Friday, July 6, 2007


What a day.

I am sitting here listening to some wonderful classical music. Couldn't tell you who it is a mixture of composers and 6 cd's of various styles...but all of the classical genre.

Happily I am able to do this because my friend Cindy figured out why Jim's stereo system wasn't working. Um. One of the three components Unplugged. D'oh!!!!!

This is Jim's system that I am listening to. One of the three parts he has had since before me. I love it and am glad to have it playing again. Thank you Cindy!

So what about that title to this blog? Well, I was laying on the bed, eyes closed and feeling Jim beside me and I was talking to him. Telling him about what I did today and how work went with my new promotion from part time to full time and how I have rearranged things a little and that's okay. I was wanting his 'approval'. Or maybe feedback. For him to say "great job, good idea, that works!". To know that all was right in our house. And I realized that the interaction with another human, and not just any human, but my human - the one I was in tune with and understood and...well...loved, that was something I was missing.

It may sound odd to those that are single, but even as a strong bull headed and independent woman (me) wanting your spouse to approve of the decisions that you made for both is not that strange. I can make those decisions. I can carry them out. I can even smile when it is finished. But I would like someone to say "wow".

A memory moment. This winter we went to Target. I wanted to get a newer microwave/bakers rack type dealie for the kitchen. We found one, brought it home and I proceeded to open the box. Jim looked at me and said "how about I do that after a nap". I said "no problem, go lay down and I will be up in a bit". He went on up, and was promptly asleep. I continued to pull stuff out of the box, look at the instructions that were minimal at best and figure the chinese puzzle out. Got it built.

Then transferred everything from the old bakers rack onto the table. Then moved everything in the back room to the picnic table. Then moved old bakers rack to empty area in backroom. (tired yet?) Then moved stuff from picnic table to old bakers rack. Then moved moved new bakers rack to the empty spot in kitchen. Then put stuff from table onto it, doing a bit of minimalizing as I went.

Wow, did it look good. Jim was surprised when he came down from his nap and I think pleased. He took me out for dinner to celebrate.

There is a pleasure in pleasing your partner. And letting them please you. His approval is needed but not in the sense that I can't go on without it. It is just a missing part of the puzzle of my life.

So there are times during the day when I am wanting to be able to just call him and say "I love you, I am proud of you, drive safe" and that is something I am missing. Also missing the grabbing him by the belt loops, rub my head into his chest and then gaze into his eyes, and say "guess what I did today" or "geesh, that lady on the bus pissed me off" or "so, how do you like it?" or "honey how was your day and what do you want for dinner?" Missing that.

Jim always was a positive guy about things and I think that has helped me be strong. I hope I don't crumble six months from now, but I will worry about that then.

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