Thursday, December 27, 2007

Dec 27th

Just a few more days and 2007 will be over. Thank god. The worst year of my 46 years. I can't think of any that was any worse. Or any in 17 years that was worse.

I am counting the hours till 2008 steps in and takes over. I have also created something I have never done before - a new years resolution list. Over the last month I have started thinking about things that I could change because it is just one of me in the house now. Some of the things will make it easier for me and some are things that may improve my health - physical and mental. The list will come later.

Christmas Eve was a fairly traumatic time because of a curve that was tossed to me. I was able to speak to my sister and cry on her shoulder and get it worked out in my head. I spent Christmas baking cookies, watching movies and just sort of relaxing.

I woke up Christmas and lay in bed talking to Jim for awhile. It helps sometimes to actually vocalize the thoughts that I have. He doesn't answer, and I don't know if the answers I make up for him are what he would really say, but it works. I talked to him about the christmas's we had together and tried to run thru my head of each one. I am sad to say I can't remember each one, but could remember a lot of them. Jim and I tried to have some bought gifts and some home made personal gifts each year. I like the home made ones - it means there is some thought put towards the person and what they would enjoy.

My sister called me and wanted me to open her presents to me while we were on the phone. So I got up, put my slippers on and when down to see what Santa had left me. Sis got me a pair of beautiful Multi picture in one frames. There was one for photos of my mom and one for photos of Jim. I will post a pic here if I can. Also was the most awesome pair of fleece 'knock about' slacks. Fleece so they are nice and warm and comfortable for wearing around the house and walking the dogs or just slothing and watching tv. My Dad and Betty gave me a beautiful pair of Calphalon pans. Wheeee! and my brother sent a gift certicate which I promptly put to use yesterday.

I baked some cookies and that was a nice warm feeling in the kitchen. However somewhere in the afternoon I started to get down and feeling the ache of no Jim around. I decided to take a nap, but then found I couldn't. A head ache crept up on me and I didn't know what to do. Sitting on the couch watching Serenity with the dogs helped a little. My friend Thomas called and said he wanted to stop over and he came about an hour later. This cheered me up and then my Dad and Betty came to see me. We headed to my Aunt's house where she has a huge christmas night party and that was fun, to be around friends and sing carols.

It was also a Jim memory free zone. Meaning, Jim and I had never been there for a christmas night party so there were no triggers to set things off. Don't get me wrong, there were still definately moments when I really wanted him by my side and wanted to be smiling at him as we laughed at some antic. When these moments hit, I have found more and more that I sort of close my eyes, grit my teeth and let it pass. These momenets can hit while I remember something that Jim did, that Jim and I did, something that he wrote, something that he watched or just about anything. So I must handle it. Accept the pain, acknowledge the pain, absorb the pain. And it moves onward.

And sometimes it doesn't and I get up and go to the bathroom to cry a little.


Laurie said...

Hi Betsy,

I am glad you made it through Christmas and I am with you, bring on 2008!! I am hoping it is a better and brighter year for so many people and especially for you. It sounds like you have a game plan to start the year on track. This is good. Mine is to clean the clutter around my house, and I do mean clutter everywhere. It's good to have a plan. I thought about you all day Christmas and was hoping for the day to be gentle. Your presents sound great, fleece, I love fleece! Take care and have a good and peaceful rest of the week.

Love, Laurie in Ca.

rachd said...

Hi Betsy,

I'm glad you made it through Christmas. I can not imagine how tough it must have been, but I'm glad to know you talked to Jim. I talk to Hannah all the time and I worry people would think I'm crazy.


suedaz said...

I am right there as well-roll on 2008. 2007 has been just too much to bear most days.
here's to finding peace in our lives once again.

Alicia said...

Please feel free to comment, because then I know someone is out there.

I'm out here.