Contemplation on me

I was driving into work this morning and thinking about the next few days. I have a lot to get done before going to visit my Aunt, Uncle and cousins for the holiday, and yet I was very settled and okay. I thought about this and decided it is because I have taken charge of my life in a new way. I had been coasting and going day to day. Trying hard to be ready for the next crisis and never really making it. Today I finally felt like I had made it. Not sure what that means, but I felt like I was in control of things, instead of things being in control of me.

Most likely this will change by next week, but hey, it was a nice feeling for today.

A three hour tour....

Not a 3 hour tour, but rather a 3 hour dinner. Just came back from this and am very full with tasty Indian food.

I took my friend and neighbor out for her birthday dinner. She is vegaterian and loves Indian food so we went to a local spot. And then ate and talked. And talked and talked and talked some more. The server finally just gave us the check and said "stay as long as you like". We got in the car and I saw that it was 9 pm. Wow. We had gotten there at 6 pm.

The talk was good, I think both of us were purging about stuff that had happened in the last month or so. She had started dating on OKcupid and was telling me some stories about that and I was talking about jobs and what I want to be when I grew up and it was fun. We jumped from trips to the north to go skiing to her upcoming trip to Delhi for christmas to her getting the roof replaced and me getting my ducts in the house cleaned to our dogs, our cats, our sex life or lack there of to how cute the server guy was and whether she may work in MD or DC next spring to what to pain the kitchen.

Yep. Fun and much needed. I am full of good food and relaxed. Friends are good for the soul.

Still missing you

I’m still missing you
Still missing you

I turn to ask a question or listen for an objection
and I only hear the the emptiness of where you used to be

I’m still missing you

There seems to be no hope for me
No dreams left to achieve
No, not depressed, not angry, just feeling left behind.

Some days I smile and laugh and wonder where you are.
Some days I go thru the motions and work towards something that’s too far.

I see you in the house, a ghost of what was here. I love to see your face and know that you are near.
I can always find you, if only in my thoughts.

I am slowly emptying out the house but it’s hard to keep up the pace. I stop and look at the shirts you wore or the movies you used to watch. I don’t want to let them go just yet, but I know some times I must.

To take this home and make it mine and make that step forward, I try and try and hope you don’t mind and think you would be okay. This house was yours. You told me about that corner you had to stand it when you were bad and the games played in the kitchen.

I know what I need to do, but doing it is another story.

We gathered a lot of things in our life together. Books and toys and stuff. Boxes and boxes to go thru and decide which memories to keep.

I lay in bed last night and dreamed of dreaming of you. I thought about the last time I cried and know it has been awhile. This make me sad but also makes me think the time has formed that scar. It once was an open wound on my heart and at some point became a scab. The emptiness is still there but the world has grown past it.

I touch my heart and think of you and still wonder why you had to go.

I'm still missing you.

-----------------


written at 1ish in the morning on sunday 11/13 after waking from a dream and thinking of Jim.

Fears of Zero

A bit late for Halloween, but think of this as alternative to The Raven.

---------------
Late.
Late at night.
When the world sleeps.
And I am here alone.
And here I come some nights to confront my fears.
They're here...my fears.
They are always with me.
Lurking, scurrying, hiding, and waiting.
They come!
And they go.
Though they are gone they are never far
and here alone at night I can confront them.
There they are...confronted fears!
Fears of hunger, fears of pain, fears of missing the last train.
Fears of dentists always drilling, fears that no one will be willing...
to see me as I know I really am.
Once they are counted and compelled...they can quickly be dispelled...
Like figments of my own imagination.

But always, there are other fears.
Fears of snakes, fears of cats,
fears of maītre d's and rats.
An irrational black terror...
that someday I may get fat.
Fear of elevators falling, and the taxman someday calling
And the accidental walling of myself up inside a clammy, dank, old, dingy cellar where the spiders weave around my tummy
And the worms, and bugs and crawly things squirm and squiggle at my person. (Oh, I love it!)
Once they are counted and compelled, they can quickly be dispelled...

But then there are other fears.
Fears of bullets, there's a dread.
Fear of baldness on the head.
Fear of waking up one morning, to discover that you are dead.
Once they are counted and compelled, they can quickly be dispelled...
Like figments of my own imagination.

