Thursday, March 13, 2008

In his eyes

I was leaving for work yesterday and looked down at myself. I wasn't dressed up, I don't need to for my job. I thought, I will never be beautiful again.

I looked up and saw the large photo I have of Jim, he is looking right at the camera and smiling. It was like he was looking at me. I walked over to it and touched his eyebrow. He looked at me and I heard his voice telling me I was beautiful.

He would do that. When I berated my own looks, he would take and hold me and look me in the eyes and touch me. And tell me how beautiful I really was. It made me warm inside. When he said it, I would always deny it, I had been mocked by kids all my life and was always the odd one. But Jim, he would cup my face in his hands and look me right in the eyes and tell me, yes, yes I was beautiful, in ways that not all can see, but I was.

Well, that morning it was like a frozen moment in time, this conversation with a photograph. I looked at the photo and said out loud that No one will ever see me as he did. See me as beautiful and make me FEEL it. But I heard his voice, kind gentle soft and loving, not to worry.

As selfish as it sounds, I want to feel beautiful, it was such a gift that he gave me. Such a wonderous gift. But I find it hard. Hard to feel it. Not sure if anyone will see me as beautiful as he did.

I cried as I told him this and then I found that I couldn't even bloody well look him in the eyes as I said I wasn't beautiful. Damn him. I couldn't even look a photo in the eyes, because in my mind, I saw him and heard him and felt him. I chuckled when I realized I was looking away.

I said a prayer and thanked him for making me beautiful. In his eyes and heart and thus in my eyes. I can't wish enough that he was here.

later - thinking about this, I know the comments will come, but it's not that I am not beautiful (in some way) but it's that I will never be beautiful in the way that he saw me and in that way he made me see myself.


rachd said...

I absolutely understand what you mean. While others may find me beautiful, or tell me I'm beautiful (I haven't heard this in a while...), Brien believes with every fiber of his being that I'm beautiful. It shines in his eyes and in the timbre of his voice. Same goes for Hannah. Hannah thought I was gorgeous even with my "tummy cracks" and "big bottom" and "Big FAT baby tummy". Ah, from the mouths of babes... (It's a good thing I love the little booger!)

You truly are a beautiful woman, Betsy, both inside and out. I know it isn't the same, but I wanted you to know that. I wish there were some way for me to ease this hurt. Everyday we are faced with yet another thing that will never be the same. Just when you think you've come to the end of them, another pops up.

I'm glad you had a moment to be with Jim, no matter how sad.


Shari said...

Hi! Thanks for stopping by. That's got to be nice not to have to dress up for work.

Wow, how a picture can say "a thousand words". You and Jim shared a wonderful connection and he found a way to reach you and make you feel beautiful. That is so special.

I have low self-esteem. I had a hard time with my identity. I wasn't "deaf" enough and I wasn't "hearing" enough. I grew up not knowing where I fit in. Once I was able to accept myself, then came along another whammy. Now, I have to try to fit in the hearing-sighted world, hearing impaired, and deafblind world. Will I find my place? So I can understand how you felt about how you felt about yourself and how he made you feel. :) HUGS.

Laurie said...

To be told we are beautiful from the ones who see deeper into us than most ever will, is a treasure. To be loved for the person we are inside, our true selves, and to be accepted for this is a security that cannot be shaken, even in loss. That beauty is still in you and always will be Betsy, know this to be true. Remember Jim's encouragement when you need to be reminded. Memories are not fairy tales, they are real life moments, frozen in time in the heart where they live on as your truths. I just love that you talk to Jim and feel comforted. I wish he was there for you too, but I know he is there, in your heart. Just as we go back to books to refresh our memory on something, go to Jim as often as you need to remind yourself of the truths he made you see in yourself. They are all there. You are beautiful in my eyes and heart. Not as Jim was able to see you, but as I read your heart here. Oh gosh, I am sorry this is so long.

I hope your weekend is restful and holds treasures for you.

Love, Laurie in Ca.

Laura said...

I know that I was beautiful, even at my worst, in my husband's eyes. Since then it is a painful existance of not feeling treasured by anyone. But he was so drop dead gorgeous that I never could see what it was he saw in me. I hope this weekend is gentle on you Betsy. We'll make it through another.

Linda said...

I've been reading your blog for a while now, and didn't comment because, well, I don't know why..

This post touched me to the depths of my soul. You are beautiful!

Believe it because the most important person in your life told you that, and that's all that matters..
really, it is.

Laurie said...

Hi Betsy,

It is Sunday and I wanted to stop by and let you know I am thinking about you and hoping the day is a good one for you in some small way. I know that Sundays are not your favorite day, but you deserve beautiful things every day of the week. Hope you find a treasure today.

Love you, Laurie in Ca.

Betts4 said...

Thank you all for the kind words. I wasn't writing for them, just to get some feelings out.

I tried but I can't even express very well the feeling. It is just there.