Monday, March 31, 2008


Men with bushy eyebrows. My Dad has the same sort of bushy guy eyebrows. Jim had them. I would tease Jim about him trimming his eyebrows and it was a moment that would then us both smile. Very sadly, I remember touching my fingers against his eyebrows as he lay on the hospital table getting colder. I wanted to feel the hairs once more. He also loved to try and grow a beard. He couldn't grow facial hair on the sides of his face, but he could manage a goatee or mustache. He said the facial hair thing was his 'indian' heritage. He loved to expound upon it as he was in the bathroom shaving and getting ready for work. His bathroom rituals were like clockwork. An orchaestra of well timed parts to a whole. The finished product.

I miss the little details of life that came with being married.

I thought of putting some of the 'Red' perfume on the other day and then decided not to. This was a scent that belonged to Jim. He got it for me as something for me to wear for him. It is not expensive, but it was special. I loved to put some on and then see his head tilt a little as he breathed in the scent. His lips on my neck and my shoulders scrunching up because he was tickling. His arms wrapped around me holding me against him and the complete feeling of safety that was found there.

The contact that we had with each other was an always thing. From the start of our relationship we had no inhibitions about touching. Holding hands, hugging, rubbing legs as we sat in the diner, touching foreheads, it was good to be that comfortable so wonderful comfortable as to not be shy.
Exercising. Jim always tried to keep in shape and he would exercise. Jogging in the mornings or getting on the Total Gym or using the treadmill. He joined a Gym when we lived in Boston. He would go down there in his black and white camo field pants, an old tee shirt and a sweatshirt with the sleeves cut off. He didn't get the concept of sweatpants or an outfit for the gym, he wore what he was comfortable in. He loved to go running in the mornings with the dogs. First it was with Gryphon and then with Mercury. He didn't run with Tigger because he said her 3 legged gait threw him off a bit.

Then were was the singing. Jim always had a walkman or an ipod or something playing as he ran. He would sing along with the music. At home he had some wireless headphones so he could go anywhere in the house and do chores or exercise and still have the music on. He loved the BeeGees and Donna Summer and all the music from Saturday Night Fever. Toby Keith, Johnny Cash, The Village People, Barry Manilow, Bruce Springsteen. Yep, he had a great variety of music on hand. I learned to love his taste in music because it was playing so much.

I will admit, he could get a lot of things done around the house when he got moving on them. I am sorry that the last two years of his life he was so tired. He seemed tired. Maybe it was the heart disease catching up with him. He was trying so hard to keep things up and going and on track. But he found himself more interested in staying in and watching tv than going out to socialize. I can think back now and in my mind see all the couches we had and all the times he was sprawled out on them - usually with a dog on one side of him and the cat nearby.

Interesting. I went from eyebrows to perfume to exercise to music to sprawling.


raising2sons said...

I just wanted to say hello...I found your blog through another's, and I'm so sorry for your loss. Someday, maybe you will once again be able to put a little of the perfume on...I bet your husband would want you to remember him in that way. I wish you peace and blessings. ---Stacy from Ohio.

Rach said...

Hi Betsy. Isn't it funny the little things that are missed? The feeling of the eyebrows, the daily routine of getting ready. To a small degree, I do understand.

I miss the coarse texture of Han's hair as I would run my fingers through it. I miss the way her eyelashes would clump together when they were wet with tears (Han was a bit of a drama queen, you know...). I miss watching her put on her lotions after a bath.

The familiarity of it all meant there was such a level of comfort and trust and now it's gone.

I'm so sorry. SO very very sorry.


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