A Night in the Forest

2012 starts!

2012-01-06T08:54:00.004-05:00

I missed the whole month of December. Whooosh. It went on by.

There wasn't much to talk about anyway. I really dislike the holidays. They remind me of how out of touch my siblings and I are. I refuse to whine and moan about it anymore. I have tortured others with my tales of woe. I am going to move on to something like a new year and hopefully force myself into a different path of thinking.

I am swimming laps and enjoying it and saw that I have lost some weight. I am very happy about that. It makes the effort worthwhile. Not the effort of the swimming, but the effort to get there, change, and then after swimming the showering and changing to go back out and drive home. The good is outweighing the bad so it's okay.

I cleaned the laundry room/pantry out and found that I must be stocking up for the end of the world on Dec. 12th. Way too many cans of soup, spaghetti sauce, veggies and pineapple slices. No Spam. Must buy some Spam.

With the help of others I rearranged the bedroom and cleared some old furniture out. I also went thru the books. I got rid of a lot of ones that I had read and weren't worth keeping. By getting rid of, I mean, donated to a local bookstore where the books are free. You drop them off, you pick some up. Looking at organized shelves for the first time in years is nice. Nice enough to try and keep them that way. So, two rooms down, three to go.

Contemplation on me

2011-11-21T15:57:00.002-05:00

I was driving into work this morning and thinking about the next few days. I have a lot to get done before going to visit my Aunt, Uncle and cousins for the holiday, and yet I was very settled and okay. I thought about this and decided it is because I have taken charge of my life in a new way. I had been coasting and going day to day. Trying hard to be ready for the next crisis and never really making it. Today I finally felt like I had made it. Not sure what that means, but I felt like I was in control of things, instead of things being in control of me.

Most likely this will change by next week, but hey, it was a nice feeling for today.

A three hour tour....

2011-11-16T21:40:00.002-05:00

Not a 3 hour tour, but rather a 3 hour dinner. Just came back from this and am very full with tasty Indian food.

I took my friend and neighbor out for her birthday dinner. She is vegaterian and loves Indian food so we went to a local spot. And then ate and talked. And talked and talked and talked some more. The server finally just gave us the check and said "stay as long as you like". We got in the car and I saw that it was 9 pm. Wow. We had gotten there at 6 pm.

The talk was good, I think both of us were purging about stuff that had happened in the last month or so. She had started dating on OKcupid and was telling me some stories about that and I was talking about jobs and what I want to be when I grew up and it was fun. We jumped from trips to the north to go skiing to her upcoming trip to Delhi for christmas to her getting the roof replaced and me getting my ducts in the house cleaned to our dogs, our cats, our sex life or lack there of to how cute the server guy was and whether she may work in MD or DC next spring to what to pain the kitchen.

Yep. Fun and much needed. I am full of good food and relaxed. Friends are good for the soul.

Still missing you

2011-11-13T16:30:00.001-05:00

I’m still missing you
Still missing you

I turn to ask a question or listen for an objection
and I only hear the the emptiness of where you used to be

I’m still missing you

There seems to be no hope for me
No dreams left to achieve
No, not depressed, not angry, just feeling left behind.

Some days I smile and laugh and wonder where you are.
Some days I go thru the motions and work towards something that’s too far.

I see you in the house, a ghost of what was here. I love to see your face and know that you are near.
I can always find you, if only in my thoughts.

I am slowly emptying out the house but it’s hard to keep up the pace. I stop and look at the shirts you wore or the movies you used to watch. I don’t want to let them go just yet, but I know some times I must.

To take this home and make it mine and make that step forward, I try and try and hope you don’t mind and think you would be okay. This house was yours. You told me about that corner you had to stand it when you were bad and the games played in the kitchen.

I know what I need to do, but doing it is another story.

We gathered a lot of things in our life together. Books and toys and stuff. Boxes and boxes to go thru and decide which memories to keep.

I lay in bed last night and dreamed of dreaming of you. I thought about the last time I cried and know it has been awhile. This make me sad but also makes me think the time has formed that scar. It once was an open wound on my heart and at some point became a scab. The emptiness is still there but the world has grown past it.

I touch my heart and think of you and still wonder why you had to go.

I'm still missing you.

-----------------

written at 1ish in the morning on sunday 11/13 after waking from a dream and thinking of Jim.

Fears of Zero

2011-11-11T00:46:00.002-05:00

A bit late for Halloween, but think of this as alternative to The Raven.

---------------
Late.
Late at night.
When the world sleeps.
And I am here alone.
And here I come some nights to confront my fears.
They're here...my fears.
They are always with me.
Lurking, scurrying, hiding, and waiting.
They come!
And they go.
Though they are gone they are never far
and here alone at night I can confront them.
There they are...confronted fears!
Fears of hunger, fears of pain, fears of missing the last train.
Fears of dentists always drilling, fears that no one will be willing...
to see me as I know I really am.
Once they are counted and compelled...they can quickly be dispelled...
Like figments of my own imagination.

But always, there are other fears.
Fears of snakes, fears of cats,
fears of maītre d's and rats.
An irrational black terror...
that someday I may get fat.
Fear of elevators falling, and the taxman someday calling
And the accidental walling of myself up inside a clammy, dank, old, dingy cellar where the spiders weave around my tummy
And the worms, and bugs and crawly things squirm and squiggle at my person. (Oh, I love it!)
Once they are counted and compelled, they can quickly be dispelled...

But then there are other fears.
Fears of bullets, there's a dread.
Fear of baldness on the head.
Fear of waking up one morning, to discover that you are dead.
Once they are counted and compelled, they can quickly be dispelled...
Like figments of my own imagination.

Then there is the last fear.
Just about the time I'm past fear.
The one that really is final.
It will come.
Yours...and mine'll.
In the darkest of the night
it will come without a fight.
It will count me and compel me.
It will casually dispel me.
For I am just a figment of its own imagination.

-----

Fears of Zero
Written by Jerry Juhl
Preformed by Zero Mostel on The Muppet Show

This was first shared with me by a friend who did a calm, slow reading of the work. Then I went to youtube and learned just how Muppets change everthing!

Ouch! My poor head!

2011-11-08T14:50:00.002-05:00

I did it again yesterday. Smacked the top of my head on something hard enough to scrape skin and hair and make it bleed. I didn't even notice the bleeding part, that was pointed out to me by a friend.

I was working in my basement which is about 5 feet high and has all kinds of ducts and pipes and such running through it. I bent down, stood back up and bam, that did it. A nice 2 inch scrape on the top of my head.

That's okay, it is not alone up there. 2 years ago I slipped in the rain and fell off my front steps and went head first into the concrete sidewalk. Big ouch. I think I may have even blacked out for a moment and when I reached up to feel my scalp, I came away with a bit of skin and hair and blood. Ick.

I think this started back when I was about ten. I had long blondish red hair and was playing in the yard with my brothers. I got up on the tire swing and stood up on the top of it. Then suddenly in the swirling around, my hair got caught in the rope and a piece got yanked out so fast I didn't have a chance to yell. I yelled a lot afterwards that's for sure.

There have been other times I have scraped or scratched or cracked my head and the top of my head bears the scars. I am glad I heal fast.

Brother from anotha' mother

2011-11-06T19:31:00.007-05:00

Some extraordinary friends. Don't think of them as friends but as cousins. I have spent more real life time with them than my real blood cousins. Their parents and my parents were good friends and we were always at one or the other of each others houses for a holiday or summer fun. For 50 years I have been looking to my dad's friend and saying "Uncle Ed". It has been amazing to know them. We all grew up together playing in the backyard, in the pool, at the beach and sharing holidays. There were four of them and four of us and we all sort of match in ages also. Like our parents were pregnant sort of within a few months of each other. It is pretty cool.

We were not alone in this pairing either, there is a third family that was part of the gang and was friends with our parents. There are only three kids in their family, but again they were matching within a few months of us. It is sort of eerie but it makes it fun too. The three families have a yearly reunion that is always a blast and the bond is still there.

The families came together in New Jersey and lived in an apartment complex for a few years. Then when the apartments were outgrown we moved on to our own houses and backyards. Backyards with lots of cook outs and kids run hither and yon and babies on blankets gazing up at dad with the camera. I have home movies to prove this, but haven't gotten them on youtube yet.

Somewhere when I hit 4 or so the families moved onward again and further apart. We still were in touch, but not quite like it used to be. Except for Uncle Ed and his family, we saw them at various times of the year. Went to graduations, weddings and funerals thru the years. Some fun stories about things that happened when you had too much to drink at a wedding. Oh boy!

There was a time as we grew older that we got involved in spouses and in laws and such, didn't see them as much. Still there was always a kick ass Halloween party that my one cousin would host and Jim and I tried to make it to that at least every other year or so. Jim and I enjoyed hanging with my cousins and connecting in a different way then I did to my own siblings.

I enjoy the laughter that is found when spending time together. Laughter as we play cards, or pictionary or just sharing a meal. It is a sound that I miss when I am alone in my house and am glad to hear again. There is always the fun of remembering our lives and the events that we shared through the many years. In a big family there is always a variety of things that never seem to be forgotten. These are treasured.

When I lost Jim, then my Dad they opened up even more with invitations to visit and be part of their family holidays or just for a place to get away from the confines of the house and the city. Much as my brother in Ohio has done. It makes me feel good to know that there is a place I can go, even in the darkest of times and find family.

The photo at the top is me, and my older brother (far right) with my cousins. The one below was taken on my cousin's 50th birthday.

Happy Anniversary

2011-11-04T00:04:00.005-04:00

We were married November 4th, 1989.

I remember the day. What a day. Filled to the brim with stuff to do. We had the rehearsal, rehearsal lunch, wedding and wedding dinner all in one day. What were we thinking. But that is how the relationship went. We met, fell in love, dated to make sure and then were engaged and married all in the space of 8 months.

I miss you, my husband.

I cherish the memories I have of our wedding day and wedding night. And all the days afterwards. And all the nights that we shared.

The end of the world as we know it....

2011-10-19T15:49:00.006-04:00

Wait...

Me?

Swimming? Biking? Exercising? for real?

Crazy! It's the end of the world as we know it!! Chaos in the streets!

It started from a simple conversation that I didn't know was going to lead to a 6 months gift membership at the YMCA. I am swimming twice a week and it is great. The pool is quiet - only a few people there - and I can do the laps at my speed. Slow!

My Aunt and Uncle and cousins gave me the 6 month membership as a birthday present. They did it very nonchalantly "where is the local Y?" My uncle worked for YMCA for many years so I wasn't really thinking about me when I answered, but rather about him.

I love to swim and have been swimming since I was a kid (back in Skaneateles Lake, remember?) and have not been able to afford a membership. I would join, swim a couple months then have to stop. This is great. I am going 2x a week consistently and sometimes I squeeze in a visit on the weekend. I have muscles that are pretty darn sore, but are getting better as I add laps.

Now biking? that's nuts! but a friend got a used bike fixed up for me, again, as a birthday present. Okay guys I get the hint!!! So anyway, I took a trial run on it. Oh my. Yep the expression goes you never forget, but my memory needed to be jogged into place.

I haven't done this as much as the swimming, but am not quite believing that it is me doing either one of these.

Swimming after dark

2011-09-23T01:06:00.004-04:00

Swimming in Skaneateles lake at midnight!

My brother, niece and cousins. All jumped into the lake just after midnight. Wheee!

The water was cold...for a minute, then it was okay. It was great just to do this with family and in such a just pick up and do it kind of way. Of course, they were all toasted - beer, beer and more beer and I wasn't (I am a water drinker), but it was still a blast!

Before the end of my childhood

2011-09-21T11:29:00.002-04:00

I am vacationing this week in a small village called Skaneateles. It is located on the end of a Finger Lake in Central NY. I grew up here. It was the time when I was still innocent and all was right with the world. My family lived here for almost ten years (though it seems like a lot longer in my mind). I was 4 when we moved here and 14 when we moved out. I think of this as where I grew up. My home town.

There is the feeling when I saw the lake for the first time at the 'overlook'. It is at the south end of the lake and you get just a glimpse of the water nestled in the hills. The feeling in my heart and head. The feeling of home. It made me drive all the faster to get to get there. To race up the lake side road and into the town.

Skaneateles is a very quiet town. One Main Street with the shops, library and post office. And the park. The lake front park where you could go swimming in the summer and ice skating in the winter. The lake is one of the purest in the country and it is drinkable unfiltered and supplies several towns and the city of Syracuse with clean fresh water.

I write this from the porch of the home I am staying at this week. Paul's Cabin. It is on the east side of the lake and it is on the edge of a cliff that drops into the lake. It is magnificent and a wonderful treat. There is no TV. No cellphone service. I can get wifi so I can use my netbook, and there is a great classical music station so I am happy. My brother and family rented it for a week and they will be joining me tomorrow. They rent it out as a vacation home. I have had three gloriously quiet and contemplative days. I woke the other morning and opened the door onto the porch. It seemed odd. There was the sound of wind rushing thru the trees and some odd noise. Oh. Birds. Birds chirping. Living in the city for so long, I had sort of forgotten that early morning sound.

See, I turn 50 tomorrow. The 22nd. It has been nagging at me for the last two years. I have stopped telling people I am 38 (which I have been told I look) and telling them I am 50. This must mean something in the timeline of life. Or in my brain that is keeping track of this stuff.

When we lived in town, it was in a nice middle class neighborhood. There also the families that lived "on the lake" on east lake or west lake road. Those were the upper class of Skaneateles. The homes with lake front property and docks for boats and such. I look at these houses now, after 30 years and am still in awe of them. Beautiful white columns, boathouses and criscraft classics in the water.

I found our old house and gazed at the changes. They cut down the tree! The huge tall pine that graced our front lawn. Branches on it didn't start until half high as our second floor. I would stand near the trunk and look up and try to see who was living there. There had to be someone up there! I recall the winters we would have here. Winters that make the stuff I see now look like a snow dusting. Winters where schools didn't close because it snowed, we just trudged on thru it. The snow would usually get to be about 4 or 5 feet high. My dad and older brother would just shovel and shovel. The snow yielded to fantastic snow igloos and winter caves dug out around the front of the house. In our snowpants and boots and caps and gloves we would play in the white snow.

The new owners (only lived there for 15 years now) added an addition to a small kitchen and reconfigured the back of the house. Other gaps - the peach tree in the backyard is gone. As such the tire swing that was attached to it. The tree was where we would set up our tents in the summer and my brothers and I would sleep out in the yard. Far enough away to be "out" and yet, close enough to the house to be able to run tumbling in when it got too scary outside.

It was fun to drive up and down the street. I think that remembering the names of my childhood friends was like opening a box that had been locked and shoved in a basement corner. I remember Mary Pat who lived across the street from us. I look at their house and the rush of memories hits. Playing Wild Wild West with her. She was always James West and I was Artemus Gordon. She was braver than I was at jumping, climbing or running, but I was better at imagining something to be something else that would work to get us away from the bad guys. Making a stick into a gun, or a bomb, or a well, whatever..and once I told her what it was...in both our minds...it WAS that. I have always loved to think outside the box and now in reflection, maybe it started way back then.

Up and down familiar but vaguely forgotten streets. With large trees and quiet almost non existant traffic once off of main st. I checked off various houses I recognized but matching them with who I last remembered living there. The families that lived on my street and had kids that we grew up with. The best was on the one up on the hill. It was a large easygoing house at the top of our hill that had a family living in it that we were friends with. My mom and their mom were friends and us kids were all sort of the same age. That was the house that was just fun to be in. It's my dream/fantasy house. I would love to buy it from whomever is there now. It was like a magic house. There was the guinea pig room, the dance studio (a large room with hardwood floors and mirrors and an echoinglyy tall ceiling. I could imagine parties being held there with a band and men and woman dancing in the slow waltz or maybe the charleston. There is a book out called "The Catch Trap". They have a large house in that book that I imagine to be like this house.

I kept waiting for the police to nab me for stalking or such.

