Sunday, July 22, 2007

And yet another Sunday morning

These Sunday mornings without Jim don't end do they?

I woke up suddenly this morning. Woke up and immediately started crying. Not soft sniffles but kick ass wails and sobs. I couldn't stop. I tried to lay down, found myself choking and seeing stars and sat up. I went to the bathroom and tried water, and spit it out. I was sobbing so hard I just couldn't stop.

And it was strange because one side of my brain was saying 'stop, you can stop this, slow down, breathe'... and the other side of my brain was not getting ANY of that message and just got worse and worse. I finally was able to get my body to move to the tissues and blew my nose. That helped. For about 12 seconds, then it started again. Tears and more.

I moved downstairs, and just sat at the table crying. I tried petting the dogs and cried while I did it and they looked at me a little frightened. I don't know what happened this morning, but just as I thought 'okay, its stopping' I would realize Jim wasn't there and I would suddenly break out into more tears and I could feel my face crunching up and my jaws clenching. I couldn't believe I was still crying.

I realized after sitting with the dogs what I needed. I needed to hear another voice. I needed someone to talk to me. Not for me to talk...but to hear them.

I called my sister and woke her up and in between incoherent sobs, told her to talk to me. So she, bless her heart, did. She told me about my newly married niece and the new job she has, then told me about them cutting the brush down in their riverfront property and oh this that and the other. Then she made me talk a little. I drank water and that helped too. Eventually I settled down but it was a good hour or more of just no control over what I was doing. Just sobbing.

I don't know what started it. A dream I don't remember? I don't know. I know I haven't cried like that since the end of the memorial service, when I had to leave him. I don't know if even then it was this bad. It didn't last this long. But I had people around me then. Holding me, talking to me. I remember this morning thinking 'how can I keep going, why am I still crying? I would take two breathes and then there would be still more tears. They didn't hurt like other times when I have cried for the loss of Jim. It was a different kind of crying. But I don't know how to describe the difference.

I talked to my friend Lynelle about this and she said it was a needed release. She asked, did I feel better afterwards? At that point, I said no, but in retrospect, I think I do feel better, in an odd way.

I think I got thru the whole day without asking 'why why why did this happen to him', and during the day, to not be so angry about what happened. Maybe the anger will come back, maybe not. But I felt peaceful tonight. As I think about him being gone the cannonball hole isn't there. And yet, I still do miss him, won't ever forget him and my eyes hurt when I think about crying.

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