Thursday, May 22, 2008

Long few days

It's going to be a long few days as I suffer the memory of the events of a year ago. I thought I was prepared mentally for this. I had been trying to work it out in my head. But that was logic and now it is emotion.

I had a really bad couple of minutes when the walls of the house were closing in on me. I started to lose control and grabbed the phone. I called my friend Cindy and just hearing her voice helped me so much. Thanks Cindy!

Coming upstairs to read emails and I looked up the post I wrote a year ago on a message board I go to all the time. I just don't know what to do with myself. Stupid me went back are reread the thread from a year ago and I can't stand it.

We went in to the hospital on a thursday night and this was written at 11:57 pm friday night on 5/25/07. Because it was a thursday night of memorial day weekend is why it is hitting me so hard. The actual 'dates' don't match but the days do.

4 Stents- surgery today for heart -------------

I went into the ER last night/ thursday with my husband. Now, almost 24 hours later he is in recovery for a cathater dye(sp) and 4 stents in his heart/veins/arteries. Excuse my slight confusion, I am tired.

My husband is diabetic and a bad one at that. However the ER really messed up his insulin and sugar levels. I got to see him at 3 pm at a level of 399 and then at 7:30pm at a level of 32, crashing bad and barely coherent. Luckily we were in a hospital so they could fix him up quick, but it was scary for a couple of minutes.

We went in because of a 'jump' or 'hiccup' in his chest. That was how he described it. So they kept him all night and then did a stress test this morning and then decided to do the catheter to see what might be happening.

I was amazed throughout the day at how awfully long it took to get anything accomplished and how we had to threaten to do an AMA - leave without doctors permission - to get the doctor to come down and talk to us. We had been there 15 hours before we actually SAW a doctor, the rest of the time was nurses that had spoken to a doctor. And the whole clustermuck with his insulin and sugar levels made me want to never go to a hospital again.

I am hoping this will help him feel better. I don't know quite what to expect in his health from this now. I mean, what he can do and not do at home and at work. We will talk to the doc tomorrow before he is discharged.

posted at 8am saturday morning --------
Quote from another message board member:
Stents can be coated or uncoated. Now the coated stents are getting bad press because it seems they clog up and may not be better than the uncoated stents. Anyone know what is being used now?

Me ----
I didn't know this, haven't done any looking into stents, (didn't realize I was spelling it wrong) but I may ask if they know what was used.

Thanks for the good wishes and thoughts. I feel better this morning after a good nights sleep and some breakfast. Jim has already called to tell me he wants to get out of there and that they want to give him some iv that will keep him there till 6pm. (a blood thinning drip that he needs) I told him to do what the docs say, they paid a lot for their knowledge and that I would be there as soon as possible. (they may not always be right, but they know more than I do).

It is odd to read my optimism there, but we had it. We thought he was going to be in good shape from that point on. I receieved many well wishes and virtual hugs and some prayers and good thoughts. The messageboard is a small online psuedo family with a lot support shared.

Here is the last post, it was written tuesday night. Jim died tuesday morning at 3:35am.

Stents didn't help husband is gone------

My husband Jim passed away this morning at 3 am. He had had some stents put in his heart for blockage over the weekend. He woke this morning with chest pains and couldn't breathe. He went into the hospital and went into a full arrest and they could not revive him. He was 53.
I am still numb and don't know where to turn.
My sister and brother in law are here and I am are at there house. My father was with me all day. The meeting wth the funeral director was surreal. But we did settle a few things. Jim will have his superman jacket draped on the casket and his superman tie on. He would have wanted that. There is a funeral home in Hampden that he will be at.
I can always remember that we had a really good day on monday before this happened. spent time together, ran errands(to trader joes) , went to see spidey 3, watched some favorite columbo eps and he read comics as i fell asleep.
I am sorry if i am rambling. I am in a sort of numb state, i am at my sisters for a while. I don't know when i will be online, but wanted to let my tivo friends know of this. Please say prayers for my man of steel. Thank you.

There may be a couple posts like this as I try to work out the events of the weekend last year and how I am feeling this year. It sounds stupid but I still want to wake up and find it was just a nightmare.


Lynelle said...

I have been thinking of you as the Memorial Day weekend approaches. It sucks that you have more than one "anniversary" since the holiday shifts (not that you don't mourn EVERY DAY - but you have more than one THE DAY). You and Jim are in my thoughts...

Bismo said...

Thanks, for sharing that, Betsy, and please don't hesitate to do more... there's no reason for you to relive those memories on your own, share 'em and we'll feel it with you.

The girl left behind said...

My thoughts are with you as you get through this milestone. It's amazing how those memories can bring you right back there in a one heartbreaking instant. But you have come far.

Rach said...

Oh, Betsy, I'm SO SO sorry. This is my worst fear--reliving that awful day, those horrible moments.

I'm praying for you and hope you manage to find some time to be with friends over the weekend. Be busy and celebrate Jim.

Oh how I wish there were something, ANYTHING, I could do to ease this for you. I'm having an anxiety attack just thinking of how you must be feeling.

HUGS and prayers, my friend. I'll keep checking in on you over the weekend.


Linda said...

Oh Betsy,
My thoughts and prayers are with you.Do what you need to do this weekend, but remember to reach out when ever you need to. My heart is yours...