There are lost of snapshots in my head of my time growing up here. Walking the three blocks to the library on saturdays. It was there that I was able to find books. I loved to read, thanks to my parents who also loved to read and read to us at night. The library though, well, that was a special place. They had a section that was all for kids books. The Black Stallion and the whole series of books by Walter Farley about horses. I read every one of them. Many young adult science fiction that I was reading before I was a young adult. I discovered Heinlein there. And The Big Brain, Harriet the Spy, Mrs. Piggly Wiggly and many others. Some of these books I have found again and have my shelves to pass on to nieces and nephews and such. But it started at the Skaneateles Library.

Another snapshot is running through our backyard and the empty lot behind our house to go over to Austin Park. The empty lot behind the house now has a house in it. Sheesh. Austin park is an ice skating rink that was built in the early 70's for the kids in Skaneateles. Before this we would just skate on the lake. My older brother played hockey on the lake and it was just the town thing to do. Austin Park made hockey and figure skating a lot safer. We have a couple hours of home movies of my two brothers playing hockey. Older brother was mid teen's and younger was 6 or so. Quite a difference in playing style. Hockey to us is like football to texans.

I went by the Presbyterian Church. That was the family church and where I got my religous education. Sunday School. Both my parents were sunday school teachers at various times. One year it was the year my grade (whatever that was) got to put on the christmas pagent. I was chosen to be Mary. I distinctly remember one girl sneering at me (i didn't know it was sneering back then) about how I only got picked because my mom was the teacher. I think my mom made her a shepard or such. I am going to try and go to service on sunday morning. Not sure if any of my siblings will go, but we will see.

I know I have been writing a lot but the flood gates have opened.

There is a comforting warm happy feeling here as I sit here on the deck listening to the classical music that my father taught me to love, (thank you dad) and look over and across the lake. Now, over the years, I have been to other lakes in other states, since this one, seen them, swam in them and such, but none feel the way this one does.

I was standing in the public park in the village and knelt down to feel the stone that is the walkway at the edge of the park and meets the water and hearing the water/waves hit the stone wall and remembering that sound. I remembered that sound from 35 years ago. It calmed me. It was great.

My father always told me "don't grow up". I was Peter Pan and wanted to be a kid forever. There has been a lot that has happened in the last few years. But the kid in me is still there. It remembers.

10 years. I still cry.

2011-09-11T07:12:00.002-04:00

Labor Day - Summer is over

2011-09-05T00:17:00.002-04:00

I went to the annual Labor Picnic today. It is always held at my stepmom's (and late father's) home. They have a large farm with half of it devoted to a park like area filled with ten picnic tables, a large grill, horseshoe set up, a spring fed pond and lots of other stuff. It's a bring your own food and she supplies the place and the beer.

Not the same going by myself.

I was thinking on the drive home about how Labor Day used to mean it was time to put the sandals and white pants and shorts away. Yet just yesterday I bought a pair of capri's. They weren't white, but I had been looking for them all summer and couldn't find the right kind. These were even on sale!

Things are a little more flexible in the fashion forward world. I bet I could wear white pants on Tuesday and no one would even blink.

IRENE!!!

2011-09-01T00:34:00.000-04:00

First a tornado, then an earthquake and now Hurricane Irene!

All within seven days of each other.

The tornado hit on Sunday, then the earthquake on wednesday and Irene came on Saturday night.

I have never been through an earthquake before. When it hit, it felt like the subway was rushing under my floor. The floor shook, things fell off of shelves and there was a rumble like thunder.

Irene was a hurricane that hit the east coast. There was a lot of advanced warning and as such we were ready. Toilet paper, bread, etc...the shelves at grocery stores were bare. Irene was brutal to the coastal cities and dropped a lot of rain and wind on us. Trees were uprooted and homes, cars and power lines were damaged. My house decided that was the time to let me know about the leak in the roof. I noticed my office ceiling was dripping and was able to handle it before it became too big a mess. I had to have someone come out and reseal around my chimney. I am lucky in that my cousin is a roofer and he was able to do it a few days later. That was a big help!

Lots of people were without power for days. We had power companies from other parts of the country come in to help out. I saw a convoy of trucks from Indiana moving through the city. I know there were more. Our neighborhood hung out together and many of us were sharing flashlights and food if it was needed. I enjoy living in a neighborhood where we all know each other and are comfortable talking with our friends/neighbors. It is important in times like hurricanes and earthquakes.

August 29

2011-08-29T00:25:00.000-04:00

August 29, 2011

4 years and 3 months.

I learned of a second cousin who lost her husband of 22 years on May 22nd 2007. Just seven days before Jim died. We met at a family gathering and somehow the subject of our dogs came up and it circled around to us both being widows. I didn't know about it. We are, obviously, not close and only see each other a couple times a year. I would have thought that someone would have told me though. Well, maybe someone did and it just didn't connect.

We sat down and talked about all the things that had changed in our lives and how we handled things afterwards. I went to a grief counseling group a few months after Jim's death, but this is the first time in long time I spoke with another widow. It felt good to know that things I felt were things she felt also. It was kind of eerie to be doing this while we ate grilled chicke and had beers, but we were able to touch on several issues that had occured and the discussion will continue on another day.

I also learned that she had a good friend who lived across and down the street from me two years ago.

Life is an interesting circle.

Flood!

2011-08-12T10:30:00.003-04:00

Almost made it through the month of June as planned. Almost.

The plan was, after all the things I have done to the house, big and small projects - to have a month of do nothing.

Well, the water heater broke open and flooded the basement on June 29th. I came home from work and heard a 'whooshing' noise and opened the basement door to see water all over. I was able to turn the main line off and with a friends help we used the shop vac to suck most of it up. We filled the 20 gallon shop vac up twice and then set up fans to dry the moisture up.

The plumber came and looked at it in the morning and had a new one in that afternoon. He is a good guy and has worked on the house before.

The project I had planned for August just got done a little sooner. I was going to clean out the basement of clutter around the floor and then start going thru some of the boxes down there and reorganizing the place. Many of the 'boxes' are actually rubbermaid containers and nothing was damaged in the flood.

My neighbor offered to haul anything I had out to the dump and I took him up on his kind offer. Cleaned up alot of stuff that had been lying around waiting to get taken upstairs and trashed. Yay!!

Next week I start going thru each box. Last time I did this was about 2 years ago and I got thru about a third of the boxes. For each box I went thru I did only save about 10% of what was in there. I was very good at tossing stuff or donating clothes and such. Proud of that anyway.

It is tough to look at things that have been around you in some way for 20 or 30 or even 40 years. Some have not been out of boxes since I moved into the house because we don't have the room in this home that we had in our ones in the past. I need to let go of stuff that has been in boxes for years. It's time. I don't want you to think I am in the hoarding stage, it is all together and on shelves down there and the floors are clear. I watch those shows and cringe big time. Not for me.

I plan a couple Saturdays in August to spend a couple hours. I figure little steps and not wear myself out will get the job done. Wondering what appliance is next to go and won't be surprised if it is my 16 year old fridge.

That place between sleeping and awake....

2011-07-27T09:49:00.002-04:00

You know that place between sleeping and awake, that place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always think of you." — J.M. Barrie

I stumbled on this quote on a friends Facebook posting yesterday. It struck me as a perfect description of what I have felt these past four years. That place where I have put Jim in a memory that is better than a memory because it is interactive. I can talk to him, touch him and feel his arms around me. I have woken to the sound of his voice, because I heard it in my dream.

Peter Pan is special to me because I think my first ever crush was at age 3 while watching Mary Martin fly across the stage. My father told me for years afterward that night I put my hands on the tv and then clapped to try and save Tink. I have a book I "wrote" with scribbles then a pic of Croc and Hook then more scribbles and a drawing of Tink and Peter. Nice stick figures and lots of scribbles but my Dad saved it. He told me in later years that he was glad that I maintained my childhood innoncence and "never grew up" like my siblings did. Jim told me once after talking with Dad that he found that part of me very special.

I am glad we mortals dream and glad that I can find that neverland space where Jim is.

Canvas on Demand for the Win!

2011-07-26T16:09:00.007-04:00

Groupon (or maybe LivingSocial) had a great deal a few months ago. A 16x20" stretched canvas print with a photo printed on it. It seemed like just what I wanted for a Jim pic. The company was Canvas on Demand and they did a great job. In fact, the first jpg I sent in they told me it was too small and asked me for a new one. They were wonderful in the customer service department. Visit their site!

It took me 5 months to get off my butt and find the "right one". I wanted something that really showed Jim at his most, well, comfortable. To me that meant, him happy, in comfortable clothes and having fun!

This is a picture of the print on canvas on my wall at work. I can see his smile and remember that day.

Faithful readers you will have to suffer thru this. I may even have posted this pic and talked about that day somewhere else on this blog. Oh well. Too bad.

I look at the smile on his face and remember when this happened. We were going skiing with friends in New Hampshire. I had not skied since I was a teen and I decided to take a big book and hunker down in the lodge with some hot toddies or mudslides or something like that. Jim wanted to ski. He was very excited about it.

He is so, well, Jim in this pic. It makes me both smile and cry at the same time. He has on this bright yellow jacket. Under that is a faux sheepskin pullover and his "neck warmer".

The neck warmer makes me laugh because he bought this that winter and they were not a scarf but like the top of a turtleneck that you pulled over your head and it kept the area from chin to collarbone warm. He thought these were just the neatest things and also bought one for me. Um, yeah. I could have lived without one, but he got a kick from it so I wore it. The ski goggles pushed up on his head and the grin are priceless.

Jim was an all or nothing kind of guy and he was excited about this trip and exploring a part of the snow culture that we hadn't visited before. I think he wanted to meet some snow bunnies!

These little points in the pic are just so much a part of him and just want I don't want to forget. He loved the sheepskin pullover and when it got a bit worn, he pulled the sleeves off and it became part of a Frankenstein costume for him one Halloween. The part you can't see is even better. He is wearing camo pants. He showed up in them to ski in and my friend cocked an eyebrow and wondered about it. But he was 100% comfortable in them and it worked for him. Go Jim!

Here is a shot of us both when we got to our friends house.

Anyway, I am going back to Canvas on Demand to have a pic of my Mom done up like this. They made the whole experience a pleasure. Check them out.

http://www.canvasondemand.com

Alas, another friend is gone

2011-06-24T09:16:00.002-04:00

It has taken me a few days to be able to write this up. I am very sad to say my dog Tigger died on Tuesday morning.

She had been sick for about six months and in March she was diagnosed with an enlarged heart and had fluid in her lungs. She never really got better. The fluid and coughing came and went. It began about a week ago and then seemed to get much better and then it hit hard on Sunday. I gave her medication but on Monday morning there was pink spots all over the floor that she had coughed up. We went to the vet and they did xrays and she said it was heavy fluid in the lungs. And actually, I had to go to work, but my wonderful friend and neighbor took her to vets. Carrying her in so she didn't have to walk.

They put her on an IV with meds and said she would stay overnight. On Tuesday morning I saw her and she couldn't walk and breathe at the same time. I held her and she snuffled her head into my chest. I cried because I knew she was doing this to get my scent. She had been in this strange place with strange stuff going on and I wasn't around. I held like that for awhile and knew I had to make that decision that no one wants to make.

The vet said that she could stay another night and maybe be able to go home, but the problem would be back in a couple weeks or a month. I decided to end the pain she was in and not keep her in pain for my selfishness of wanting her around.

It has been 5 years now with a loved one dying each year during the summer months. Jim in May 2007, my Dad in July 2008, Mercury in August 2009, Figaro in August 2010 and now Tigger in June 2011.

All my pets were old - Mercury was 10, Figaro our cat was 19 and Tigger was 13 1/2.

I am glad that I was able to give them happier lives then they had before Jim and I. All three were rescues, and all with different rescue stories.

It is very quiet in the house now. And I did that thing that happens when you lose someone. It takes a while to register. At 11pm, after sitting on the couch watching tv for a bit, my unconscious mind last night asked Tigger if she was ready to go out for a walk. I stopped and shook my head. We always went for late night walks.

I will hold the memory of one we went on just a couple weeks ago. After days and days of heat and humidity, it suddenly cooled down for a couple days. We went out for our midnight walk and there was a bright moon in the sky and I lay down in the park grass and she lay down beside me and escaped the city life for a moment and pretended we were back in our large yard all those years ago when we first got her.

Rest in Peace Tigger my friend.

Helping others by what you have gone through

2011-06-02T16:02:00.003-04:00

I was sent back down memory lane last night at the grocery store. I was cruising the cereal aisle and saw this woman standing there and crying. I looked around and didn't see any small kids or any real reason and then I saw her clutching the box of Cheerios. I knew. I went over to her and asked if I could give her a hug. Not "what was wrong" but just "hi, can I give you a hug" and she look startled and I opened my arms and gave her a hug. She cried some more and I patted her on the back.

She told me what I had suspected. The Cheerios were her son's favorite breakfast food and he was killed three weeks ago. She said she was okay at the store till she hit this aisle and knew she would never buy them for him again. Her son was in the military and killed overseas.

I told her about my experience with the ice cream aisle and my husband's passing. How I stood there with my head leaning against the cold glass and crying because I knew I could never eat this certain kind again without thinking of Jim. And how all I wanted to do was eat it with him.

She told me thank you and gave me a hug back. We went out seperate ways and I never did learn her name or her mine. But, for one moment, I was able to give her a little comfort and understanding in the walk thru the grief process.

The new Patio

2011-05-31T14:10:00.006-04:00

I have this pretty small yard. It is about 13 x 16 feet. A sidewalk runs along the right side of it and the yard is elevated from that.

Concrete up against the house, then some dirt, then more concrete. It's an odd patchwork. I think the concrete further away from the house was put there by Jim's dad when they had hunting dogs. Now it is just a concrete flat area.

The dirt/grass area used to have huge bushes that took up the whole area. When we moved in, Jim tore them all out and laid down fresh dirt and turf. For a couple months we had a really swell plot of grass.

I remember one night after he just did that we were out back and we lay down in the grass to feel the fresh sprouts and we looked up in the sky and saw the stars. I can still remember the feeling of the grass thru my fingertips.

That all died out and it has been a fight with weeds and grass and other stuff until finally I decided enough was enough. I was going to put in pavers and make it into a patio area.

I started digging the dirt up and didn't know quite what to do with it. My neighbors helped. They took buckets and buckets for their gardens. Then came the stone, sand and setting the pavers in. Two friends came over to help me out with this project and it was a project. A shout out to them for helping...I couldn't have done it without them. We started at 7am and ended at 8pm. There was a short break in the hot afternoon, but it was pretty solid work.

It is done, but I am still doing some cleaning and decluttering of things that are in the yard, so it is not "finished". I was able to cook some hot dogs out there yesterday though. I want to clean it up and add a couple movable garden pots to spice it up with some color. It will be nice with some lights and such. I am enjoying the spot.

May 29 2011

2011-05-30T20:17:00.003-04:00

I had the whole weekend planned out and it seemed to work.

Sunday May 29th. Four years since we lost Jim. Four years.

I spent saturday with some friends at our local cinema club annual cookout. I hadn't gone in awhile but decided to go and be around friends. No one really remembered which made me sad, but instead, I remembered how much Jim always enjoyed going to the meetings and hanging out with our friends.

Most of sunday the 29th was spent in bed reading, napping, playing with the new kitty and watching tv on the couch with the dog. I can't believe I slept as much as I did, but my body must have needed it. I was a bit sad and very lonely and feeling lost in my own house.

Today was hot. I don't do well with heat and I get exhausted very quickly. When I say hot, I am talking 96 degrees. Nope. I didn't go out until about 7pm and then got so sweaty it wasn't even funny. Today was more a clean up around the house and relax some more. I was relaxing in a different way.

Widows have been calling the anniversary of a death, a demarc day. I think I was stressed this week before Jim's demarc day and now that it is past, I am feeling a bit better. At least not so stressed.

