Fifteen

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Today is month 15 since Jim died.

I was looking at photos and grabbed this one because of the look on Jim's face. It reminded me of me. Of how I feel now. The reasons are different, but it still struck me. This was taken the day we returned home from our florida vacation. We spent the week with friends at their timeshare. We were relaxed, but at the same time tired from too much sun, good food, good friends and the plane trip. I think Jim has the look of a guy that ate too much at dinner. Stuffed on good things and just absorbing them all.

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That's if I think about it. My first glance was "that's how I feel, tired, having fought the good fight and yet knowing that I will have to get up and fight some more." It was only after I looked at it and thought about why he looks so tired do I realize it is more the "relaxed, not wanting to go back to work" tired look. This is what I get for thinking too much.

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So, yes, I am still counting, and I realize now why I have been so grumpy this week. I have been pretty grumpy. I woke up at 2 am this morning (friday) and it came right into my head that it was the 29th. Later today I was playing some of his cd's. I am not a Beatles fan, believe it or not, but he was and I play them to think of him. This song played and it seemed to fit perfect. I also smile a whimsical smile as I read it. Jim also talked about the great John vs Paul songwriting debate. Who wrote what can be figured out by the song and if it rhymes and is an easy song or a deep social commentary song. I think this would be a Paul song, but I am not sure. It still sure fits my mood today.
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Here I stand head in hand
Turn my face to the wall
If she's gone I can't go on
Feelin' two-foot small
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Everywhere people stare
Each and every day
I can see them laugh at me
And I hear them say
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Hey you've got to hide your love away
Hey you've got to hide your love away
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How can I even try
I can never win
Hearing them, seeing them
In the state I'm in
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How could she say to me
Love will find a way
Gather round all you clowns
Let me hear you say
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Hey you've got to hide your love away
Hey you've got to hide your love away

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This blog post was written on friday the 29th, but because of site difficulties it was not able to be published then. For some reason the post The Queen was written just moments after before this one and was fine. Then the internet crapped out and this became a 'draft' that wouldn't go to the publish. Well, that is the way the internet goes. I tried it this morning and here is.

Iron Giant

I just finished watching one of my all time favorite animated movies. The Iron Giant. Done in 1999 by Warner Brothers. Great animation, great voices and most of all, a great story.


It makes me smile, chuckle, laugh and cry. I enjoy the sheer fun of finding a Giant and befriending it, teaching it about Earth and good and bad. Teaching the Giant to be a Superman and that he can be who he wants to be. It is a very special movie.

Of course, first on my list would have to be 101 Dalmatians and that might be because I own two of my own and have foster many of them before adoption. I will probably remember more movies that I like but as I think about them, but these two come to mind.

The Queen

I was thinking about grief today. I mean, I have always thought of myself as fairly empathic. Feeling the feeling of others. Feeling the sadness or joy or anger and being able to touch it and enfold it. I have always treasured that part of me.

The grief that is still with me is touched. I touch on it everyday and it bubbles up when I am feeling anothers pain - a simple thing as watching the movie The Queen and seeing the outpouring of love that the English had for Princess Di. Watching as they cried for her. I found myself crying with them. The movie had many clips from the real life time of her death so you could see the pain.

Movies have been allowing me to get involved in the story and to show my emotions by crying when there is loss on the screen. I find that I can get thru the day just fine and then worry that I am not crying and then just a few hours later watching something that touches me. Of course, not everyday, but some days.

I have leaned towards comedy, buddy movies and action or the like because I am not up for romance or mega drama. Netflix has been a help here. To be able to find the movies I didn't see last year and some of my favorite classics.

So tonight, watching The Queen, I am struck by what an interesting perspective. The Queen is actually grieving the death in her own way and is criticized for it. You don't really catch that she was grieving as she was denying she was until the end, but watching her see the flowers put out by the people, the actress makes that emotion come forward. The pain is there in her eyes.

Which then of course is why I was feeling it with her. It is great to find a movie that strong and can stir the emotions - grief or affection or anger or laughter.

What to do

I am not sure what to do. I am finding it so hard to write. It just still hurts when I write, when I view the photos and when I remember. It just hurts.

It is not a hurt that is constantly up front and vocal. Now it is sort of a subtle backround pain. There when I start thinking about Jim and how I miss him and what fun we had together and how I never wanted it to end and the smile he had that just made my heart melt. That is when the pain jumps forward. The pain that makes me wonder the why's all over again. The choked up feeling that has me stopping to put my head down and cry.

Oh Jim. I miss you.

I know I am not writing as much here. I just am not sure what to write anymore. Maybe with my Dad passing a break is needed.

Loss of a son

I learned about a friend whose son died from lukemia this weekend. Robbie was a vibrant and outgoing young man. He touched many lives and as such, all were touched in a positive manner. This was a boy that had just reached manhood and as such was reaching out to new things with his arms and heart wide open. He had learned from his father and mother good ethics and community involvement. He was not fearful of experiencing new things and leading others. He will be missed by many, just as we were enjoying the fun he was having in coming into his own, he is lost.

I grieve with the family in their loss.

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Crossing my mind more and more it seems, is the wisp of a need to hear Jim's voice. Just a passing desire. I see his face and feel the love in his eyes from the photos. His voice is gone. I hear it in my head but want to hear it in my ears. This is not the first time I have written about this yearning, it has just seemed to be a stronger pull lately.

It is funny how the mind works. I can be moving right along thru the day and then bam it hits. Or I can be moving thru the day and it doesn't hit till late at night, when I actually stop and think wow it hasn't hit all day. That's what happened yesterday.

