Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Bad night Better memories

It was a bit of a bad night....but it got better. The day went well and work was cool. I was moved from part time to full time and that will help some with finances and just having something to do during the day.

The night crept in and as it got darker so did my mood. I realized after dinner that this would be the first holiday without Jim. I started to think about things we had done on the Fourth of July. And it got me down. I found my self wandering thru the house saying over and over 'I miss you Jim, Jim I miss you". I said it to the couch, the walls, the kitchen and the screen door as I looked out at the yard.

I tried to hold the tears in but they came anyway. Buckets of them. I couldn't seem to stop them. There was a feeling of helplessness in the situation and an uncontrollable feeling of just plain old sadness. Sadness that he was gone.

I called a friend of mine and talked to her for a bit and things got better. We talked about me coming up to visit her, the state of her hot tub, her dog running away from the fireworks (as mine do) and her boys in summer camp. The semi trivial things helped to stabilize my brain a bit. I also talked to her about how I was feeling and getting the thoughts verbalized was a help.

After talking to her I looked at a photo I took when Jim and I went to see fireworks in the city. We were on the side of a grassy hill, with his brother, sister and friends. It may have been our first or second Fourth of July. There was a clear sky, perfect weather and lots of laughter. I took pictures and had him amazed that I could capture the fireworks. (it was in the days of 35mm film and no such thing as digital cameras) It was a fun night for us all.

Another Fourth of July memory is from when we lived in Boston. We were so excited to be in Boston for the 4th - okay, well, I was excited - we didn't know what we were going to do. I got off of work and he said "come this way". He walked me out to the street and there was a horse and carriage. The fireworks were just starting and we rode around the Boston historical area witih our heads up in the air and laughing. The carriage driver took us down right near the water where we had a clear view of the spectacular display. It is a lot different in real life than it is on the television.

A couple years ago we had crabs in the backyard for the Fourth. Our neighbors came over and Alan made fresh gazpacho soup. That was a first for me and I love it. We had crabs and margaritas and the soup. We can sit on our stoop and see almost to the harbor and catch just little glimpses of the fireworks in the city. There are usually neighbors out there and we all socialize a bit. There are better places to see them, but the stoop is the easiest.

I started this post in a down mind set, but the memories of Fireworks gone by has helped.

Jim I miss you.

Fireworks from 1990ish - this was pre-photoshop, or us even having a computer. Just a clear night with the moon, a tripod and a Pentax 35 mm with an open shutter to catch the fireworks.

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