I received a nice note from a friend telling me that he was remembering Jim but couldn't remember the exact date and he was sorry for that. He talked about how he had a keen way of making folks laugh. I like that. He did have a way of making people laugh and a sense of humor that was quite unique.

Jim I am not looking forward to starting year four without you. I have tried these long years and longer nights to keep going, to make new dreams and to see life in a way that would allow me to know you are with me, even though you are gone. Strength is really tough sometimes and this roller coaster ride that is called life throws loops and turns and makes me scream and laugh and it was a lot more fun when you were in the seat beside me. You know how I hate those rides.

Digging, digging and finding

2011-05-13T08:43:00.000-04:00

Last week I started a project I had been planning for several months. Digging up my yard and putting in a patio.

For months I have been measuring, reviewing, reading how to articles and researching prices at retail stores, concrete/stone sellers and online.

I have a space that is about 8' x 9'. It is bordered on three sides by concrete. I decided that I didn't want to fight weeds and grass cutting anymore. I would put some pavers down and make it into a backyard patio.

I talked to several relatives that thought it was a great idea and several contractors, all of them asked "why not just concrete it also". Well, because that is not the look I am looking for. I may even stain the back area of concrete to match the pavers. I laughed when my neighbor Rebecca came to help me a couple days ago. I was explaining it to her and she said "oh, they are just saying that because they are men(and they were!) she said that women want something pretty - not something like a parking lot.

That's it exactly.

Mother Nature is not helping much. I thought I could get it done this week but it looks like the thunderstorms will keep me from it.

Pictures to follow!

Mom

2011-05-08T06:55:00.003-04:00

10 years ago I lost my Mom. It was on May 8th. It wasn't Mother's Day, but today, May 8th the 10 years after she died it is.

I miss my Mom. I talk to her sometimes and hope that she is still guiding me as she did so well. She was a good Mom and I didn't appreciate her half as much as I should have.

She was a stay at home mom (as they are called today). She had four children and all were four years apart. There is a fifth that was still born. A brother that was never named and I am not even sure when he was born. I need to ask my sister about that.

My mom was great with us as kids and should have been a teacher. Instead she just taught us. Arts and crafts, cooking, sewing, gardening, the joy of reading and how to be strong. That was most important. She was a stay at home mom but she was not a woman that let my dad make all the calls. That is another thing she taught me. To stand equal with my husband, to communicate and to live and love together.

She didn't work at a job - but she was involved in many groups and events in our community. The Garden Club, the after school program, the swim club, the women's club at church, Sunday school and others. I remember her as a strong leader in all of those groups and she was a role model for us children when we went out into the world. I didn't join the garden club, but when I worked I worked well and my employers saw that. I quickly became a manager and the person in charge. I attribute that to my mom as role model.

Mom was very creative. She helped us kids with school projects but then she got into it herself. For Halloween she loved to dress up. I remember one year she had our front porch done up and she was dressed like a witch. She opened the door to this very small girl (maybe 4?)in angel wings and didn't even say anything. The girl took one look at mom and screamed (that high pitch that only little girls can reach) and ran back down the stairs to her parents.

One Halloween when my brother was in kindergarten my mom built the Great pumpkin. She used chicken wire and paper mache' and had it on our front porch. My brother's kindergarten class walked down the street to see it. The teacher loved it and brought other classes down. We lived in a small town and school was just two blocks up the hill. Oh, and yes, we walked there up the hill in the snow.

As mothers do, mom used to tell us "listen to me, I know what I am talking about and I don't want you to make the mistakes I did". When I went thru my twenties, I laughed at that and went on doing what I thought was right and making mistakes. When I was 28, I had an ephiany and called her. I said "Mom, you were right. I should have listened to you." She loved that and told it was okay, I could start listening now.

Mom was a good cook but for some reason it is not her good cooking it is remembered but my dad's cooking and my mom's bad cooking. I don't like that. At family gatherings now people talk about how mom burned this and burned that while my dad cooked a leg of lamb to perfection. Well, I speak up and tell them I remember the awesome turkey my mom would cook on Thanksgiving and her meatball recipe that is perfect and I use today. She had German and Pennsylvanian Dutch cooking from her grandmother. Good food. I remember my mom using the crockpot a lot. When she passed, it was one thing of hers that I got and it makes me comforted to use it now.

Mom wrote something once, in her later years, that was for us four kids. It was a few lines about each of us. About me she wrote -
Betts -
Third child.
Born natural childbirth
When she was born I thought no one else had ever had a child.
Was creative, artistic and a writer, drawing and won prize in NY State for a sculpture for school.
When she was six she wrote and illustrated a book about horses.
Became First Class in Girl Scouts
Loved dogs and taught our dog Prince lots of tricks when she was just 13. She had patience with him.
Hotwalked polo ponies at the polo games. Did it for weeks out of love of horses before she realized others were and she could get paid for it.
Attended college and wrote for newspaper. Became Editor.
In her career she is managing people.

She wrote in a similar fashion about my siblings also, tracing her thoughts about us from their birth (my sister - born while father was in college, a great joy to us and my brother - He came early, only weighed 4lbs 10oz)

The top of the page said "The Joys of my Life" It still makes me cry when I read it and I have read it many times.

I miss you Mom. And I thank you for all that you taught me in so many things and in so many ways.

3.11 on 4.28.11

2011-04-28T16:16:00.002-04:00

1431 days.

Tomorrow will be year 3 and 11 months. Talking to a friend the other day and she couldn't believe it had been that long. Me either.

Years, months, days, hours, minutes. How to measure, to mark, how long it has been since Jim died.

Still missed, every day. Every single day.

Tell me it's okay!

2011-04-20T23:29:00.000-04:00

I really want to get rid of some of the big furniture I have in the house. Mostly the big dresser that we never could get upstairs and has been in my living room for 10 years. It is gorgeous heavy solid wood and not a cheap piece. It's family is upstairs - an amoire, a bed, and 2 night stands. I think I have holes in my wall on the stairs from the amoire going up there when we moved in.

More and more I want to clear the house of stuff. Old stuff. I don't want to get rid of everything Jim and I owned, but some of it just isn't right for the house anymore. This makes me confused and sad.

I was at a friends house this past weekend and was loving how things were just so nicely put together. I mean, the house wasn't pin perfect neat, and it had lots of stuff that had been collected over the years, but it all sort of worked together. We had that in our house up north and it was great. I miss that. Now I feel very squashed and mishmashed. It is a lot of the same stuff, it's just not fitting into this house very well.

My dream. I have said it over and over and just can't find a way out. I wish, my ultimate dream, would be to sell this and get a place with a yard and just one story. A trailer, a ranch house, a shack. Just something other than this place. I just can't make the numbers crunch enough to do it.

So until then, I will continue to reshape the house I am in. Sometimes, for just a moment it feels like it is almost, trying hard to be, home.

Too long

2011-04-14T14:47:00.003-04:00

My friend told me she couldn't believe it has been almost 4 years since Jim died. Four years. Well, 3 years and 10 months and 348 days actually. But who is counting. Oh, I guess I am.

Clutter busters!

2011-04-11T21:11:00.001-04:00

Today was Clutterbusters day!

I had a coupon from Groupon where this organizational company sends someone out to the house and they help me with an area that needs decluttering and such.

It was fun. My friend Elaine (who is really good at this stuff anyway) came out to help. It got me motivated and seeing one area that was clean, clear and crisp has made me want more. I went thru the worst area - the office. I had years of old papers, bills, things saved because of one reason or another. I tossed lots and lots of stuff. Some went right into a bag for shredding. That bag became three bags.
I found a community run free shredding event and took the bags to them. And it felt good!

Next up is the clothing.

Names on an Index card

2011-04-06T16:31:00.003-04:00

One of my jobs here at work is to assist when people come in to find family in the cemetery. See, our offices are in a building that is attached to an old church. Very old. Next to the church is a large cemetery. In my office has a large fireproof file cabinet that weighs 1/2 ton or so. In that are all the index cards of the people that are buried there. So people doing their genealogy research come to me first to find out where in the cemetery they need to go. I got this honor by being the one to take over this room in our office. The person that has this room after me will have that honor.

I enjoy helping people in their search and we have a large map of the cemetery with names in the spots so it is easy to find. At least in theory. I even used technology and google mapped it and got a satelitte view to show people.

Speaking of technology...index cards? I mean really, we are in the 21st century. So for the past year I have been slowly moving the information from index cards into an Excel program so it would be easy to find names and areas.

This has been interesting even though I am not related to anyone buried here. To see the dates going back to the mid 1800's. To see family history - one last name and the number of people buried here from that lineage. Sometimes as many as 6 in one grave area.

Today I was inputting and ran into a card that had 3 boys names. They were infants buried at the foot of their fathers grave. They died all the same day and he died almost 40 years later. I imagine they were stillborn or something like that. They were buried in a spot and Dad joined them. No mention of Mom being buried there so who knows?

Some of it has been multi-generational. You can follow the family and see the different generations of great grandparents down to most recent family members. I look at them and wonder about things like "did she like that her name was Myrtle?" or "this family had 5 deaths all in the month of July and all in different years. July was not a good month for the Georgia family."

It is interesting how sometimes a whole life can come down to an index card, or a line in a bible or just...well...just a memory.

Bamm

2011-03-18T16:48:00.007-04:00

I was doing some gardening and wanted some background music. I struggled with trying to get the boom box to work. It needed C batteries. Oh well. Trying to figure something else out to use...what else did I have. I thought about the cd player/alarm/digital clock that was upstairs. I hadn't thought about it in a long while. Didn't know if I even could. It was the one that Jim and I used for years as our alarm clock. We would start the morning with Enya singing to us. It was too painful to listen to when he first passed away. I just unplugged it and moved it a couple feet over and boughta $12 alarm from Wal-mart.

I found it and dusted it off. A lot of dust had accumulated over the years. I saw under the dust was the label I made and stuck to it. Betsy loves Jim xoxoxo. I put that on it when I gave it to him. Touching that made me sad, yet I didn't want to be sad, I wanted to sit in the sun and plant flowers. Well, I couldn't get the radio to work but it would still play cd's. I couldn't bear Enya, however I did pull some Croce, Huey and Blues Brothers. An odd mix, but it was what I grabbed first. I was doing good singing along until BAMM Croce started singing "Photographs and Memories". A song about a love lost and what was left behind. His voice just rolled the lyrics out and his guitar melded it into a song that touched me in a deep place.

Yep, I lost it. I mean, with Jim gone that is basically what I have. Photographs of our life together. Memories of the times we shared. I sat in the backyard and cried for a bit as I listened to the song. I got up at the end and put Huey Lewis back in and started singing again.

Trying to get into the habit

2011-03-17T23:50:00.004-04:00

I have been doing this really odd thing. Exercising. Thanks to the LivingSocial daily deals I am a member of an Athletic Swim club. I love to swim and never seem to have been able to do it often enough in the last few years. I used to be on a syncronized swim team when I was in my teens.

So I go and do some laps. Ha. I look around me and feel very intimidated. But I raise my chin and carry on. My progress is sort of - swim half way up the lane, stop, tread water and float on my back to practice synchro moves and then swim the rest of the way, and about half way back again, then swim on my back the rest of the way, then rest for a few minute practising kicking. Not near the relentless lap swimming that I saw myself doing when I joined, but it works.

My arms are very sore, but that is just unused muscles, suddenly being used! I went tonight and didn't swim but walked on the treadmill. I have never exercised on real equipment before so this is kinda cool. I set up my Kindle and was able to read as I walk. Awesome. My legs are protesting a bit, but again, they will get used to it.

I hope to keep my resolve up and have this become a habit, not a happenstance. I forced myself to go tonight...I was all set to relax in front of the tv. Well, I came home and did that. I know habits are hard to break, but they are also hard to form, but I am trying.

I told myself....

2011-03-08T11:10:00.003-05:00

I told myself that March was going to be my rest and relaxation month. It seems I have had some big event or project each month for the last few months. A couple weeks ago I bought in on one of the daily special offers and got a pass to the local swimclub for $20 for 6 weeks. Normally around $150. So I am relaxing and swimming this month and into April.

I have though, already been planning the next two big projects. One is painting the living room and the other is the reworking the backyard. My neighbor has offered to assist in both these so that will be a big help. The yard was going to be the project last year but I got sidetracked with a knee injury. Now I am back up and things are planned out in my head.

Speaking of projects, I was going thru some old family pictures and sorting them out to give to my siblings. Somewhere in a pile was a bunch of pics I took of the house before Jim renovated it. It is in a half state of all the furniture out but nothing done yet. The pepto bismal pink walls were there and the nicotine stained window and door frames can be seen. It is nice to look around and see the changes that have been made and how far we have come and how much further I have been able to take it on my own - well - with my brothers and others help!

white hawaiian shirts

2011-03-05T11:40:00.002-05:00

Jim Dream - haven't had one in awhile, but woke up this morning on the way to our wedding.

Well, it was a renewal wedding. The dream started the day before the actual wedding and my family was there, even people that are no longer with us. Trying to get the food organized and the wedding dress to fit. It was chaotic. The wedding was planned for the next day in the late afternoon. I snuggled up to Jim that night and we talked about our renewal vows. I told him how the dress wasn't fitting right. He said let's scrap all that. We talked about not going on a long second honeymoon but rather holing up in a local hotel just north of us, because they had an indoor/outdoor pool and a lot of good memories with us over the years from when we went to science fiction conventions.

Then we were waking up in the morning and going out shopping for Hawaiian shirts. White ones. We decided that we would both wear them. I am not a traditional gal anyway so this would be fun. We walked down the aisle hand in hand with these white hawaiian patterned shirts and smiling at each other.

The dream was happy and a good way to wake up.

Happy Birthday Tigger!

2011-02-14T16:30:00.005-05:00

Tigger, my Dalmatian, turns 13 today. In Human years that is 65 years old.

I will recant the story of how Tigger came to be in my life. She came as a rescue and she was almost one year old. Actually, 11 months, 28 days, when we got her. Jim and I were running a Dalmatian rescue service for dogs in need of placement. Usually that was dogs from a kill shelter, but we took on all needs.

We got a call in early February. A woman telling us about her dalmatian that got hit by a car and can we help? I spoke to her and learned it was just a female puppy and she was holding her leg up but not in pain. I tried to get them to bring the dog to me and then in learning where they lived, it was a 3 hour drive. A little out of the normal range for our rescues. I gave her some suggestions and told her to go to the vet to have the leg looked at and then get back to us.

A few days go by and she calls back. She said they can't afford to go to the vet and they have to get rid of the dog because " the smell is horrendous". I will never ever forget that phrase and how she said it. We talked some more and she said that the dog was a pure breed from her brother and she was born on valentines day the year before. They said she was outside most of the time and got loose and got hit by a car. Jim and I agreed to go see her. We contacted a local vet ER surgery office and let them know she would be coming in later that day.

Her name then was Digger and they brought her inside (she had been living outside in a kennel) and hooked her up in the basement. Apparently she got bored and chewed a couple toes off - not feeling them because of the nerve damage. The husband wrapped them in gauze and then in duct tape to keep her from chewing the gauze. She had 3 layers of duct tape wrapped around her leg when we got there. We met her and she was happy, jumping around and licking our faces. She was craving attention. Jim got to work and cut the duct tape off and yep, the smell was bad. Her leg was gangerous and these people didn't even know it.

We got them to sign release papers and we got her out of there. At the hospital the doc said it would have to be an amputation. He would perform the surgery and see how she did. He said she had a great attitude and was already used to walking on just the three legs for the last couple weeks so he was hopeful. I had posted on a dalmatian message board about this and members there sent in donations. Ove the next week they sent them directly to the doctor with her name attached. It was amazing to get that help from people I had only known via online. See, the internet was all very new back then, but the friendship you could find was real.

When we were driving her to the vets her name got changed. It went from Digger to TIGGER. She was a bouncy bouncy bouncy gal. Her happiness just made me think of the real Tigger and how he was always happy no matter what happened.