T G I Friday

The blog writing has been pretty sparse the last couple weeks. Not for lack of thing running around in my head, but more the lack of motivation to get them out.

The ride home now is nice. I just jump in the car and I am home in about 4 minutes. The problem is that those four minutes are becoming totally tear ridden minutes. I can't explain it but I get in the car and here some ELO or some classical music and I am reminded of Jim and my Dad. I see a lady on a bike and am reminded of my Mom. The images pop up without any concern for where I am or what I am doing or if I have the stamina to handle them. Pop Pop Pop.

I am chanting the mantra I said about a year ago "i can handle this. i can handle this." and I do. I get thru the moment and move on to the next.

I realized today when I was doing this that I was shutting that damn door that I didn't want to shut. I want to remember. I want to feel. I want to even be in pain becuase of what has happened. To move forward though, I have to shut the door and only open it when I want to open it and not allow it to control me.

Can I control that room of grief. No, that stadium of grief. By going into a small room and then moving when I can, that helps. Opening the door and feeling the sound of the stadium grief coming at me, no, I can't.

In rereading this I feel a little confused even by what I have written, but I think if I reread it again in a few hours it may make sense.

A clip from my day - Watching the olympics on nbc this morning they showed a broadcaster that used to be an athlete and he was responding to usa winning the gold. He was cheering and waving his arms - as he sat behind the news table. He didn't know the camera was on him at the time. This made me cry with joy that we can be so proud of our country as to do this.

Another clip - listening to the ELO song again and as I hear it, I hear Jim singing it. I can close my eyes and see him in my mind. But I can't close my eyes because I am driving. I change the dvd from ELO to Garth Brooks. Jim didn't sing to Garth so I don't have that memory in my head.

A Hail of a Weekend!

What a busy weekend!

My neighbors and I decided to clean the back alley up. Living in the city the backyard opens up to an alley that runs behind houses on two streets. We got out there in the morning and starting cutting brush down and sweeping up trash. The problem we have in the city is the rats. You can sit in your yard at night and see them running up thru the alley. They like to hide in the vines and wild plants that grow over the fences and unchecked in to the alley. We went along and trimmed everything up to fence level and even cleaned a couple yards that were overgrown because they were empty. My body still has muscles that are achey from this.

Then later that day my niece called looking for crash space after a concert. I told her no problem and she was nice company saturday night/sunday morning. She didn't even mind the dogs licking her awake sunday. Hee hee.

Sunday was pool party at a friends and hailstorm day. I went to a pool party which was fun - good friends, good food and a pool to jump into. Coming home I got into my car and wham got hit with a rainstorm that just a few seconds later became a Hailstorm. I sat in my car waiting for the storm to pass. I sat listening to the hail drumming the car roof and building up on the windshield. It was very eerie. I took a couple pics with my cellphone. I will post them later today.

Then just as quickly as it started. It was over.

I drove home and just 15 minutes north of the storm there were no traces of rain or hail or anything. There was no rain on my street at all. There was a cut off point and the storm wouldn't go any further north then the county/city line. Haha.

Father / Daughter

Just another trip down memory lane. This first photo is of my family when we stayed at Canandaigua Lake in Central New York. We were there for the summer and it was great. We moved to a neighborhood town, also on a lake. I am the little blonde gal in the front with the red bikini. The second picture is my Dad walking me down the isle on my wedding day.

I was chatting with a good friend this weekend about my family and how the kids all turned out okay. No major problems like alcholism, gambling, drugs or sordid scandals. At least none that I know about. I think this is mostly because of how we were raised and also what a good head we have on our shoulders. All four of us kids.

Yes, my Dad grounded me and my Mom would scold me but there was also hugging and 'I am proud of you' when it was right. I think Jim's parents were a lot stricter or freer with the punishments, but you know, he turned out alright also. I also know from conversations with Jim that although he left home as soon as he could because of his father, he also came back years later when he was needed to care for his Dad in his last years. That was important.

So, Thanks Mom! and Thanks Dad!

One more picture - Me in my mid twenties. I don't know who the cats are. They weren't mine. I just remember loving those boots!

Family gatherings from Jim's side

I am not feeling much like writing this week, however I have found a whole box of photos. They were in a corner of the basement I have not looked at in a bit. I had a fun night sorting them out into piles with my family, Jim's family and some of both of us. I am going to post the ones I found of Jim and his family. The first one is one of the few we have of Jim as a youngster. I posted one other one way earlier in this blog. The others are of various family gatherings.

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Here is a favorite. It's Jim age - at 3? or 4? or 5? He had a great expression even then.

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Jim's oldest brother, his Dad and his Mom. .

The siblings and Mom. Jim's head is sticking in there between Mom and his sister.

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The men of the family. Jim is on the right and his son is on the far right.

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I had forgotten about this photo. I am glad I found it.
It was taken at the first christmas that Jim and I had together in 1989.

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Jim, his mom and his oldest brother. Thanksgiving 1993.

I am going to be posting more pictures, but I don't have any more of his family. At least that I have found yet. It is very healing for me to be able to look at photos and think back to that time. It is a special code that sometimes only you know the way to solve it. To look at the backround and know where the photo was, who was there, what time of year or even what year, just by looking at the details. Yes, the sadness of a time gone past is there. A wonder of why more times were not to be. But a small smile inside that at least there were these times.

Together.

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Jim and I on his birthday. We were married 11 months and 21 days.

Found in a box

My sister found a few photos of my Dad and I. Dated Jan 1988 they were before I met Jim, heck, they were before I met the boyfriend before Jim. What a rose colored glasses kind of time. The first one is my Dad in the den. Second one is me on the frozen pond.

And then threre is Me and Dad.