Cheer? Not.

It is starting to hit.

Just a Mrs., and not a Mr. & Mrs. on the envelopes. It made the fact that Jim won't be here for christmas hurt a little more. I can't expect it to be different, but it still seems not right to just have one name. Not right.

Also, there are no lights hung because, well that was Jim's duty. Along with the tree. He loved to put the tree up and the lights and the ornaments. I don't think I will be putting a tree up this year. I will just go look at other peoples. I am not sure what to do for Christmas day and keep getting asked this. I am just not sure.

Jim always loved Christmas. We would usually stay up till 12 midnight and open one gift then. Neither of us had the willpower to wait and see what was under the tree. Then in the morning, we would sleep in, snuggle against each other and talk for a couple hours. It was a day after weeks of retail madness that we could just be. We would have a little snack and then take the dogs out for a walk. My dad usually has a christmas breakfast and we would go there and then over to his sisters for dinner. This is much the same as what we did on thanksgiving. At his sisters after dinner there was always poker. Poker with Jim was always fun.

Some years we would skip the dinners and such and go to the movies. Jim and I were movie buffs and would rather watch a movie than visit with relatives. I remember going to see Godfather 3 one year but can't remember if it was a thanksgiving or christmas showing.

I can't believe it is true that I will never sit in the theatre with him. Never hold his hand or have our fingers touch in the popcorn box. Oh Jim. I look around me and see the things that are so much a part of you, and now they are the shells that I have left. I can touch and sense and remember you as a part of the memories in the tree pulled out of it's box, but without your strong hands to shape it, it will never be the same. Oh.

I am missing the giggling and laughter that was had by both of us on the night that Jim would hang lights or the decisions on what to get certain people each year. I am missing the anticipation of just what Jim had gotten me and worry if what I got him was alright. That is all replaced by a sadness that I must get myself my own gifts. Maybe it sounds odd too, but I am getting myself something that I would have wanted Jim to get me.

The face in this blog is the inside of me. The outside is still smiling and trying to get by and show that things are alright. I seem to make some people uneasy when I say Jim's name or talk about him and also if I show that I am not happy or doing well. I wish they would talk about him or remember him more. Some of our friends do this. And it makes me not so lonely to know our friends think about him. I don't mean to make people uncomfortable by saying his name, I just can't not do it. The love and support is strong for me. It just is hard to move away from the thoughts someone I love and who was so integrated into my life and everyday living.

I am ready for a break. I am ready for Jan 2nd.