Tigger came to live with Jim and I and our other new rescue adoption - Mercury. At first we had to keep them seperated because of her stitches and drains and such. They touched noses through the baby gates and got used to each other. We kept her in a room designed just for her. A big old couch, food bowls and toys. Jim would go in there in the evenings and just sit with her. He would have some comics and read and snuggle with her. She had no problems with the collar she had to wear to keep her from scratching. It is called the cone of shame, but she had no shame, for her it was just one more thing to deal with and she dealt.

She has been a strong dog even with having just 3 legs. She will pull you down the street on the leash or push you out of the way when she wants outside. She is a wonderful couch snuggle dog friend and loves to play tug of war with the rope.

I can't imagine the last 12 years without having her and Mercury around. They were a great dynamic duo.

Me, myself and I

2011-02-09T19:16:00.005-05:00

To be totally narcissistic today.

I have a new smart phone. A Mytouch that has a camera and it has a FRONT facing camera. So I can take pics of myself without holding my arm way out and not knowing what I am going to get. I started taking a picture a day of myself. Just for fun. I am sharing them so they can be saved somewhere and you all can have a good chuckle.

This may be the first pic with the camera on the phone. I love my expression here. I was just learning how to look at the camera and not at the phone itself. There must have been 15 pics taken before I got to this one. It took some practice.

At home, after taking a dozen pics of Tigger. Those will come in a later post. She is a very good dog model.

Haha! I got this hat when the snow it. I love it but it is not very flattering for me. It is great however when walking the dog late at night in the 19 degree weather.
I look at this picture and I see my mom. Never noticed it before, but I have had others tell me that. I think my hair always thru me off because we did not have the same hair styles.

Me at work. It was a good day. I like this pic. I wish we could take our favorites in to the DMV for use on our license.

Me at home, about to walk the dog. Notice the Super bowl champs THE PATRIOTS!!! hat. This pic is one that I see me as being very comfortable and relaxed.

At work again. This was one of the first pics with the camera. I can see the screen shot of my great nephew in the background and it was a few days after that they I changed it to one of the dogs in the snow. Our computer backgrounds and our phone wallpaper all tell a tale about us.

At work again. I think this was on 2.7.11. I got my hair cut over the weekend and it was still in shock. It is better today.

An interesting two weeks of Betsy.

Hello, is it me you're looking for....

2011-02-06T17:13:00.003-05:00

Heard this while playing "Glee" cd. Sometimes this stuff just happens. A trigger or a door opening to feelings and thoughts. Their presentation of the song is very nice, but it's the first few lines that get me.

I've been alone with you
Inside my mind
And in my dreams I've kissed your lips
A thousand times
I sometimes see you
Pass outside my door

Hello!
Is it me you're looking for?
I can see it in your eyes
I can see it in your smile
You're all I've ever wanted
And my arms are open wide
'cause you know just what to say
And you know just what to do
And I want to tell you so much
I love you

I long to see the sunlight in your hair
And tell you time and time again
How much I care
Sometimes I feel my heart will overflow
Hello!
I've just got to let you know
'cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely?
Or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven't got a clue
But let me start by saying I love you

Hello!
Is it me you're looking for?
'cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely?
Or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven't got a clue
But let me start by saying I love you

Sunday = Good day

2011-02-06T16:57:00.002-05:00

Don't you love these days when things flow together nicely. I wanted to get some chores done, and yet was faced with this gorgeous blue sky and sunny 45 degree day. I decided to rearrange my chores and I went out in the sun, walked the dog, got the car washed and my hair cut. This gave me some outside time and now I am devoting time to cleaning up a room in bad need of it. Mostly putting stuff away that has been sitting patiently waiting.

I like it when things turn out like this.

It started with my neighbor knocking on my door. He handed me my lost glove. It was great. I lost one of my favorite gloves last week in the big storm while I was walking Tigger. And, I have a neighbor that loves to walk, and well, finds stuff. He is always bringing home something that he found on the ground - dog balls, scarfs, odd stuff. Anyway, last week I told him that I lost my glove and he if saw it in his wanders to grab it. I never thought he would find it. What a great gift this was. Okay, so it was just a $5.00 pair from Walmart, but they were my favorites and it was odd to only have one. Not like when you lose a sock in the dryer. I hadn't gotten to the point of getting another set of gloves, but now I don't need to! Yay for good neighbors!

Well, it's only 5pm here so I don't want to jinx the rest of my day up, but so far so good. We all need these once in awhile.

Maybe this will work after all

2011-02-03T16:52:00.004-05:00

I may have figured out how to figure it out. Not exactly, but fudging it. I would still like to have it all coming from one source, but now I have learned how to transfer the pics into another picasa account and move them around that way. Those of you that follow the blog may have to resubscribe to follow it with the betts 4 name along with the betts4 one. Maybe.

Completely off the subject of that - I was looking my 2009 tax forms to help me fill out 2010's. I found a folder that had some things in it from a few years and then many many years ago. A photo of me as a newborn baby. And on the back of the pic was a little slip of paper with some times written down and a "start" and "finish" near them. I think it was my mom's contractions while she was in labor with me. It was definately my Dad's handwriting.

Then I found two sheets of paper that had both computer and hand written text on it, from my Mom. She wrote a few lines about each of us 4 children. My older sister, older brother, me and my younger brother. I remember her sending this to us all, but not exactly when. Well it must have been more than 11 years ago because it mentions my older siblings children but not my younger brothers boys. I read what she wrote about me and started crying. The second line - "When Betsy was born, I thought no one else had ever had a child, she was beautiful".

I was born natural childbirth and I was the only one of her children that was, she tried with my brother but he came early and had to be ceserean.

Interestingly enough, the last line my mom wrote on each of our info was "In her/his career she/he has managed people". And it is true, we all have/are. I cried a little when I read "they are all the joys of my life" in her own handwriting. I miss my mom. I wish I could call her on the phone to tell her how good a mom she was for us. This blog is the closest I can do.

She wrote about my artistic ability and things I did when I was younger with my drawing and photography. Reading it made me sad and feel bad that I never really got going with that and was stronger about doing it.

I am not sure if they still have their original copies or not, but I am going to copy and send this out to my siblings.

Google, Blogger and Aol!!

2011-02-03T16:36:00.002-05:00

You may see a change around here. Or maybe not. I am trying to change my username from the one I had with aol to this new one with gmail. However, it won't let me without losing out. We will see.

See, I have this blog set up with my aol account as a primary username and I want to switch it to a special gmail account I set up. I want to just close out the aol account completely. I get nothing but spam and emails from places with special offers. No real email anymore. I have closed out the other two aol accounts.

I can blog on here using the new gmail account but it changes things a bit and it is not the primary administrator so I can't do everything that I can do with this username - the original one. Are you confused yet? I sure am.

Taxes are done and with the return I am getting I want to do them all again to see where I made the mistake. Haha. Money back? I never get money back. Well, I guess I do this year. Oh, don't worry, I will take it and run. I am going to a Star Trek Media Convention in a few weeks and some of the refund will go towards some fun there. Some will go towards finishing my backyard off and some will go...gasp...in the bank!!!

25 years ago

2011-01-28T23:26:00.002-05:00

A moment of silence. We lost something 25 years ago.

Challenger.

Dick Scobee. Michael Smith. Ellison Onizuka. Judith Resnik. Ronald McNair. Christa McAuliffe. Gregory Jarvis. The first of the shuttle astronauts to die on the job.

The images of the exploding space shuttle still signify all that can go wrong with technology and the sharpest minds. The accident on Jan. 28, 1986 — a scant 73 seconds into flight, nine miles above the Atlantic for all to see — remains NASA's most visible failure.

I was at work that day, a new job doing some graphic art work and we had the radio playing. My coworker was very interested in this launch. As we listened and couldn't believe what we heard, he reached his hand out to grab mine. Today I would not be able to tell you his name, but I remember that death grip. We left work and went a half a block up to the local pub that had a tv. We watched the replay of the explosion.

One thing that was pointed out today that I hadn't thought of before, it was the world's first high-tech catastrophe to unfold on live TV. It was a new age for television.

Adding to the anguish was the young audience: School children everywhere tuned in that morning to watch the launch of the first schoolteacher and ordinary citizen bound for space, Christa McAuliffe.

She never made it.

McAuliffe and six others on board perished as the cameras rolled, victims of stiff O-ring seals and feeble bureaucratic decisions.

It was, as one grief and trauma expert recalls, "the beginning of the age when the whole world knew what happened as it happened."

Then came others, Waco, Oklahoma City, 9/11, Katrina, The DC killer, Virginia Tech. They are now all part of daily life on the tv news. We can get it as it happens.

Shuttle Columbia. I was watching a History channel show about the Challenger and the Columbia. It was seventeen years later, almost to the day, that seven more astronauts were killed, this time at the end of their mission. The similarities between Challenger and Columbia, are haunting. I can remember hearing about the Columbia explosion and not really believing that it could happen again.

Christa McAuliffe is personal to me in a unique way. I belong to a group made up of Star Trek fans, that formed a "ship". The ship is basically a club that meets and is part of a larger whole called Starfleet that has chapters across America. Our group named the ship the USS McAuliffe, in honor of Christa and her dream. The members have been together and been friends for more than 25 years.

25 years and I can still remember that hand reaching out to mine as we wondered if what had happened had really happened.

Stumbling

2011-01-25T00:08:00.004-05:00

I miss you.

Note- I stumbled across a folder of Jim pics while searching for a photo of Tigger. This one picture hit me hard tonight. Hard because of the look on Jim's face. Just very unposed and natural, like he really was in the next room. Some of it is because he is wearing the House of Blues shirt that I sleep in now, the sheets and comforter cover are still around and some because it was taken when we lived in MA and it was a happy time for us.

That darn winter cold

2011-01-20T11:11:00.002-05:00

The weather has been a bit colder than normal this winter. Somewhere along the way I picked up a head cold. That runny nose and coughing kind. Not a lot of sneezing but maybe a slight fever.

Blah.

It was me vs the cold. The cold won. I was cooped up in bed for all of MLK weekend. I stayed home from work the day after MLK day and tried to recover enough to go in the next day. On tuesday I got myself up and actually did this thing called a shower, and clean clothes were put on and I ventured out for a few minutes to get food. I went to work on wednesday, had a coughing fit about once every half hour - that was about as fast as I could suck down the throat longezes. My boss finally poked his head in and said "go home". So I did.

I picked up some cool stuff at the store. A smoothie from the juice section with all natural stuff and it claimed to be an "immunity booster" w/1000% vitamin C in it. I grabbed two and sucked one down right away.

I think it helped, or else the amoxicillin finally kicked in, or maybe it was just time for the darn cold to be gone, or a combination of all three plus the stars lining up right.

I hope as I write this that I am finally past it. It has been hours and hours since I last coughed. My nose is aching from the tissues and cream has been applied. I think I may be on the tail end of this beast.

It is interesting to reflect back and see how little it took for my body to give in. I always thought of myself as a strong person and a healthy person. I don't get normal colds like other people. I mean, I will get sick once and then it will be gone till next year. This cold wiped me out. I was just laying in bed or laying on the couch wrapped in blankets.

I am thankful for a couple neighbors that would text me and ask if I was okay or needed anything. One was also nice enough to take the dog out for a walk a couple times to let her stretch her legs. Yep, you can still find some nice people in the world.

A New Year - 2011 starts

2011-01-03T22:24:00.000-05:00

I stayed home this New Year's Eve.

I learned from the past two years and stayed home. Two years ago I went to a big party in another state and was okay until midnight. Then I stood among many people - some friends, some I just met, and I watched them kiss each other. I had no one to kiss to welcome in the new year. I freaked out and ran into the bathroom and turned the lights off and locked the door. And cried. I wanted Jim to kiss a welcome to the new year.

Well, last year I thought, okay, no big party, just a small gathering with some good good friends. Friends that knew Jim. Um. No. There I was at midnight looking around for Jim to hug and kiss and whoop and holler with. I went into another room and sat on the sofa alone and quiet while they all celebrated. One friend then another came in and sat with me and held my hand. That was nice.

However, this year I was smart and stayed home. I went to the store in the afternoon and bought some total junk food. I got chips and two kinds of dip - you know the regular ranch style and then that horseradish and bacon flavored. That is good...clears your sinuses. I bought some root beer, some veggies for the dip and some ice cream to make a root beer float later. I had a fun evening. It was me, the couch, the dog and Friday Night Lights. That tv show is my new addiction and I can't stop watching it. I have it on my netflix streaming and also bought myself the dvd's for christmas. Oh my I love it.

And when midnight came I didn't feel so alone. Strangely, I was alone in my house, but I wasn't alone in the crowd.

December descends

2010-12-07T11:38:00.003-05:00

I took a break in November. It was actually interesting because I had things happen that I wanted to blog about but then ran into timing problems. Like NO TIME.

November started and ended as a pretty emotional month. Jim and I would have celebrated our 21st year wedding anniversary on November 4th. Instead I stayed home from work and had a day of total nothingness. No chores, errands, interaction with anyone.

On the 5th my brother came and spent the weekend. He worked on my bathroom which was in bad need of repair and updating. We had a good time interacting with each other and that was needed. He got the bathroom finished to the basics - new floor, new pedestal sink, medicine cabinet gone, walls painted and then left it for me to decorate. Now that is where the fun came in. Out with the old shower curtains, out with the old towels, out with the old toothbrush and toilet holder, out with the old wall cabinet. I got new everything and bed bath and beyond loves me! It looks very fresh and just what I needed.

One thing I learned while my brother was here was how to use the cordless drill/screwdriver. I didn't know that to put a screw in, you have to drill a hole first....I always wondered why it didn't work right for me. I felt very empowered after putting together the new cabinet and attaching it to the wall correctly. The cabinet took two nights (3 hours each) to actually build - and lots of cussing and dropping things and having things not fit right and putting them on backwards and such. But I got it done. All by myself!!!

Moving on to Thanksgiving. That was an interesting weekend. I had dinner at a friends and it was great. But all the neighbors were away and 3 of them asked me to watch their dogs and cats. It was fun bopping around to the houses and it broke up my day. I hadn't planned any trips or such. I just wanted to work in the house.

So novemeber is done. December descends upon us. I have holiday cards and cookies to bake and am going to see my brother at the end of the month.

Mandolins

2010-10-12T09:56:00.000-04:00

This may seem odd, but I am happy this morning because I may have found a home for two mandolins and a guitar that were my father in laws.

They have been in our basement forever wrapped in a couple of plastic bags. Jim kept them after finding them when going thru stuff after his mom died. They were his dad's and we didn't want to just toss them and no one else wanted them, so we kept them, intending someday to getting them cleaned up. So, after Jim died, my brothers told me to trash them. I couldn't do that and they have been in the basement rafters for years.

Well a neighbor moved in down the street and he plays in a band called The Bridge, which plays bluegrass and folk music. He was talking about his restoring one of his guitars and I thought of the instruments in the basement. I brought them up and he is going to look into restoring them and what needs to be done. If they can be fixed at all. it was nice to be able to give them to someone that can appreciate them. I mean, his face got all lit up when he saw them and he immediately started trying to tune them and strum them and such.

It was just a nice moment to see something that I have little emotional attachment to (I never met Jim's dad, he died long before I came along) could give someone a smile. I had kept them because I knew they shouldn't just be tossed in the trash and that they would find a home eventually. I will be interested to see what he can do with them.

TV and Books

2010-10-08T10:14:00.002-04:00

Watching TV was also a relaxing way to end the day. Jim and I both were TV addicts and could watch that little box for hours. We would curl up on the couch and end up with a dog on either side of us and watch a movie or a few tv shows we recorded when we couldn't watch them live. Gosh I love my TiVo's.

