Hell

Grocery shopping was hell today. It seemed everything I looked at was something Jim used to buy or would have liked or that we shared. I was deliberately trying to avoid this and yet there were the hot peppers or a slice of cheesecake or the tortilla chips staring me in the face. It made the trip ten times more touchy. How do you explain to the stockboy why you are crying as you stand next to the tastykakes? How can such a little things trigger such emotions?

Tomorrow will be fourth month of noticing such things.

I read on a widows messageboard that one lady's rationalization during her early months after her loss was that she was the one that had died and she was actually in hell and that her husband is alive and living in an alternate universe. Sounds crazy but I doubt anyone out there can prove her wrong.

This loss of her husband was hell because of the pain, bottomed out, totally wrecked emotions that she was suffering. And if he is alive in an alternative universe, then he was really alive. I thought about this for awhile. I hadn't thought like that before - I always believed in a heaven, but not a hell. But it is such total hell -burning pain that makes it hard to even want to move, a hell in every breath I take, to be without him. And I don't know how else to describe it.

Tomorrow is the fourth month of hell. Hell on Earth.

Hell, hell, hell, hell, HELL. Hello world, life really sucks. Coming back from the grocery store I ate some dinner and couldn't keep my eyes open. I took a nap and woke up 4 hours later. Usually when I do this I feel better. Not tonight. It has been only 4 months and I look back and feel like 2 of those months were such a daze of disbelief, numbness, need to get paperwork things straightened out and going thru the motions that I am not sure how I functioned at all. It was on pure autopilot. I know the last two months have been me trying to deny that it has happened, realizing that it did, trying to come to grips with that and then such a feeling of floating above it all. And most of all of the above mentioned are in the course of one day, just an up and down ride all day. For the most part, outward stable and functioning, inside trying to keep it together and brain working overtime.

I have been lucky in support from my Dad, and family and friends. Friends that have been around to keep me busy and check up on me - in such ways as to not be seeming to. By having me over, by calling and by stopping in and by taking me out of the house. I wouldn't have made it four months. Maybe with help I will make it thru this hell for four more.