Tuesday, April 29, 2008

11



Eleven months.

It has been a heartwrenching journey. I still wait at night to hear the door slam on the truck and his feet on the stairs. I still wonder why it was him that is gone. Eleven months later and the pain of his death is still, still here with me. The hole in my chest has scabbed and I am able to get thru whole days at a time without crying. I am not able to get thru any day without desperately missing his touch, laughter, wit, voice and gaze at me.

Jim, I watched the animals grazing last night at the safari like restuarant and all I could think of was you. How much you would enjoy that. It was something we never saw together, but seeing it alone made me very sad you weren't at my side.
Jim, I watched little princesses dancing in the streets of he magical kingdom and it was wonderful to see their smiles. We would have had fun pointing to them and giggling with them. I ache that you weren't there with me.
Jim, my love, I know it will be said that you were there, you were at my side, but I wanted the real living breathing you to love.

Eleven months and I am still hanging in there. I guess you were right.

Jim, I love you. I miss you and I am trying hard to get along with you gone.

4 comments:

Rach said...

Eleven months. Wow.

I understand the *need* to have Jim's physical presence with you. I can not begin to tell you how often I want Hannah with me, *need* her with me. Sure, she's there in my heart and memories, but I NEED to hear her laugh, see her smile, know she is enjoying it as much as me.

I get it.

It sounds as if your vacation was lovely in spite of the pain and longing. I'm glad you got away.

HUGS!

Rach said...

P.S. The photo made me smile. :o)

Linda said...

Betsy,
Eleven months....whew!!
Promise that you will e-mail me for reinforcement whenever you need it. I think of you every single day....and hold you so close to my heart. Like Rach said,
I'm glad you had a vacation, and I hope that you found some of it just plain old relaxing...

Laurie said...

Praying you through Betsy and the picture is such a good one. I am sorry it hurts so bad, still. I hope your weekend is a restful and a good one for you. Eleven months is such a short time to try and process losing the love of your life and yet keep putting one foot in front of the other each day. I pray the pain eases a bit each day, giving you moments of peace and good memories. Have a wonderful weekend.

Love, Laurie in Ca.