Being that we met in a movie rental store this is not surprising. Blockbuster Video. Remember vhs tapes guys? You know, you would go to buy one and they were 89.99 or maybe on sale for 69.99 for just one movie. Oh those were the days. Now they are 14.99 at Wal-Mart or you can just stream them direct from Netflix.

We were able to respect each others tastes and there were some things we loved to watch together and some shows that we went into seperate rooms to watch. I think I have told the Columbo story in an earlier blog, but a recap - we were married about 3 years and had moved into our first townhouse. I loved to watch Columbo (dating back to when I watched it with my mom when it was on the mystery movie night in the 70,s) and it was on one afternoon. Jim was watching something downstairs so I turned it on and lay out on the bed. About a half hour later I went downstairs to get a snack and there it is on the downstairs tv. Jim and Gryphon (our first Dal) were on the couch. We loved the fact that neither one of us knew the other was a Columbo fan and we went on to learn more about each others tastes.

I do love older classics - film noir and comedies from the 40's and horror movies from the 50's, so we were well suited in that manner.

One thing I have learned is that since Jim died I am binging a lot more on tv shows. Some of this is also thanks to Netflix and some because of the excess time and need to escape the bleh of the home. I am watching tv shows/series that people have been telling me for a few years to watch. Friday Night Lights is my new favorite, Robin Hood -the UK version, The Office and some others. I love watching these without commercials and with awesome picture quality.

Don't get me wrong, I haven't given up my first true love - books. I have taken it up a notch and moved into the 21st century. I bought a Kindle from Amazon. I am enjoying the ease of this and am searching out sites for free ebooks. I went shopping for ebooks on Amazon and felt like I was back in the video store where the movies were 89.99. One ebook for 9.99? no thanks. I wish there was a way to get used ebooks. I mean, I love books, but I rarely pay full price with all the used books stores and things like paperbackswap where they are free. I hope the ebook market goes down sometime soon.

One change that I have made, or maybe a habit I went back to, was to have no tv in the bedroom. I read to put myself to sleep. I have done that since I was a kid and sneaking under the covers with the flashlight to read "My side of the Mountain" or "The Black Stallion". Those are treasures I still have on my shelf.

Mattresses

2010-10-07T10:48:00.003-04:00

I am sleeping on Jim's side of the bed now. Or sometimes almost horizontally across the bed.

My side has reached a point where my back aches when I wake up. After a couple weeks of this I realized it must mean it is time to turn the mattress. We used to do this about once a year. Now it has been at least 3 years or maybe 4.

I tried doing this last week but was not able to barely move the mattress let alone lift and turn it. Ugh. And then I sat down and started getting emotional. Not a full crying jag, but one of those where I wonder when does it end. When do I learn how to do the stuff that other singles have done for years. Is it because I did have someone else to help me and learned to depend on them to help me that I feel lost.

It was a pity party, I know, but it brought out some thoughts I hadn't touched in awhile. Like how to get my life more in order. I keep trying and sometimes feel like I have succeeded but then get that set back that throws it all off.

Probably something that everyone goes thru though. Maybe it was just more intense because my back hurt.

In a conversation I had with another widow yesterday, we lamented about missing our husband's and slogging thru all the things life throws at us. She said "It's hard to handle the bills, the job, the decisions after 23 years of talking to and arguing with someone else about what we should do. I end up arguing with myself and I never win that fight."

I am pleased because I have made progress, I have made changes and I have dealt with a shitload of stuff. It's just little stuff that comes along like the mattress or changing a light bulb in a ceiling fan that hits me. But this is life and I am just venting here. Sometimes to stay positive you have to do that once in awhile.

On the plus side, so this post is not all whining. My friends came and helped me clean up the laundry/tool room. It looks nice now. I was able to put a shelf up in the kitchen that freed up a lot of counter space. I have this new rule - if you eat off of it, it gets washed as it is placed in the sink. This is an important rule because I am notorious for letting dishes pile up. It has been in effect for 6 days now and is still working. Hoorah!

Now I need to go clean up and put away the laundry in the bedroom so I can get some help to move the mattress.

Singing in the Rain

2010-10-01T13:19:00.002-04:00

It has been raining here for a couple days. I took the dogs out for a walk last night around 10 pm and I put on my new rain boots, my black trench coat, my fedora and grabbed an umbrella.

About halfway to the park I realized the dogs were fine on their own (they were tied to each other on a looong leash) and I let them go. They trotted on over to the park which is a half a block away from my house. And I twirled my umbrella sang a little Gene Kelly and splashed in the puddles!

Later, after we were all settled and asleep a bit, I woke from a dream where I was doing the same thing but looked up at the sky to see lightening flashing. I noticed (in the dream) that the lightening was exactly the same pattern over and over. It was odd that I was dreaming about the same thing I had just done that night.

I love my dreams. I love that I remember them for the most part. I had one dream a few years ago that was me but I looked different, had a different life but I know it was really me, experiencing the events, and in the end I found my true love as I did in this life. It was great and I wrote it down.

Hot tub dreams

2010-09-26T22:52:00.002-04:00

I wish I had a hot tub in the basement. Not just a hot tub but a spa like room to go to and relax. No tv. No phone. Just some nice piped in music and my kindle to read some silly romantic novel. It would be all white and there would be a super thick bathrobe and some towel boys to rub me down at the end....okay, well even just a nice hot tub would be fun.

It was a good weekend for getting stuff done. Saturday friends came to help me straignten the back laundry room/tool storage area. My one friend is an organizing fiend and loves to do this kind of thing so I let her go nuts. We had a scrumptious steak house dinner afterwards and today I was just a total bag of do nothingness.

Every once in awhile I need one of those days. To have the spa room in the basement would make it easier as a get away. I wonder if I could make it a secret room. Maybe put a wall up and then paint that with some old boxes, tools, cobwebs, dust and assorted stuff you find in a basement and that would keep others from bothering me.

I am going to start working on this.

The last two weeks

2010-09-24T10:10:00.002-04:00

The last two weeks have been crazy. No "down" time since the 6th. Every night has been a meeting of some kind. Every day has had some drama in it.

Locked myself out of my house.

Two days in a row.

I was able to get in with help from a neighbor who crawled thru my window and the second time by calling the woman that walks my dogs and getting my key.

I left to go to work without taking my morning medicine.

Two days (well, not in a row but in this week).

I volunteered at our Community Health Fair, took Tigger to the vet, got Zoey transported to the house, helped at the pot luck dinner for the neighborhood group, had a staff meeting at work, took Zoey to the vet, had a birthday dinner and then finally, finally was able to just crash at home for an evening.

That was a lot crammed into 2 weeks and I guess it makes up for all those days of Summer when it was too hot to do anything!

I had intended to blog every other day, but man, by the time I had a chance to stop and breathe, I was too darn tired to blog.

Hopefully things will slow down a bit.

Zoey pics

2010-09-24T09:44:00.003-04:00

From this morning, 9.24.2010

Zoey update

2010-09-24T09:36:00.002-04:00

The roll I was on for Blogging in August didn't last into September. Why? well one word can explain it.

Zoey.

She is here and doing well but it has been a non-stop ride of things to do, people to meet and places to go with her.

Zoey and Tigger have settled into a nice style of living. Sort of like dorm mates or house mates. They each have their own sleeping space and they have their shared space and they have their spot on the couch with me, so we are all happy. I was not worried too much because Tigger had done this before - foster dogs in the house - but she hadn't done it in awhile and she hadn't done it without Mercury to back her up. But it is all working out.

Happily, Zoey is NOT pregnant. Or, at least, not pregnant enough to stop her from getting spayed. That will be happening next week. YAY!!! One bullet dodged.

Zoey

2010-09-06T23:48:00.004-04:00

Trying not to get too excited.

Trying not to go out and go crazy buying stuff.

Trying not to think to hard whether this was the right or wrong thing to do.

On Saturday night somewhere around midnight or maybe one a.m. I was cruising Facebook and saw this picture.

A Dalmatian in a kill shelter in NC. She is young, but not sure how young or old. She was to be put to sleep on wednesday. She needed help. A friend posted this and I took one look, debated with myself for a moment and then send him a note saying "I'll take her as a foster". She didn't even have a name. Just F5804. I told my friend her new name is Zoey.

Since then we have contacted a Dalmatian Dog Rescue group down there and they are getting her out on tuesday to go to the vets. She will stay there for check-up and shots and testing for various things like heartworm and such.

She will then be transported via friends from NC up here to me.

Jim and I did this sort of thing for over five years when we lived in the Boston area. I loved it and he always seemed ready for anything I threw at him. Once, driving home from here to Boston I called to tell him of a pick up. A Dal in a shelter in NJ (just off 95). He picked her up, brought her home and then told me that she sat almost on his lap the whole time she was so excited to be out of the shelter and around a human (or so he said).

My nervousness is that I am not sure how Tigger will take it and there is nthing really known about the dog and how she will react to another dog or if she is even housebroken or trained in anyway. I am thinking Tigger will be okay, she will want to be Queen Bee, but I also think she is lonely after losing Mercury and Figaro.

Updates will follow as I learn more!

September, oh Yes

2010-09-04T21:18:00.006-04:00

September is here!

Yes. September is a fun month. The start of school, a few birthdays (mine included), the beginning of touches of fall and a nip in the air.

The pic is one taken from the front porch of our house in Randolph about 10 years ago. I loved sitting on that porch and watch the sun go down. Twilight hour was always a wonderful time.

A long day of work or fun was over, the night was settling in and there was almost like a changing of the guard. Certain sounds faded away and others came out.

This is sort of what the first few weeks of fall is. A changing of the guard from summer to winter. An easing into the cool nights, warmer clothes and falling leaves. One day would be a remembrance of the heat and the next could be a look forward to the cold to come. There is no way to know what Fall will do with the temperatures. A night worthy of a trip to the Drive In and the next day a blazing hot afternoon designed for a barbecue and pool party.

Somewhere the end of September will show us the settling in of Fall and the colors explode and the nights drop in temperature so there is no question about no more AC but just a wonder when to the heat on for the first time.

Yep, September.

Almost heaven

2010-08-30T12:37:00.006-04:00

Monday morning of a mini vacation. I took Friday, Monday and Tuesday off of work and spent the weekend enjoying that time with some friends. Today is run around and do errands and such kind of day. However, it hasn't started yet. I have been very relaxed and not moving this morning. But that's okay, that's what a vacation is about...to relax a bit.

On Saturday the three of us drove down and along Skyline drive. It was beautiful. I loved seeing for miles and miles and miles across the Shenandoah Valley and across acres of beautiful trees and more mountains. The drive thru the National Park was spaced with "overlooks" where you could pull off and pull out the binoculars to take a look.

We stopped atone of the overlooks and it was filled with Butterflies. There was one guy sitting on the edge of the curb and I lowered my finger down and he stepped on it. Sort of like when you offer your finger to a bird. Anyway, I raised up very slowly and my friend took this pic. I hope you see the feeling of wonder at holding something so beautiful in my face. I tossed my hand up and he flew away. That feeling was with me for most of the trip. To feel the cool air on my face as we drove about 30 mph, to be so high up that there were clouds below us and to share this with friends was really nice. A good day was had by all.

Throughout the day John Denvers song "Almost Heaven West Virgina" kept playing through my head. Skyline drive is technically not in WVA, but we travelled through to get there and it just seemed a very appropriate song for the feeling of the day. I had wanted a day out of and away from the city.

Early Morning

2010-08-29T22:33:00.002-04:00

The 29th rolls around again.

I was visiting a friend this weekend. She knew Jim and the three of us often hung out together, had dinner, went to movies, helped each other move, and such. She has been a supportative friend in these past years.

This morning I woke up and somehow in a early morning, not really awake haze started talking to her about Jim. We had watched 50 First Dates with Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore. It is a great romantic comedy but there was a couple scenes that really hit me hard and had me missing my Jimbo. The tender kissing and the love that you can see that Adam's character is giving Drew's character. It was what I felt when Jim gazed at me in a special moment.

I think the movie is what had me talking about Jim, and now, to be honest I can't remember what I said. But it was just an early morning moment.

Listening

2010-08-22T22:47:00.002-04:00

I never thought about it much, but sort of always assumed back in the pre widow days, that those that have gone through the loss would know what they were doing and how to handle it.

Fail.

I guess, you would think after experiencing the death of my husband…I would be one of those people who knew what to say when someone else was going through something similar. That I would have some magical words of comfort. That I wouldn’t be as stupid as some of the people I have encountered asking those questions we widows or those that have lost someone dear always hate to hear.

Yup. You would think.

But because of the experience I’ve been through, it makes me more self-conscious than ever that I’m going to say the wrong thing. If there’s one thing I know by now it’s that what one person finds comforting will make another person want to smack you. So, most of the time, I just try and keep quiet and let them talk. I am not very good at that. But I try.

About a month ago a neighbor down the block lost her son. It was a very sudden death and very violent. Most of us on the block knew him but hadn't known that he was "in with that crowd". He was around my age. It was shocking, to say the least. And not knowning what to say to his Mom. She had been friends with my Mother in Law but I didn't know her well. A woman I knew from nods on the street and the annual block party. I watched people go up to her and say "it's good he went fast" or "the pain will pass" and other stuff. It brought back memories of my own.

I went up to give her a hug and told her that I was sorry and that my husband Jim had always enjoyed talking to her son when he was much younger. She smiled at that and said she remembered him talking about Mr. Jim. Then something happened. I started asking my neighbor questions about how her son and her history on the block here and how long they knew Jim's family, and such.

And then something interesting happened.

My neighbor’s face suddenly lit up (as much as it can when you’re fighting against the rip-tide of grief) as she told me about her husand and her moving here. About Jim's mom and her dragging their husbands back from the bar at the end of the street one night. She talked about Jim's siblings and her kids and the fun they had growing up. She shared stories about raising their kids and talked about the relationships they had with everyone in the room. I realized something.

We all just want to tell our story. She just wanted to talk.

Not about his death. Not about what had happened. But about the life. And about a person who would never be forgotten.

In everyone’s attempt to “say the right thing” in times of grief they’re ignoring a very simple fact that would save everyone a lot of aggravation. They don’t have to talk at all.

They don’t have to worry about whether saying, “I’m sorry” is going to annoy someone. They shouldn’t even attempt to look at the bright side and say, “Well, at least he went quickly.” They shouldn’t make a pathetic stab at philosophy by saying, “Everything happens for a reason.” Or the ban of a widows (or anyone that has lost someones) existance....“He’s in a better place now.”

They just have to ask one simple question about the person who is gone. And listen.

I realized that the most healing time I had when Jim was gone, was just sitting around with friends while we talked about special memories and moments about us and our life together. Even in my darkest hour, I enjoyed strolling down Memory Lane with anyone who would take the time to listen. Don’t we all? I LOVE it when people ask me how I met Jim. It's a great story. There is fun in remembering what we all did as a group and cons we went to or costumes or parties. I love it when someone looks at pictures of us; Jim, me, them, other friends and we can talk about what was happening in the pics. I love it when we talk about things we had done with them, our friends, together.

I started this blog to share those memories. So that they wouldn't be forgotten and it has helped in my healing process. I thank those that have read this for years for allowing me to share Jim in this way. I thank my friends for listening to the stories when we are just sitting around remembering the past. For not be afraid to mention his name or bring up those memories.

Dump

2010-08-20T23:00:00.002-04:00

Not a typical Friday night.

The city put a dumpster up the block from me. It allows the residents to toss old furniture and trash and such into it. Things that have been building up in the yard or basement and they couldn't take to the dump because many don't have vehicles.

I have seen them before in the neighborhood (and used them) and one thing, they fill up very quickly. So I came home from work and started gathering some of the stuff that has been layng around the house waiting to be taken out. I do have a car so I could take to the dump but if there is a dumpster a block away, I will use it.

The shelves that have been in the backyard gettting moldy, some wood boxes that were broken and splintered, a couple containers of old flower pots that were cracked, some old plastic containers - I think one still had noodle in it. A major thing was the big old foot rest in the living room. I tossed that and now there is space in there. I took it a step further and wiped the floor and now it all shines.

