver. The tool bank was very dirty, dusty and spiderwebby. We sorted tools out and inventoried what we had. Then I came home and found that I need to repair the back gate, so I got a bit dirtier there. The physical work at the tool bank helped keep me occupied. Coming home and working in the yard helped keep my mind busy here. Not busy enough.

Jim was on my mind all day. This day of days. I posted some other entries here today. To celebrate the Jim that walked among us.

I received several emails from friends saying they were thinking of me, and him and sent hugs to me during this tough time. Some of those people had never met Jim but just know of from me. Others are long time friends and know how incredibly hard this year has been for me. The support they give me is a support that I can reach out for when needed. That is important to have.

I wandered around the house and touched things of Jim's. To try and feel him again. This is a tough day because I know inside he is gone but deep inside I don't want to really believe it. The layers of pain are an interesting thickness, some layers thicker than others. Some layers painful, some healing. How do you measure this. I know when I close my eyes and reach down inside the burning pain is there, but the healing is folded around it.

The night has fallen and I am inside and thinking about Jim. I found I wanted to hear his voice again, so I played a tape I have. One of three tapes I have with his voice on it. It is interviews at our cinema club and there is about 2 minutes of him and me there. To hear his voice was calming. I could see his face and hear him and it was easy to imagine him next to me. He would have his hand on my leg or around my arm, his face lit up with a smile and he would be making some amusing comment about whatever was going on at that moment on the screen. Even if it was him. I chuckled as I watched the faces he made, rolling eyes and such. Then I watched our wedding video. It is pretty poorly filmed but there are some important parts that are still there. There is the look on his face as he gazes at me just before we join hands and kiss. That will keep me smiling.

I don't know how to not sound like a cliche widow. I guess I have to. The years we had together were not enough. I want more time and that is one thing I can't have. Oh to hear Jim say 'aw honey, stop crying...' and have him hold me or for me to say 'goodnight honeybunny' and kiss him again.

My time with Jim was a wild ride of some good times, some butting of heads, some loving and lots of laughter.

I rub my forehead and breathe around the pain. The night comes slowly.


TigereyeSal said...

I'm holding you in my heart tonight. My one-year mark was terrifying in advance, but ultimately freeing somehow. I SO enjoy your blog, and your positive determination and the way your stories make me feel as though I have always known Jim.

Big hugs, and bear hugs,


Rach said...

I'm glad you kept busy.


Laurie said...

"I know when I close my eyes and reach down inside the burning pain is there, but the healing is folded around it." This is such a painfully beautiful way of describing the journey you have been on this past year. I am praying for you Betsy.

Love and Hugs, Laurie in Ca.