Monday, May 12, 2008

house thoughts

The face of change is becoming more and more evident. More changes in my house, our house, then anywhere else. I am moving things, tossing things, fixing things and wondering why I never did these things before. I could have fixed that shelf while Jim was alive. I could have organized the backroom better or hung the potholder rack or put the stones in the ground to make a sort of patio. I wonder why I didn't. I could have been more diligent about cleaning and making a nice house. Instead I spent the time with Jim and neither of us worried about the house or moving things around.

Now, now I can do these things, sometimes because I want to, sometimes because it seems right and sometimes because I have to.

Now I find when I move stuff or think about throwing things away there is the guilt angel on my shoulder, and so of course, then the practical angel gets on the other side and they duke it out in my head. Sometimes one wins, sometimes the other. It make for interesting moments in my brain. The dogs look at me a little funny when this happens.

If you had asked me a year ago what I would be doing now, I would have said "gardening in PA". I was reminded of this goal today when I was deleting emails at work and one of them I read was the transfer paperwork for Jim to go to the York PA position that was open. We had talked his transfering for a long time and when this spot became available he jumped on it. The email was dated 5/14/2007. It was a rush of memories of course. He was finally going to get something he wanted and had worked for. He had spent so many years working his way up the ladder and dealing with crappy hours, and finally, it was within sight. Jim was going to commute for a few months until we got things straight and then rent this house and move north. It was one of the dreams that crashed when he died.

I haven't totally given up the dream. I am trying to think out where I want to live for the next dozen or thirty years. After many years as a gypsy (moving every 7-10 years) I would love to find the right place and stay for awhile. Jim and I wanted to achieve this, so I can keep leaning towards it.


Rach said...

I have no words of wisdom or advice. I would only say, do what feels right, and it seems that is what you are doing, be it cleaning/rearranging/doing things around the house, or the move to PA.

I spend much time with B and Lil (and Han too, when she was with us) and less cleaning like I KNOW I should. However, I know I'll have few regrets about spending time with them versus cleaning whereas I know I would be wracked with guilt if it were the other was around.


linda said...

I'm sure you didn't do those things when Jim was alive because you were picking your priorites, and you chose well. I'd much rather spend my time with loved ones, because when I am gone nobody will remember me for having a neatly organized home.
Live where your heart leads you..