I think tomorrow will be a relaxation day after all that. Maybe Sunday I will get to cleaning the laundry room up.

Not sure where these bursts of energy and cleaning are coming from, but the house is looking better and better.

Sex therapists

2010-08-19T21:47:00.000-04:00

I went thru a bag of costumes the other day. My friend Thomas was there and he helped me sort thru them. Some I kept, some I tossed. Many were Jim's, but a few were mine. The costumes are ones that we wore on various occasions to Halloween parties or Star Trek conventions.

They brought back good memories and it was fun to tell Thomas about them. The Star Trek Sex Therapists was a story. Two gold shirts in the original series Star Trek style. I found them at a thrift store. Jim came up with the idea of being part of the medical group and being sex therapists for crewmen that couldn't handle being in space for so long without getting any. We would help them "handle it", so to speak. I used a friends bra and stuffed it so I had about a DDD cup size for the night. That was cool. What was nice was that they were such simple costumes that we didn't have to worry about anything and we could move around and dance.

There were some other costumes in the bag and I did a pick and choose sorting. What held the fondest memories and what will I not be sad to let go of. It is not easy, but it can and needs to be done.

Figaro

2010-08-16T22:35:00.010-04:00

Figaro has been a member of the family since 1992. Jim got him when the kitty was just about 7 weeks old. The smallest ball of purr you can imagine. And fiesty too.

Figaro is going to the vet tomorrow and it looks like it will be his last trip.

He was really Jim's cat. Especially since we moved back here and he became an inside cat. Jim was the one he would go to and cuddle up with and he was happy to, very cat like, totally ignore me.

We got him from a local shelter. I was working and Jim went there one day and went into the 'kitten room'. This is a room where there may be a dozen kittens running free and playing with each other and people can go in and choose one. Well, all the kittens fled this large man. Except one. Jim sat on the bench in there and Figaro came right up to him, climbed up on the bench and then along Jim's shoulder to sniff an ear. Jim brought him home.

Figaro is a tuxedo cat - black with white chest, paws and a white chin. He also has a loud voice. A big mouth. Even as a kitten. We named him Figaro because he looks like the cat from Pinnochio. And because he talked a lot.

He has a habit in the morning of "singing for his supper". He says "ahlloooww" in cat meowishness that makes it sound like he is saying hello. He will do that outside the bedroom door until I get up and get him some breakfast.

Figaro came into our family and we had the Shadow cat already. Shadow was about a year or so old and Shadow was a very pretty but not quite all there cat. He was a big grey ball of fluff that Jim got me as a present one year. I think Jim liked having pets because he never had them as a child. They had dogs, but those were his dads hunting dogs and they weren't to be played with.

I realized tonight that I have had Figaro longer then I had Jim. I sat tonight with him and I couldn't get him to sit on my lap like he did with Jim, but he lay beside me and let me pet him. The first six months after losing Jim he wouldn't let me do that. I was just a non-entity that fed him. Not worthy of attention and he patiently waited to hear the door open and Jim come thru the door. We all did. Fig finally came around and for the last couple years would cuddle at the back of my neck on the couch while I had a dog on either side of me.

I think Fig never liked that he and Shadow had control of the house and our attentions and then we got dogs. First it was Gryphon then Merc and Tigger. He never fought with them but he was never really happy with them too much. He was his catlike self.

When we moved to a small town outside of Boston, Figaro loved it. We lived in a low key rural street on the edge of town and he could be an inside/outside cat. It was fun to go outside with the dogs and see Fig sitting on a low hanging tree limb watching us. He stalked and brought home his prey. He was a magnificant cat and in his prime. He was a king among cats. Shadow was still given the same choice to come and go but he was an inside cat. He was happy to let Figaro wander and come back and tell him about the great outside. Shadow passed away while we were there and Figaro became an only cat.

At that time the cats were allowed upstairs in the bedroom. They never slept with us at night but could be found there during the daytime. This changed when we moved and we shut the door on Fig. He didn't seem bothered he just slept on the couch and annoyed the dogs by taking what would have been one of their spots there. You know the term "alpha dog" in the family. Well, he was "alpha cat". Well alpha cat after mommy.

Up until this past year Fig has always been very a healthy, happy and no problem cat. It saddens me to see him this way and my friends that visit have commented on it also.

Fig is going to the vet's because he is suffering severe weight loss and fecal incontinence. He will lay down and when he gets up there is stuff left there and he doesn't seem to realize it. He stopped using the litter box and just goes where ever. It has been hard. I have been trying for many months to battle it. Trying different food, different litter, visit to the vets a few months ago said all the blood work was fine (no cancer, diabetes, kidney problems).

This is tough because it is close to a year to when I lost Mercury. And two years from when I lost my Dad. And three years from when I lost Jim. I thought I could get thru this year with no deaths, but Figaro is in a bad way and there is no choice. My friend said this is another milestone for me. One I could have done without.

Figaro will find his way to Jim's lap and keep on purring and loving that he found him.

It is going to be very very quiet around here.

A different kind of bucket list

2010-08-13T13:28:00.003-04:00

I am about to start a bucket list. For my house. Things I want/need to get done.

I started thinking about big things to do because my brother said he would come out to help me. Then when I started that list, I also started walking around and looking. Then I realized there were lots of little things that I have been ignoring.

That may be my life right now. Focusing on the big and ignoring the small. Big? figuring out how to pay mortgage/car loan/bills. Small? changing that light bulb in the hallway that keeps burning out on me. Big? getting someone to look at my knee which is aching. Small? getting my hair cut as it is slowly driving me crazy.

It seems like there is a lot of stuff that has piled up. Issues that need to be worked out and problems to solve. Heck it took a week just to get the cable straightened out. A week and a 2 hr visit to the cable offices and a 47 minute wait on the phone to have a 4 minute solution fix it all.

One thing I am doing though is trying. I am trying to keep it all together and get the things marked off the list and have my home be a better home for it.

The bucket list for the house has become almost fun because I am just writing down whatever I can think of or have thought about in the last 8 years. Shelves here, this taken out, that painted, roof fixed, bathroom redone....I will prioritize and maybe figure out which I can do and which will take the most man power and time. I am not going to have many free weekends over the next couple months. I think I will like the end result though.

Boston legal tears

2010-08-08T23:00:00.003-04:00

Who would think watching an episode of Boston Legal would end in a crying jag which is the ending to an otherwise really good weekend. Maybe it was due.

I was watching Boston Legal and it was a very emotional episode. The end of the series and Carl proposes to Shirley. It just was in one second, a flood of the memory of when Jim proposed to me and then the tearing in my chest and then the tears and me wondering why.

The dog helped clear it up by licking my chin, nose and cheeks. The cat helped by arching his back and farting in my general direction. He does that a lot lately (he is almost 19 yrs old now). Ultimately I had to hug them both, which neither liked but they put up with it.

It hit me because I did a lot of things this weekend around the house and feel really good about it. But I was alone. I don't have anyone to say "hey man, look at this room now. I got a new rug and put all the darn clothes away. I am on a roll". And get the pat on the back and hug and smile for achievement. It sounds whiney - and I am proud of myself with or without that pat on the back, but the smile would be nice. And so I sigh and look around and think okay I can get past it. Others have. I can.

A lot of clean up and reorganizing was done yesterday and today was a nice day spent with good friends. I drove out to a friends with another friend and we went shopping and then she made crepes for the three of us. Nice savory crepes with cheese, ham, sautueed mushrooms and other stuff. Yummy. A couple hours later it was fruit crepe time. With a drizzle of chocolate syrup and a splurt of whipped cream. Yep. Double yummy. It wasn't till I came home and watched the emotional thanksgiving episode of Boston Legal that things went awry.

Writing has helped. And I am starting a new list of things to do next weekend.

Funday Saturday

2010-08-07T23:09:00.002-04:00

Ever have one of those days where you get to the end and you think "that was a good day".

I had one today. I had a lot to do and yet not much to do. I had a cable guy coming out to work on a problem so I had to wait for him. You know the old "they will be there between 10-1" deal. I started cleaning in the morning and kept going since I had to be there anyway. I couldn't use the excuse that I always used to use "I need to run out and do errands" and get away from the house and not clean. So, I cleaned up and then waited. And waited. And waited for him. Finally he comes, just as my friends call me to tell me they want to take me to lunch. Oy. It works out timewise anyway and the tv works and the lunch was fun.

I come back from lunch, play around with setting up season passes and such (I love tivo!!!) and go upstairs for a quick nap.

I got up and went outside to social with some of the families on the block. We will hang out on our stoops in the twilight and chat, compare qossip and share food. My neighbor decided that she would help me move my new (beautiful) Freecycle rug upstairs, but only if we did it right away. That meant moving stuff out of one room, into another, lugging the old rug downstairs and the new one upstairs. Phew.

It looks great in the room. I don't want to move anything else in there. However, all the stuff from there is in on my bed so to sleep tonight I have to keep on going.

Tomorrow will be a day of sloth.

Greeting cards

2010-08-06T23:35:00.002-04:00

At the drugstore today getting some shampoo.

I wandered down the aisle of greeting cards and looked at a few. I realized what I was missing. It hit me like a lump of clay in my stomach. I was missing something I really enjoyed that gave me great pleasure and that I could give as well as receive. An I Love you Card.

Jim and I gave them to each other throughout the year and not just on special occasions. Just to say I love you and let the other know they were being thought of at that time. I have a box of them that I came home and looked at. I cried a little at this part of my life that is now gone. Gone with Jim.

The cards were sort of like the flowers he would often surprise me with on fridays. One more way to say I Love You.

Petsitting

2010-08-03T23:56:00.004-04:00

I am pet sitting this week. Two of my neighbors, seperately, asked me to watch their pets while they were away on vacation.

One is a dog that I just need to look in on in the morning, give her some food and let her out. She is easy because someone else is walking her in the afternoons. Also, she is scared of me so she just hides upstairs, peering down the stairs till I leave.

The other is this gorgeous orange and white long haired cat that needs feeding and some human interaction. His name is Vic and he is a very aloof cat. I have tried to talk to him and pet him but he is not having any of it. He will get up on the couch with me and look at me....but that is it. It makes me smile. Now there is the chance that as the days go on and he realizes that Keith is not coming home, that he will start to want some attention. I figure he is a cat, he will do what he wants.

Both of these pet sittings are done pro bono. And that will mean that when I go away to see family - yep - I have someone that I can call if needed to care for Tigger and Figaro.

It is interesting because that just shows one more bit of my neighborhood as a small town. There are definately some of us neighbors that are very interactive with each other. Much more so than you would find in a normal city block. Oh yes, there are other that just go to work, come home go inside and we know nothing about them. Luckily about half the block watches out for each other and talks, shares recipes, helps on saturday and of course, gossips.

I have keys to three of my neighbors homes and I know Keith has keys to me and another neighbors, while Becca has keys to mine and the lady's whose dog I am also sitting (Becca walks Gracie in the evenings). I am perfectly fine with this.

The petsitting is just a nice way to be a good neighbor, but it is also a good way to show that the big city does not have to be an isolated place to live.

Giving Space

2010-08-02T22:20:00.001-04:00

I can't remember if I have ever blogged about this, but I want to tell you how proud I am of my husband. My husband, the man who couldn't say no to anyone in need.

My best friend and I fell out of touch for a bit because her husband was friends with my ex boyfriend and I didn't want to see him and he was always around their house. So, I only saw her a couple times a year for a year or two. It was much more complicated then that, but I will stop there.

Anyway, one night she knocks on our door (I was married for about a year then) and asks if she can spend the night. She had been crying and said she was leaving her husband and didn't want to go to any of her friends that she knew he knew she might go to. I was actually touched she thought of me and she stayed for six months while the divorce went thru. She gave us rent money and food money and had no problem with cleaning chores. Yes, it was cramped but it was okay. She has since remarried very happy and has a son. We have built on our friendship and she has been a wonderful support since I lost Jim.

This happened again years later in our marriage. We had a woman we pretty much barely knew come to live in our finished basement for almost a year. She was in her 60's, had no children, belonged to our church and her husband had died, she lost her house and literally had no where to go. She moved into the basement with all of her belongings. I mean it was jam packed and looked like a hoarders room. It wasn't, it was just all her stuff. She did give us some rent money but not for a couple months. She did however cook dinner for us. That was nice and to help someone in need, well, we didn't have kids, we had the space that wasn't being used, so Jim said "why not?".

I have tried to continue that giving spirit but I think he did it so unconsciously it is hard to duplicate.

August 1

2010-08-01T23:31:00.003-04:00

I took two months off of the blogging. I am going to be back stronger this latter half of the year.

The last two months have been a whirlwind of events wrapped around me doing nothing with my leg propped up on the couch. Lots of doctor visits and ice packs. I learned that both my knees have arthritis. My right knee is much worse off and is constantly swollen and has a torn meniscus and such. I am taking steps to strengthen it and be prepared for possible surgery.

It has taught me a lot about taking small steps, planning out moves to make during the day and making the most of the netflix streaming account.

Tomorrow I will talk about my nieces wedding.

3 years

2010-05-29T12:48:00.002-04:00

"It's not easy to be a superhero's heroine."

Remembering Jim on this third year of his passing.

One of my internet friends, a fellow widow, sent me this video and told me that she was thinking of Jim and I on this day. "What I want you to do today and often in the future when you're thinking about your personal superhero, Betts, is to realize the hero qualities you possess and have proven are inside you. If you never gave thought to you being Jim's super heroine, give it thought now, for no doubt Jim knows it's not been easy to be you, and is so proud of you in your silly red sheet as you've so courageously tried to find the better part of yourself these last three years. There are so many special things inside of you."

I have tried to be strong and to move forward with my life, as Jim would want me to do. Every day seems like a new adventure to test the limits of my bounds. Jim and I did this together and it made us a special team.

Jim, I love you still and miss you always.

Star Spangled America Remembers

2010-05-28T13:24:00.000-04:00

This Memorial Day weekend has me remembering lots of things.

Jim's passing on Tuesday morning 5/29/2007 is one of those things, but others include the soldiers that have served for their country. My country. Our country. My father was one of them. He served in the Army under Patton, in WW2 and was a POW. My husband served during Vietnam and was in the Navy for 12 years. My friend Fred, served as a Marine during the Gulf War and just retired after 20 odd years serving and protecting our nation.

Thank You.

Iron Man

2010-05-20T10:05:00.001-04:00

So there I was, at the movies, about to watch Iron Man 2. Iron Man was a favorite of Jim's. That was one of the things that I was sad about when it came out, was that he would be watching it with me. He had been looking forward to it since they announced it.

Anyway, there I am and there he is. No, not Jim but a cute older guy that was sitting alone. He was on the end of the row that myself and two of my gal friends were in. I got up to go do my last pee before the movie. He let me by and coming back I said "one more time past". He put his leg up and said "oh wait, toll to pay". I laughed, he moved his leg, chuckled and said Just Kidding. I then got promptly teased by my friends. What? are we back in high school? Geesh. Well, then I couldn't stop sneaking looks over at him. Did he have a wedding band on? I never could tell.

I am looking at other guys.

That was a rush in my head when I thought about it but then realized that I probably had too much baggage to be able to do more than flirt a bit. But, hey, I flirted a bit when Jim was around so that is nothing new.

Baggage? Well, not just mental. I thought about how I would really have to clean up my act a bit. Lose some more weight, take care of some other vanity issues and do something with the house, or maybe leave the house the way it is and rent an apartment and pretend I lived there. LOL.

As for the mental baggage, hey, I still miss my soulmate. I miss him always and sometimes with a deep deep ache and sometimes with just a sigh of sadness.

Things I try to imagine is putting my arms around another guy. Kissing. I mean really deep throat kissing. I don't know. It may be really tough and I don't know if there is a guy nice enough to stick with and work with me and get me thru it. It must be hard running up against a memory. And then of course, if I am smart I will get drunk enough so it won't matter or in a more predictable way, I will get drunk enough to try and then can see myself crying. Bleh.

