Friday, November 16, 2007

Black cargo pants.

A pair of black cargo pants. An envelope with "Betts" on it in Jim's handwriting. A poster that hung on a wall in our first apartment. The Ugg boots won from top Christmas sales. A jewelry box given to me 7 Christmas's ago. Directions to the cemetary my Grandparents are buried. A suitcase full of comics from about 4 years ago.

These are all things of Jim's that I found while cleaning up and sorting out the upstairs office/spare room. All of them elicited a memory. A pain in the chest. A decision to not toss it. The cargo pants were when I lost it. Stopped and had to cry and feel the loss, the grief. They reached past my hard working exterior and hit me.

But I went on, I sorted out 6 plastic totes containing all sorts of items. And anyone that has seen my spare room (heck my house) (think clean sweep) knows that tonight was an accomplishment. There was a very easy part. My tote of handbags. I whizzed thru them. I didn't realize I had that many and I got rid of about 3/4's of them. Clothing will be next. I set up the bed so I can't go to sleep until I clean the clothes off of it. I am not doing that till I sort thru them.

I held Jim's black cargo pants. I was not going to let them go and decided that I could do that sometime later. For now they are in a special 'Jim' tote. I am really coming to hate Friday's. I was feeling good all day. But this is something that must be done. Will I ever be ready for it. Don't know. I know at a certain point in the sorting that I just wanted to lay down and die too. I can't figure out the why of my being alive. At least not tonight. I think that is when Jim smacked me in the back of the head. And reminded me that I don't think like that so stop it. Maybe it was my Mom. Maybe it was just me. I don't know. But I am past it.

Next week is a first Thanksgiving without my husband and it is looking pretty tough. I guess I can do it, I got thru our birthdays and our anniversary, but Thanksgiving was always a special holiday for us. More than Christmas. I don't really have much to be thankful for and wish it was last year. I try every day to get thru one more day and I am doing it. The lonliness is there.

There are some options for Thanksgiving. A trip to hagerstown via bus and then my sisters gets me and it is on to Wva. for a couple days and then back to hagerstown and the greyhound to baltimore on saturday. Or stay at home and watch movies, hang out in my jammies and relax. To my Dads in westminister with a ton of people (stepfamily) that is really my last choice. Not for any reason other than memories that are there.

I guess I am opting for the first one just because it will be something different. Something I never did with Jim. That will help. Most years when were in this area we would go to my Dad's first and then his sisters and play some poker. She isn't speaking to me anymore so I won't expect an invitation there. I know my Dad would love me there and may even expect it. It was just hard at Labor day to face all the family and try to be 'up'.

I don't know if anyone can understand it. After almost six months, it still feels like yesterday. It still feels like forever.


Laurie said...

"After almost six months, it still feels like yesterday. It still feels like forever." This statement says it all Betsy and yet I see you moving forward and doing what needs to be done. I think it is so good to store the memories that mean so much to you. The first option for Thanksgiving that you mentioned sounds good to me. Go where you feel most comfortable and stay in your jammies as much as you can. I hope your weekend has something special in it that makes you smile.

Laurie in Ca.

MrsGrumpy said...

No one can say they truly understand the pain of another...but I feel it. I feel your pain. I think of each day as one more day that I am farther away from him in my life. I read your words and I hurt so badly for you. There is so much I wish for us. So much that can't happen. I struggle with the holidays and I have to do something because of the kids. My last bit of blabbing here would be... I am Thankful that I met you, and only wish it wasn't for the very horrible reason that has thrown us into the same boat. Many, many hugs to you.