Friday, March 18, 2011


I was doing some gardening and wanted some background music. I struggled with trying to get the boom box to work. It needed C batteries. Oh well. Trying to figure something else out to use...what else did I have. I thought about the cd player/alarm/digital clock that was upstairs. I hadn't thought about it in a long while. Didn't know if I even could. It was the one that Jim and I used for years as our alarm clock. We would start the morning with Enya singing to us. It was too painful to listen to when he first passed away. I just unplugged it and moved it a couple feet over and boughta $12 alarm from Wal-mart.

I found it and dusted it off. A lot of dust had accumulated over the years. I saw under the dust was the label I made and stuck to it. Betsy loves Jim xoxoxo. I put that on it when I gave it to him. Touching that made me sad, yet I didn't want to be sad, I wanted to sit in the sun and plant flowers. Well, I couldn't get the radio to work but it would still play cd's. I couldn't bear Enya, however I did pull some Croce, Huey and Blues Brothers. An odd mix, but it was what I grabbed first. I was doing good singing along until BAMM Croce started singing "Photographs and Memories". A song about a love lost and what was left behind. His voice just rolled the lyrics out and his guitar melded it into a song that touched me in a deep place.

Yep, I lost it. I mean, with Jim gone that is basically what I have. Photographs of our life together. Memories of the times we shared. I sat in the backyard and cried for a bit as I listened to the song. I got up at the end and put Huey Lewis back in and started singing again.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Trying to get into the habit

I have been doing this really odd thing. Exercising. Thanks to the LivingSocial daily deals I am a member of an Athletic Swim club. I love to swim and never seem to have been able to do it often enough in the last few years. I used to be on a syncronized swim team when I was in my teens.

So I go and do some laps. Ha. I look around me and feel very intimidated. But I raise my chin and carry on. My progress is sort of - swim half way up the lane, stop, tread water and float on my back to practice synchro moves and then swim the rest of the way, and about half way back again, then swim on my back the rest of the way, then rest for a few minute practising kicking. Not near the relentless lap swimming that I saw myself doing when I joined, but it works.

My arms are very sore, but that is just unused muscles, suddenly being used! I went tonight and didn't swim but walked on the treadmill. I have never exercised on real equipment before so this is kinda cool. I set up my Kindle and was able to read as I walk. Awesome. My legs are protesting a bit, but again, they will get used to it.

I hope to keep my resolve up and have this become a habit, not a happenstance. I forced myself to go tonight...I was all set to relax in front of the tv. Well, I came home and did that. I know habits are hard to break, but they are also hard to form, but I am trying.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

I told myself....

I told myself that March was going to be my rest and relaxation month. It seems I have had some big event or project each month for the last few months. A couple weeks ago I bought in on one of the daily special offers and got a pass to the local swimclub for $20 for 6 weeks. Normally around $150. So I am relaxing and swimming this month and into April.

I have though, already been planning the next two big projects. One is painting the living room and the other is the reworking the backyard. My neighbor has offered to assist in both these so that will be a big help. The yard was going to be the project last year but I got sidetracked with a knee injury. Now I am back up and things are planned out in my head.

Speaking of projects, I was going thru some old family pictures and sorting them out to give to my siblings. Somewhere in a pile was a bunch of pics I took of the house before Jim renovated it. It is in a half state of all the furniture out but nothing done yet. The pepto bismal pink walls were there and the nicotine stained window and door frames can be seen. It is nice to look around and see the changes that have been made and how far we have come and how much further I have been able to take it on my own - well - with my brothers and others help!

Saturday, March 5, 2011

white hawaiian shirts

Jim Dream - haven't had one in awhile, but woke up this morning on the way to our wedding.

Well, it was a renewal wedding. The dream started the day before the actual wedding and my family was there, even people that are no longer with us. Trying to get the food organized and the wedding dress to fit. It was chaotic. The wedding was planned for the next day in the late afternoon. I snuggled up to Jim that night and we talked about our renewal vows. I told him how the dress wasn't fitting right. He said let's scrap all that. We talked about not going on a long second honeymoon but rather holing up in a local hotel just north of us, because they had an indoor/outdoor pool and a lot of good memories with us over the years from when we went to science fiction conventions.

Then we were waking up in the morning and going out shopping for Hawaiian shirts. White ones. We decided that we would both wear them. I am not a traditional gal anyway so this would be fun. We walked down the aisle hand in hand with these white hawaiian patterned shirts and smiling at each other.

The dream was happy and a good way to wake up.