I miss his voice and touch and find them fading more and more and I hate that. I look at photos and sometimes it hurts so much I can't stand it and sometimes I talk to them. It hurts as I look at the picture because I see what was and what never will be again. I see the look and remember the expression that was his. There is a peace to hearing his voice and laugh again if even in my head.
I miss Jim's presence in our home. Sometimes lately I have felt like that time., that 17 years we had was a world away. And other moments it feels like just yesterday when he was hugging me. It is hard to ignore the feeling inside, it is playing games with my head and I feel guilty because I think of the time with Jim as a time that has passed. A time in the past. I can't believe it. And I don't want it because that means I have lost a little more. I don't want to lose anymore of him.
The memories still hang on and sometimes it is funny when one crops up that I had forgotten. Just a simple phrase or gesture and Jim is there with me, in my head again. There are nights when I go to sleep and can't imagine another day going by. Then a friend calls or writes and I find a form of support I hadn't looked for but am glad is there. A friend that doesn't even know they are offering support because all they are being is a friend. Thank you friends.
Today marks 10 months since Jim died in the emergency room. Ten months and I can still see the last moments clearly and try every day to get them out of my head. And after all I wrote, I do try to remember the beauty and fun he gave me.
Ten months. Some days it is much better and some it as bad as ever. Yet, right from my heart is the love I have for Jim. Right here in my heart. And with that I know he will be with me, near me, forever.