All kinds of scenarios run thru my head and they basically end with me not being able to find a man that is patient, loving and willing to overlook all my flaws the way Jim did. And the way I did of his flaws, to see the beauty in ourselves. He boosted my confidence in my self image. That is self image I have of myself is part of the baggage that has to be dealt with.

I am not Iron Woman, I don't want to live alone. So, I will go to movies, share a laugh and think about what is coming next.

May Flowers

2010-05-15T10:22:00.000-04:00

My Mom was always into gardening. I love to garden, but I am into the pots and flower boxes rather than in the ground planting. Probably because of my blackish green thumb that doesn't do well with setting up flower or vegatable gardens. Usually it all goes to waste because I don't maintain it. A flower pot or flower box in the backyard is a lot easier. If I have a few pots and one doesn't grow, I can take that one out of the mix and replant in the pot.

I am having fun with Morning Glories this year. I got a pot with five starter shoots and set it next to the fence where there is a lattice. I have been letting them grow and then wrapping the ends around the lattice to twist them and make it thicker.

I saw this in a magazine (see the pic on the right) and mine is not nearly as thick as this now, the way it is growing, it will be soon! I think that will be a wonderful dash of color to the side of the privacy fence that right now is worn down faded brown wood. I also contemplate painting the fence but haven't gotten the energy together for that.

We are having both May showers and May flowers around here. I like both.

Happy Mom!

2010-05-09T19:06:00.002-04:00

It's Sunday, and Mother's day. I miss Mom.

Yesterday was the 9th anniversary of her passing and it was a tough day. I look around the house and see things the remind me of her - things I do now that I remember her doing.

There are little things like color and furniture styles and bigger things like the impulse to decide at breakfast that it would be a good day to go for a ride instead of doing the chores around the house. I will admit there is my Dad as an influence in my house also. That would be the packratedness of the rooms, though I am trying to squelch that and clean things up. My sister and I talked about this and she was saying that she feels her gardening is a trait she got from mom. We would have large vegatable gardens in the back every year. Mom would use the veggies for meals but also would do canning of the tomatoes and such for the rest of the year.

My sister went to visit my Mom's grave yesterday and put some flowers there. Mom is buried in the same cemetary as my grandfather and grandmother and several other generations from that side of the family. Today, while cleaning and going through some boxes that had never been sorted out from our move, I found a small tin that has some of my Mom's ashes in it. I looked at it and thought about taking them up to the Susquenhanna River near Harrisburg where she was born. She told me that it was on that river in a canoe on a sunday afternoon that my dad proposed to her. Then I thought about my tattoo with some of Jim's ashes in it and now am considering maybe a small tattoo in her honor with some of her ashes. I have to think about it for a bit to figure out just what would be right.

The photos I have looked at today of my Mom were fun. I pulled out an album that had some from her childhood - it is interesting to compare pictures of her with those of me, my sister and my nieces. There are family resemblances and that is comforting.

Happy Mother's Day!

When I close my eyes

2010-05-07T13:11:00.000-04:00

So many songs touch my inner core when I hear them. This one gave me chills. There are so many things I didn't say. Each line was written as if I had written it and describes my missing Jim. To see him when I close my eyes, to hear his laugh and feel his touch again.

Embedding

2010-05-06T20:37:00.000-04:00

Wheeee!!!!

I finally learned how to post a video from Youtube.

My world has just expanded! This is going to be fun.

New York and Breathing

2010-05-04T19:07:00.000-04:00

Well I made it through the first week of May.

Barely.

I have been experiencing crazy allergy symptoms this year. It is new for me and dealing with the sinus headaches, congestion, runny nose and now sore eyes has been pretty stressful. I didn't know which way to turn. I have had a couple friends tell me that their spring allergies didn't hit them till they were older also. I am going to be really mad at my body if it makes me endur this every year. Bleh!!

I spent last weekend in Manhattan. That was fun. I went up to visit a friend and his wife who live on Long Island. We all walked around, saw some touristy stuff and some not so touristy, but still fun stuff. It was a nice weekend getaway. I even got an "I love New York" t-shirt.

It was in New York City that the allergy problems really hit me. It was a surprise.

2 plus 11

2010-04-29T07:56:00.000-04:00

Yep. 2 years and 11 months since Jim has been gone.

I have said it before, and will say it again, but some days it feels like just yesterday and some days it feels like forever and sometimes I look up from the computer thinking I hear his step coming thru the front door and I wait, breathless for a second, to hear the 'hello' he always yelled out and then his 'oh hi boy' in a lower voice as he would pet Merc and Tigg and Fig while they greeted him, and it gave me a minute to run down the stairs. Then, wrapping my arms around his neck and ignoring bags and coats and anything else, just to let him know I missed him.

Yep, sometimes.

The house gets quiet and I don't mean to, but I do, I wait to hear him stirring downstairs. If I can think that then maybe I can think he isn't really gone. I catch myself doing this, then shaking my head, a little smile and feeling sad, silly and wondering why it still happens. Though, honestly, I don't know that I mind it.

Memory land

2010-04-28T21:17:00.004-04:00

Hanging some photos in the office tonight was a nice trip thru memory lane. I put some up of Jim and I, but also of my family. I found a few of my siblings and me as kids from when I was putting together a memory board for my Dad's memorial service. I have them up and it is neat to see the years fade and remember my life back when I was a kid. Me with the funky hair style and the big 80's style glasses. My brother with his hockey gear on. Best of all was the christmas card photo from 1972 with my family all standing on the stairwell in our house holding garland. These blasts from the past are a fun time travel.

Sorting through some of my Dad's old things I found a card that I sent him with my high school graduation picture in it. Also there was maybe 8 more wallet size pictures of me, from first grade till high school. Not every year, but most of them. All I can say as I look at them is Oh my God. In two of them I have red bandannas around my neck, in 4 I have wire rim granny glasses and in 3 I have hair styles I shouldn't have walked out the door with.

I don't mind remembering. I love going back in my head to various times in my life. I have another wall in the office that will be for friends. My Blues Brothers, my Jedi Knight, the TCF peeps and Dalpals. It is a nice reminder of life.

One of those Saturdays, or maybe not

2010-04-18T14:39:00.003-04:00

It could only get better you know. Saturday started with a list of things to do and I figure a run up to sam's club and go from there. Sam's club was a total clusterfuck. I am going to vent so you can skip ahead if you want.

I forgot my card so I had to get a temp. one. No big deal, it has happened before. I get in line for customer service and am waiting patiently, suddenly a lady walks in from the side and goes up the counter and she gets helped next. I sigh and think about saying something but then figure that will be a okay. Then the other CSR gets done and a man sidles in with a receipt from the tire place and she takes care of him......I am getting upset now. Internally. The wisps of steam from my ears may have scared the guy behind me off or maybe he just got tired of waiting. Finally get helped and I mention the two people ahead of me and the woman just looks at me like I have three heads. Okay, shopping goes well, I go to pay and am told the card number written down doesn't work. Argh. I lose it and push the cart into some water (nothing spilling) and go off to Customer Service. The same woman is there and doesn't understand what is wrong. All the numbers are right to her. A look at my driver's license and she says, oh, it should be okay now. I tell her great, she can check me out here. She starts to say no and I say yes. Yes, you can. She did.

On my way out I am asked if I would like to fill out a survey. I smile savagely and say sure...oh boy will that be fun!

Then the day starts to turn. I look down and see 2 gift cards in the parking lot. One for a local restaurant and one for Target. Must have dropped out of someones wallet when they put the sam's club card away. I scooped them up and then asked the different people in our parking row. No one was missing them. Well, finders keepers. Sorry there was NO WAY I was going back in sam's club.

I went on to get lunch and found my favorite bar-b-que was packed and I was too hungry to wait. It was off to find a fastfood place. Argh. I was looking forward to some pulled pork. Oh well. "Be flexible" I kept chanting to myself.

Then I saw a couple of tweens holding up signs for a free car wash at the gas station. I scooted in and got to watch the kids working on the car. I donated $10 bucks to their goal of getting to a summer church retreat.

Okay things were changing for the better. I went home, settled down outside with a book and a dog and relaxed. In the afternoon on saturdays the local Baptist church at the end of the block has a band or choir practice or something where you can hear the drums and sometimes the songs. I enjoy doing stuff in the yard so I can listen.

I found out this morning that the Target card has $5.24 on it and the card for the restaurant has $50.00. I guess a nice dinner will make up for the farce at Sam's club. Though, I wonder if I can call the restuarant and find out who bought it.

Weekends are so much fun and so short. I think a three day weekend should be the norm. A day to do errands and chores, a day for home repairs and one for just plain fun. Sounds good to me.

Basements

2010-04-16T14:27:00.003-04:00

These stuff in the house, I need to go thru it and that is just so tough. The last week has been a slow pick thru of things to determined what to send to the trash or yard sale or what to keep. It is better this year than it was last year but there is still things of Jim's that I just don't want to lose yet.

I am learning to make decisions and choose 3 things and let the other 10 things go to the dump. This helps.

Talking to my neighbor, who is also a widow, told me that she can't bear to part with any of her husband items yet. It's only been one year and she says it is just too soon. I am approaching three years and it is getting easier to filter what to keep and what to let go.

My basement has quite a few boxes of knick knacks and such that I need to go thru....again. I went thru them all once and got rid of some stuff, but I think I need to make it smaller once again. I just have to tell myself that I really DON'T need those items. That is the tough part.

I want to run to you.....

2010-04-11T10:01:00.002-04:00

The Bodyguard (1992)

I know that when you look at me
Theres so much that you just don´t see
But if you´d only take the time
I know in my heart you would find
Oh, a girl, who has scared sometimes
Who is not always strong
Can´t you see the hurt in me
I feel so all alone

CHORUS
I want to run to you
I want to run to you
Won´t ya hold me in your arms & keep me safe from harm
I want to run to you
But if I come to you
Tell me will you stay
Or will you run away

Each day, each day I play the role
Of someone always in control
But at night I come home & turn the key
Theres nobody there, no one cares for me
Oh woah what´s the sense of trying hard to find your dreams
Without someone to share them with
Tell me what does it mean

CHORUS

Run away, no
I need you here I need you here to wipe away my tears
To kiss away my fears
No if you only knew how much I want to run to you
Ya know I want to run to you
Won´t ya hold me in your arms & keep me safe from harm
I want to run to you
But if I come to you
Tell me will you stay
Or will you run away
-------------------------------------------

Irony is so much fun!!

I am spending the weekend rearranging furniture and pulling open bags that haven't been touched in a long time. One bag opened to reveal Jim's shoes. A pair of dress shoes, sandals, an awesome pair of boots he used for his costumes and sneakers. Yep. Sneakers that meant he could run. Run to me. Or me to him. To kiss away all my fears. And hold me in his arms.

One of my problems with just giving all his stuff to goodwill is not just that I am losing a part of him...but rather because it seems a waste. I would love to find one of my friends to help by giving him some new shoes. Then I would know in my head/heart that the things weren't just fading off into the mainstream world but rather helping someone I knew. I have given lots of his clothing to some homeless men in my neighborhood that were in need. That made me feel like it wasn't just a blanket 'giving it away' but rather to help, to know.

Anyone need some size 10 1/2 running shoes?

Dipping toes in the pool

2010-04-08T21:31:00.002-04:00

Testing the water as it were.

In a couple days my niece and finacee are coming to help me rearrange my office and bedroom space. This may be the start of more reworking in the house. Things that have needed to be done and been put off for 3 years. If I can get thru this weekend with no major meltdowns, then there is a possiblity that the other things can get done too. I am going to try and with family and friends around it may not be an issue. It's usually the afterwards, after everyone has gone home, that is the problem.

I want to stand with you on a mountain

2010-03-29T22:49:00.009-04:00

Savage Garden - Truly Madly Deeply

I'll be your dream,
I'll be your wish
I'll be your fantasy.
I'll be your hope,
I'll be your love
be everything that you need.
I love you more with every breath
truly madly deeply do..
I will be strong I will be faithful
cause I'm counting on
A new beginning.
A reason for living.
A deeper meaning.

I want to stand with you on a mountain.
I want to bathe with you in the sea.
I want to lay like this forever.
Until the sky falls down on me...

And when the stars are shining
brightly in the velvet sky,
I'll make a wish send it to heaven
then make you want to cry..
the tears of joy for all the pleasure
and the certainty
that we're surrounded by the comfort
and protection of..
the highest power.
In lonely hours.
The tears devour you..

I want to stand with you on a mountain,
I want to bathe with you in the sea.
I want to lay like this forever,
Until the sky falls down on me...

Oh can't you see it baby?
You don't have to close your eyes
Cause it's standing right before you.
All that you need will surely come...

I'll be your dream
I'll be your wish
I'll be your fantasy.
I'll be your hope
I'll be your love
be everything that you need.
I'll love you more with every breath
truly madly deeply do...

I want to stand with you on a mountain,
I want to bathe with you in the sea.
I want to lay like this forever,
Until the sky falls down on me...

I want to stand with you on a mountain,
I want to bathe with you in the sea.
I want to lay like this forever,
Until the sky falls down on me...

Heard this song on the radio this morning. I haven't heard it in years. It came out the summer that Jim and I met/started dating.

I started singing and got louder and louder. You know that singing you do in the shower or the car when no one is around to hear the missed notes. That was me this morning.

Today is 2 years and 10 months since Jim has been gone.

Eat for a dollar a day

2010-03-25T21:39:00.003-04:00

Eating on just a dollar day?

I was reading this blog about a couple that decided to try and eat for a month on just one dollar each per day. Now this was interesting because they did a lot of home baking, some dumpster diving and visiting places like Costco that had hand out food. They said they did have some basic rules and one was not to ramen unless absolutely necessary.

They wanted to see if Americans could do it and as such let go of their processed, corn syrup filled, fast food. Each day they blogged and talked about what they ate and how much each meal cost.

The trick was.....they were able to afford to buy bulk of some basics like oatmeal, corn, rice, peanut butter, flour and beans. They started the experiment with a few gallons of each. So, at breakfast they would have .08 cents of oatmeal and some hot tea. A PBJ for lunch with homemade bread and maybe some burritos with refried beans and veggies for dinner. Even starting out with the bulk materials, being able to make healthy and tasty meals took some doing. If interested, here is there blog - http://onedollardietproject.wordpress.com/

I found the comments people gave to be more interesting then the blog itself.

Reading is fundemental

2010-03-21T08:36:00.004-04:00

What kind of reader are you? For that matter, do you still read books or just kindle or just wait for it to come out as a movie?

I have been reading for about 40 or more years. As a young child my parents would read to me at night. My dad was great at doing the different voices of characters. This is a side that he wouldn't show to the real world but for us kids to entertain us as we went to sleep.

The small town I grew up in had a nice library on main street. We were in smalltown usa and main street had shops and the post office and library and movie theatre. Living about 4 blocks from the main street made it easy to grab a bike and ride down on a Saturday morning. The ritual was to start at one end of the street to work your way down to the library.

One end held the 5&10 store, with half being grown up stuff like material and yarn and some clothing and the other half being a plethora of small wood bins with things like army men and candy and children's bracelet and necklaces and little dolls and balls and cars and jacks and marbles and just about anything a kid in the 60's could need. And no I don't mean a flower child, but just your cut and dry 8 yr old. Next stop was the other store to get candy or toys. That was the drug store and it was more expensive, so usually it was a go in and look deal. Next could be the movie theatre and an afternoon of Disney fun. I saw lots of them there before they ever hit the tv or vhs or dvd. Finally the Library.

