Thursday, August 2, 2007

I guess I can

I guess I can end the day sad. Because sad is what I am. I gazed at your picture and already feel like I losing the memory of your laugh. I wish we had more videos of you. To hear your voice and the inflections of your words.

Memories of you have flooded my day. I saw an ad for Pee Wees Great Adventure movie to be played here in Baltimore. I thought immediately of you and your Pee Wee Herman voice. You did it so well. But I can't quite hear it in my mind, but I can see you as you do it, your eyes full of the fun of it and as you get about two sentences out you would collapse and laugh at yourself.

There is also, the memory of seeing you in the hospital, just a few minutes after they told me you didn't make it. That has been in my head all day. I don't know why. I keep feeling your hair under my hands and not belieiving it. Talking to you then, hoping the nightmare would end. Until I knew there was no way, because if you had seen me crying you would have held me. You always did.

Slogging thru all the paperwork and bills and things to sort out has not been fun. It seems like everyday a new problem pops up. Something to figure out and how to handle and what to do. I would have thought it would be all done by now. But its not. Many more pieces of paper to handle.

Its late and I need to go to bed. I am going to think of a good memory to fall asleep to. Feel free to come from wherever you are and help me with this. I feel you around me and know you are with me.

I know. Of all the trips we have made together, one that stands out is the horseback ride down in Florida. I will think about the horses and the fun and the silly horseshoes that hang outside with the names of the horses we rode. We were stuck in walk mode and we wanted to trot or canter or maybe gallup, but the tour lady said no.

Yes, I will think on this. I will hope tonight that tomorrow will bring a better feel to it. I need it.

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