Then there is the last fear.
Just about the time I'm past fear.
The one that really is final.
It will come.
Yours...and mine'll.
In the darkest of the night
it will come without a fight.
It will count me and compel me.
It will casually dispel me.
For I am just a figment of its own imagination.


-----

Fears of Zero
Written by Jerry Juhl
Preformed by Zero Mostel on The Muppet Show

This was first shared with me by a friend who did a calm, slow reading of the work. Then I went to youtube and learned just how Muppets change everthing!

Ouch! My poor head!

I did it again yesterday. Smacked the top of my head on something hard enough to scrape skin and hair and make it bleed. I didn't even notice the bleeding part, that was pointed out to me by a friend.

I was working in my basement which is about 5 feet high and has all kinds of ducts and pipes and such running through it. I bent down, stood back up and bam, that did it. A nice 2 inch scrape on the top of my head.

That's okay, it is not alone up there. 2 years ago I slipped in the rain and fell off my front steps and went head first into the concrete sidewalk. Big ouch. I think I may have even blacked out for a moment and when I reached up to feel my scalp, I came away with a bit of skin and hair and blood. Ick.

I think this started back when I was about ten. I had long blondish red hair and was playing in the yard with my brothers. I got up on the tire swing and stood up on the top of it. Then suddenly in the swirling around, my hair got caught in the rope and a piece got yanked out so fast I didn't have a chance to yell. I yelled a lot afterwards that's for sure.

There have been other times I have scraped or scratched or cracked my head and the top of my head bears the scars. I am glad I heal fast.

Brother from anotha' mother

Some extraordinary friends. Don't think of them as friends but as cousins. I have spent more real life time with them than my real blood cousins. Their parents and my parents were good friends and we were always at one or the other of each others houses for a holiday or summer fun. For 50 years I have been looking to my dad's friend and saying "Uncle Ed". It has been amazing to know them. We all grew up together playing in the backyard, in the pool, at the beach and sharing holidays. There were four of them and four of us and we all sort of match in ages also. Like our parents were pregnant sort of within a few months of each other. It is pretty cool.

We were not alone in this pairing either, there is a third family that was part of the gang and was friends with our parents. There are only three kids in their family, but again they were matching within a few months of us. It is sort of eerie but it makes it fun too. The three families have a yearly reunion that is always a blast and the bond is still there.

The families came together in New Jersey and lived in an apartment complex for a few years. Then when the apartments were outgrown we moved on to our own houses and backyards. Backyards with lots of cook outs and kids run hither and yon and babies on blankets gazing up at dad with the camera. I have home movies to prove this, but haven't gotten them on youtube yet.

Somewhere when I hit 4 or so the families moved onward again and further apart. We still were in touch, but not quite like it used to be. Except for Uncle Ed and his family, we saw them at various times of the year. Went to graduations, weddings and funerals thru the years. Some fun stories about things that happened when you had too much to drink at a wedding. Oh boy!

There was a time as we grew older that we got involved in spouses and in laws and such, didn't see them as much. Still there was always a kick ass Halloween party that my one cousin would host and Jim and I tried to make it to that at least every other year or so. Jim and I enjoyed hanging with my cousins and connecting in a different way then I did to my own siblings.

I enjoy the laughter that is found when spending time together. Laughter as we play cards, or pictionary or just sharing a meal. It is a sound that I miss when I am alone in my house and am glad to hear again. There is always the fun of remembering our lives and the events that we shared through the many years. In a big family there is always a variety of things that never seem to be forgotten. These are treasured.

When I lost Jim, then my Dad they opened up even more with invitations to visit and be part of their family holidays or just for a place to get away from the confines of the house and the city. Much as my brother in Ohio has done. It makes me feel good to know that there is a place I can go, even in the darkest of times and find family.

The photo at the top is me, and my older brother (far right) with my cousins. The one below was taken on my cousin's 50th birthday.

Happy Anniversary

We were married November 4th, 1989.

I remember the day. What a day. Filled to the brim with stuff to do. We had the rehearsal, rehearsal lunch, wedding and wedding dinner all in one day. What were we thinking. But that is how the relationship went. We met, fell in love, dated to make sure and then were engaged and married all in the space of 8 months.

I miss you, my husband.

I cherish the memories I have of our wedding day and wedding night. And all the days afterwards. And all the nights that we shared.