Sunday, November 13, 2011

Still missing you

I’m still missing you
Still missing you

I turn to ask a question or listen for an objection
and I only hear the the emptiness of where you used to be

I’m still missing you

There seems to be no hope for me
No dreams left to achieve
No, not depressed, not angry, just feeling left behind.

Some days I smile and laugh and wonder where you are.
Some days I go thru the motions and work towards something that’s too far.

I see you in the house, a ghost of what was here. I love to see your face and know that you are near.
I can always find you, if only in my thoughts.

I am slowly emptying out the house but it’s hard to keep up the pace. I stop and look at the shirts you wore or the movies you used to watch. I don’t want to let them go just yet, but I know some times I must.

To take this home and make it mine and make that step forward, I try and try and hope you don’t mind and think you would be okay. This house was yours. You told me about that corner you had to stand it when you were bad and the games played in the kitchen.

I know what I need to do, but doing it is another story.

We gathered a lot of things in our life together. Books and toys and stuff. Boxes and boxes to go thru and decide which memories to keep.

I lay in bed last night and dreamed of dreaming of you. I thought about the last time I cried and know it has been awhile. This make me sad but also makes me think the time has formed that scar. It once was an open wound on my heart and at some point became a scab. The emptiness is still there but the world has grown past it.

I touch my heart and think of you and still wonder why you had to go.

I'm still missing you.


written at 1ish in the morning on sunday 11/13 after waking from a dream and thinking of Jim.


betts 4 said...

I read this and thought I sounded awfully depressed, I am not really. I realized that day that I hadn't had a break down gawd awful cry in a long time when I thought just few years ago I would never stop crying. Just that made me sad. I miss Jim and want to him to be close for me to touch, yell at, sing to or just tell him what's for dinner. I still grieve this loss.

Jack B. Nimble said...

The loss of a soul mate is so exhausting, Betts. I think a lot of it is the frustration that you can't undo the split second that took him from you. Life will never be the same, but my son used to tell me, and it helped me, "You can't have a positive and a negative thought in your head at the same time."

He was right, but I lose sight of that at times. Others, naturally, have moved on from their loss I still get that awful, empty, and terribly sad feeling in the pit of my stomach--I feel left behind, too.

Fortunately, as time has moved on I have met a lot of people who didn't know Rich, and have done a lot of things that Rich and I didn't do together. That helps when I'm busy.

We still have to face the time alone with our thoughts. Those are the moments that others don't know about, and won't until they lose their soul mate. I had no idea what it was like for a widow or widower until I was one, myself.