Sunday, September 30, 2007

A calm night

I watched the fading sunlight hit the red brick and look up in the sky to see the beautiful pink sunset clouds. Jim told me once when we were first married that his father called the cloud color 'sky blue pink'. I love that description and have used it every since. Sky blue pink is the twilight color that turns the sky a surreal magical fairyland feeling. It makes me feel close to heaven and close to Jim. This pic is the only one I can find that shows the coloring. It is taken from the front porch of our home in the Boston area.

So I sat on the couch this afternoon with a dog on one side and one on the other side. Both with their heads on my thighs and both sound asleep. I turned the tv off and put my head back and contemplated just how my life has changed.

Yes, it has.

I also thought about all the times it has taken a swing one way or the other and changed. I recovered from them and feel, given time, I will accept this tragedy in my life. Recover I am not so sure, but accept, eventually yes. Right now, no. Now I still want the phone to ring or to wake up next to him. But I feel that most days I am much calmer about the pain that is inside. Of course, I write this at a relatively calm moment. Looking back at how the last four months have been, I may be in full hysteria mode in two hours, I just can't tell anymore.

Today was a day of chores. Some were the ones that Jim used to do. Now I have to do them, no matter how long I put them off, they must get done. There have been significant changes to my lifestyle and daily routine and way to think things out. Thinking ahead about the winter and the cold months coming, thinking about bills to pay and how to cut down expenses. There has even been the thinking out of how to do some simple duties since I dont' have the strength or height to take care of them in the regular manner - that is, call Jim to do it.

After sitting for awhile on the couch, I took the dogs out back and relaxed in the dusk sunlight. Sipping some ice tea and again, looking around me at the yard. I realized that there were some things I wanted to do...and I could do them. I want to add some color to the fence and will be painting it. I would like to put some more windchimes up and fix the cracked cement. I don't think I will be doing these things any time soon, but just thinking them out made me feel positive about my day.

Lists have become critical for me. Both the 'what to do' list and the 'what you are doing' list. I need the latter one to remind of appointments, visits from friends, family gatherings and other things in my life outside of the house. The 'what to do' list is usually chores and duties to be accomplished in a day or a weekend. Sometimes I get only one thing done on the list. But I feel good about it. Sometimes I get half the list done and feel good about it. Sometimes I get nothing done and just don't care. I don't think I have been able to cross everything off the list yet. The list changes daily and that makes it more interesting.

Probably every household has these lists, we had them before Jim died, but they were a shared list. I could designate - J -trash out, B-laundry at least 2 loads, J-walk dogs, B-take care of plants in yard. And so on. The routine has been changed and adjustments are being made.

But first, I think I will go and gaze up at the beautiful moon. The sky is calm tonight.

No comments: