Saturday, April 12, 2008


So last night I had a memory flash I don't want to forget. Until last night I hadn't thought/remembered this.

Jim's feet. His crappy toes with toenails he would cut too far and they would bleed. It was a regular thing. His skinny ass feet and boney ankles. His white almost hairless skin where no sun touched. You could see where the socks ended because of the line that was there.

And I remembered running my fingers on them. Touching his skin and hearing his voice and yes, licking his toes. I wished I had taken a photo of them. Weird as it sounds, I realized as I started thinking of them, that I miss that part of him too.

Cleaning the bathroom tonight I pulled out the aftershave he used. The same brand in all the years that I knew him. Halston z-14. I put some on my wrists, neck and under my nose. It's the bottle I got him for christmas. His last christmas.

I feel like in some way I am committing self abuse. Forcing myself to feel this pain that I have kept bottled up for weeks. Forcing to get it out I guess. yes, it has been here and has been kept under the lock and key that makes me think things are getting better. Sometimes they are and sometimes they aren't. They will be better tomorrow because this coming out and it's a purge.

I am taking a deep breathe and going down to sit with the dogs and watch some Marx brothers movies. I will try not to think about the image of Jim on the couch, stretched out with a dog on one side, and his feet on my lap. His feet.

added comment - an hour after posting this and I am feeling better. I went downstairs, watched some tv and put my head on my dog Mercury's chest. It was nice to feel a chest breathing and hear the heartbeat. I could close my eyes and imagine in bed with Jim. But he wasn't that hairy. Anyway, the cat started purring and came and layed down next to me. It was a wonderful festival of unconditional love. Thank god for our pets.


Linda said...

Isn't it funny that the little nuances,the things that make someone unique, stick with us.Charlie had funny feet, too. They were often in my lap, and I would rub them.

Rach said...

Feet. Ha! It's funny the things you forget to remember.

I forgot to remember Hannah's knobby knees and the way she would sit with her elbow propped on the table while eating. Lil did it the other day and it completely triggered a memory.

Savor the memories. And, sometimes, it's good to wallow in the pain. It may be masochistic, but, I always feel SO much better afterwards, it's worth it.

I hope Tigger and Mercury were wonderful cuddle buddies.


Laurie said...

Pets are wonderful and the greatest source of unconditional love too. I have been gone for 4 days out of town and just read back to catch up. I think you are doing good Betsy, facing the feelings head on. They don't last forever, but it sure helps to get them purged out. This is a healing gift to yourself. It is going to get you through. I won't go back to comment on each post, but I want to tell you that I think you are doing so good.

Laurie in Ca.