My brothers and sister were never into the library as much as I was. I grew tired of the kids books and worked my way in to the teen section of books and then later even the adult section (that sounds so perverted when I say adult section, but I don't mean the porn area (not that there was one) but rather novels, bios and non fiction). My mom guided me in this area. She and my Dad also loved to read and she always found some really interesting books that I would then see around the house and pick up to read. Taylor Caldwell, Asimov, Shirley Jackson (but not the horror, it was Life Among the Savages), Madeleine L'Engle and others. I had some favorites that thanks to the scholastic book service, I still own today - The Great Brain My side of the Mountain, The trolley car family, Light a Single Candle are ones I can see right now on the shelf.

One thing with me and books is that if I find a book I really love, I will keep it and reread it. Some of them at least once a year I will pull them off the shelf. Some not for five years. Unfortunately for my shelves, which are pretty full, some books I just want around in case I ever decide to reread them. Oh and to be fair, some do go to the used book store or to other friends when I finish them. There are some books I enjoy, I want to read again, know that I own them, can't find them ANYWHERE in the house....so I go buy another copy at the local used book store. And then of course, find the original copy. Also what has happened is that I have a series of a favorite author - Marion Zimmer Bradley for example, and I see a few of them at the thrift store, so I think "gee my nieces would love this" and I buy them. I am glad when my nieces come back to tell me how much they did enjoy the books.

I have had people tell me how strange it is that I can reread a book. Maybe it is my memory disability, but I like to think of it as finding something new in the book each time I read it, or reliving a story with old friends or maybe just enjoying the cadence of the words the author puts out. Oh and I do this with movies also. I like to rewatch my favorite movies much the same way.

I hit a lull in book buying a few years ago. I couldn't find any new authors that tweaked my interest, so I reread the ones on my shelves and waited for the Next in the Series of a couple of favorite authors. Last year I joined an online book club and they talked about some new books that I picked up. Some I read and said 'eh' , but a couple now I have been entranced by and have been scrabbling to get the next in the series (if there is one).

When I wake up, I will read for a few minutes. When I fall asleep, I read before the turning the light out. I can read in the car/bus/train/plane. I read while I am eating. Jim and I meshed in this way perfectly. He was not a book reader, but rather a comic reader. Which was fine. Sometimes he would have his comics at the table, and I would read my book. No big deal that we weren't talking - because we had talked before or would after - we were comfortable. We both would read in bed for a little while. It was a calming, end of the day way to relax.

I love to read in the backyard with the temperature at the perfect 70 and no humidity and just a summer breeze making it all perfect. I could do that one for hours. In fact, it is going to be like that today. I think I am going to grab my newest book and go for a read.

Community garden

2010-03-07T08:29:00.004-05:00

Sunday morning and it is community service day. This is not imposed on me by any judge, but rather a commitment I made to myself a couple years ago.

The neighborhood association that I am a member of, actually on the Board of directors for, does a lot of neighborhood clean up. In the Urban community it is important to keep on top of that. We go out once a month or so and work on cleaning a few alleys or working in a community garden or planting some trees. The last is fun. It is called Guerilla Gardening. Not approved by the City, but done with the hopes to make the city a greener place.

Today we are attacking a section of land that right now is weeds and concrete. A house was there, it burned down, the city tore it down and has left the spot vacant for many years now. We are going in to break up the concrete, dig up some ground and put in some community garden boxes. These are large 5 x 10 wood frames that allow us to put in a good topsoil and then plant vegatables.

Our neighborhood has one community garden already and it is a succcess. Neighbors can pay $15.00 and plant what they want in some of the boxes and then reap the benefits from the 'community' ones that usually have basics like tomatoes and cucumbers and such.

We got some of my husbands fathers tools. He has this great rod that Jim called the concrete cracker. I think it is actually a railroad tie "Gandie" a rod that is round up top and then becomes square ending with a wedge. It was used by RR workers to wedge under a railroad tie and lever them into place. There were about 8 Frat boys there and they were sledgehammering the concrete. The rod helped and it was neat to see it being used. That may sound odd, but I was just glad to offer it to help out.

I went back in the evening and they made some real progress. We should have a garden in just a few weeks.

The snow is now brown

2010-03-04T14:00:00.002-05:00

The almost 50 inches of snow we had here has dwindled down to a soggy brown in my backyard. Some of the brown in mud and some is dog poo that had been buried by the 50 inches.

Guess what I am doing this weekend. Oh boy. I am pulling out the gardening shovels now.

I also decided to rearrange the house a bit. Move some of the furniture that is upstairs and maybe paint the downstairs Kitchen and Living room. That may be my April/May projects. So in the two rooms upstairs the office/closet/library and the bedroom I have things split up. Some clothes are in dressers and rolling closets in both rooms and some books are in both rooms. I want to move all the clothes into one room and all the books into one room. But to be odd, I want the clothes in the front office room and all the books could be in the bedroom.

None of that may make sense without pictures or drawings, but I can see it all in my mind so that is all that really counts!!

I also want to find someone to help me put some brick down in the backyard where now there is just mud and sometimes there is grass. I would love to open the space up and make it like a patio.

I told myself back in 2007 when Jim died that I wanted to move. I still do. I am still trying to get rid of stuff but I guess I am also trying to make the place easier for me to live here.

Farpoint 2010

2010-02-19T09:32:00.003-05:00

The Farpoint 2010 Science Fiction media convention was this past weekend.

This is the first convention when I was actually had official things to do - I was the Public Relations committee chair. Prior to the convention I tried to let as much of the fan world know about the convention coming up. Writing up press releases, visiting websites and contacting bloggers about promoting Farpoint. Once there I worked with the press on arranging interviews with our guest stars.

Oh the guest stars! We had Felicia Day from "Dr. Horrible's sing-along blog" and if you have no idea what that is - google it and then try to watch a copy. It is a wonderful movie/video/? that Joss Whedon wrote and produced and directed while there was a writer's strike in Hollywood. Neil Patrick Harris and Nathan Finnan are also in it.

We also had Lee Arenberg from Pirates of the Caribbean and man was he a hoot!! That is a man that is great to listen to with his stories of growing up beside the 80's rat pack and working with Johnny Depp. He was a wonderful guest.

Best of all for me, was Mira Furlan. She played Danielle Roussou in my favorite tv show LOST. Her character was nicknamed Crazy French woman. Anyway, in person she was a wonderfully elegant woman with an incredibly sexy voice. And I got to sit in the same room with her. At the end of the session I asked the interviewer to take a pic with the two of us.

The whole convention went well even though I was in the throes of a cold (see previous blog entry) and blowing my nose a lot. The hotel was great to all of us and put up with Klingons at the bar, robots in the lobby, debates on who is geekier Sheldon or Leonard and general fun and pandamonium that ensues at a con.

And yes. I missed having a partner to enjoy the moments of the con with. I had fun, but it still is more fun to share. For someone else to see you jump up and down and squeal privately in your hotel room after actually meeting a LOST character. This is one more of the reasons I blog. To share.

Addiction

2010-02-18T11:32:00.001-05:00

This has been the week of the cold. Not the cold weather but my cold - runny or stuffy nose kind of cold.

Not bad, but sometimes coughing, always blowing my nose and with my voice sounding a bit funny. I never went to see the doctor and just when I feel I am past it, like yesterday, it flares back up. I keep telling myself this is not me. I don't usually get sick. I mean, when it first started I went to my medicine cabinet and pulled out some dayquill. The expiration date on the side of the box was 3/2008 - that tells you 1) how long it has been since I checked in there and 2)how much even longer it has been since I needed it.

How much mucus can a human body create? I have gone thru a couple boxes of tissues. THANK YOU Mr. Kleenex for this invention. Or maybe it was Ms. Puff's. History is not quite sure about that.

Anyway, most of the fight with the cold has been nasal. Now many years ago I had something like this and my doctor suggested Nasal Spray before coming in to see him. That was back in the days when doctors talked to you without charging you. So I used the Nasal Spray and was able to breathe. I liked this. Then I stopped using it and my sinuses sort got stuffy again. I used it again. This was a repeat for many weeks. I realized at some point I was addicted to the spray and I weaned myself off of it. I am sure it has something to do with my nasal passages not being very well made and getting enough oxygation which has always been my main excuse for my mental incapacity. So, now, many years later I find myself in this loop again. I want to breathe. I use the spray and yesterday I realized that I had to use more to get it to work. Oh my. My need is becoming stronger. The addiction is back. Last night, I decided, that's it. I was going to wean myself off of it again, even if it meant blowing half my body fluid out my nose and losing the skin around my nostrils from chaffing.

I am going to fight this thing. I can do it.

Valentine's Day

2010-02-14T13:57:00.000-05:00

Thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new.
I thought about you yesterday, and days before that too.
I think of you in silence, I often speak your name .
All I have are memories and a picture in a frame.
Your memory is a keepsake, with which i'll never part.
God has you now in Heaven, I have you in my heart.

Jim, I miss you. I am moving forward but still waiting to see you walk around the corner, home from a long day at work and yet, a smile on your face as the dogs greet you and the cat wraps himself around you and I give you a hug.

Grey's Anatomy

2010-02-08T22:56:00.000-05:00

My mom watched Dr. Kildare and Medical Center. She started me on General Hospital, but E.R. was my medical show of choice.

My niece shared her love of Grey's Anatomy with me. I have watched a few episodes and was skimming thru TV.com and this caught my eye.

Surviving a Crisis - from Grey's Anatomy -

This quote came from Grey's Anatomy Season 5's Episode 19. It made me stop and think and it is about surviving a crisis.

The quote is part of what Derek tells Meredith when giving her reasons why he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.

If there is a crisis, you don't freeze, you move forward.
You get the rest of us to move forward, because you've seen worse.
You've survived worse and you know--we'll survive too.

This quote really hit home for me as it would for anyone who has survived a major loss. It is a beautiful testament to survivors. "You get the rest of us to move forward, because you've seen worse."

I can't help but think how many times in the past this would have inspired me to keep moving forward.

2010-02-07T23:01:00.004-05:00

It happened in 2003. And again in 2009. And now once more in 2010.

Snow. Lots and lots of snow! We got hit with 28". Starting on Friday around noon and snowing non stop thru till sometime late Saturday afternoon. It felt like a week in just 24 hours. The change in our neighborhood was amazing. There was not just the snow that had fallen but also strong winds causing incredible drifts and Saturday morning around 3 am we heard thunder snowstorm. An anomaly that only occurs in very serious storms. I would have slept through it but Tigger gratiously woke me up by barking at each roll of thunder.

The city was pretty much shut down on Saturday. Planes, trains and buses were not moving, city plows were just barely out and they issued warnings to stay inside. I didn't go out but did watch it's progression on TV and shared photos and news with friends on the internet. Sometime late Saturday I looked out to see the what the snow accumulation was and saw instead blue sky.

Tigger loves the snow and wants to be out in it as much as possible. She will face the cold paws for the fun of dancing in the snow!

Friday night around 9 pm - it looks so peaceful. Just a few inches.

Saturday morning.

My backyard.

Our street had no city plow come thu and we were the only hope of getting cars out for Monday or Tuesday. The neighbors got together on Sunday and we all worked on digging out. We got a good portion of the street done but not all the cars were able to get out. We tried to be systematic and ask who absolutely needed to go out and who could stay for a day or so. The neigbhors were all cheerful, helpful and worked together. It was a nice afternoon even with all the digging!

Another widow speaks

2010-01-28T00:07:00.001-05:00

I read this and needed to post.

"I can still feel his hand in mine"
Marc Royce

For the first time since her husband Patrick Swayze lost his battle with cancer, Lisa Niemi talks about their poignant last two years together and the amazing lifetime of love they shared.

I always knew Patrick was a tough guy, but I don't think I ever really saw the depth of his strength until he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. He should have been dead after five weeks, but he fought for 22 months. He was still shooting his new TV series, The Beast, working 12- to 15-hour days 11 months into his illness. He was going through chemotherapy but refused to take any pain medication that would interfere with his performance. He was one tough critter, and the way he handled the illness and the discomfort from it was unbelievable and amazed even me.

I was a socially awkward 15-year-old when I first met Patrick at his mother's dance studio in Houston. I was a bit of a hippie, part of this outsider crowd. Patrick was the opposite, the quintessential all-American jock. He was the golden boy ? an acclaimed football player, gymnast, and dancer ? but I wasn't too impressed with that stuff. He always seemed like a show-off to me, a little too full of himself.

But the first time we danced together, it was like magic. And actually it was at that moment, when we looked into each other's eyes, that I knew he was special. I used to think I would get married in my 30s. But I was fresh out of high school when Patrick proposed to me ? I couldn't believe it. And he wouldn't take no for an answer. You have to know Patrick, but he is relentless with everything he does and goes after. And truthfully, there was a part of me that felt, Okay, I'll do this now, but if it doesn't work, I can get divorced later. But little did I know that even then, he knew me better than I knew myself, and it was only a short time later that I remember thanking him for making me marry him.

"We never gave up"

I have this wonderful memory from last year of being with Patrick in the apartment we were renting that overlooked the lake in Chicago, where The Beast was being shot. Patrick had just finished another round of chemo and a 15-hour workday. There was this beautiful music playing, and Patrick took me in his arms and we just started dancing. It was a simple, delicious moment of being in each other's arms and feeling how wonderful it was to be alive. It was one of the best dances I've ever had in my life with Patrick.

When The Beast finished shooting and we came back to Los Angeles, our primary focus became his treatments. I had schedules and doctor visits and chemo treatments and pills to administer several times a day. He occasionally had those "why me?" moments, but he never complained or felt sorry for himself. He was a very spiritual person and into Eastern philosophy, but it wasn't any of this, "I'm going to heaven to sing on a cloud." He's extremely willful and always has done that mind-over-matter thing. It's one of the reasons I believe he survived advanced cancer for as long as he did.

I never wanted to cry around him, but he caught me a few times. He knew how I was feeling. We didn't talk that much about dying or how I was feeling, because to acknowledge that was to acknowledge the end. I'm sure there was a part of Patrick that worried he was letting me down by leaving and that he wasn't going to be around to protect me. Patrick was fighting for his life and working so hard at it, and I just wanted the love I could give him to be perfect. I can look back at our whole relationship and wish I'd been perfect ? but I'm not. That doesn't stop me from wishing. But the beauty of our marriage was that it wasn't about being perfect; it was about the imperfections.

People have always asked me, "What's your secret to this long and happy Hollywood marriage?" which I know is unusual. Someone recently asked me why we even mentioned our separation in the book. [While Patrick worked to recover from alcohol addiction, he and Lisa separated briefly, which they talk about in their book, The Time of My Life .] And we did because it was real and that was part of our figuring things out and getting to a new place together. We worked very hard at our relationship. But the fact is, anyone can work hard at a relationship, but if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. I do think if two people really love each other, which we did, you can work things out. And even though we were different as individuals, we were also very much the same. We had a lot of common interests ? horses, flying, the ranch, and the lifestyle we led. We also were both the kind of people who never, ever gave up on anything we had set our minds on doing, and most important, we never gave up on each other.

"Healing will happen in time"

I thought I had been preparing those last 22 months for Patrick's passing, but looking back, all the sadness and grief that had come before he passed away now looks like an intellectual concept. Honestly, the kind of grief I experienced after Patrick was gone was literally on a cellular level. It's something deep inside your body that you have no control over. I can still feel the contour of his hand in mine. Sometimes when I'm driving on the freeway, I feel like I can just look over and see him sitting beside me like he did when I would take him to his chemo treatments. I'd put the pedal to the metal in our car and he'd break out into this big, mischievous grin. And I'd reach over and grab his hand and it was wonderful. Even though we'd be on our way to chemo, we both savored those moments.

What I would most like is to hear Patrick's voice again. I recently went to a birthday party for a dear friend, and it was my first outing alone. When I got home that night and Patrick wasn't there, I kept telling myself, He's on location; that's why he's not here to greet me. I wanted to pick up the phone, like I've done so many times before, and call him so I could hear his voice. Or I'll just be going about my life and want to tell him something, or I expect him to be in the stable and I realize he's not here. It's still very difficult.

There are a lot of firsts these days that I am experiencing without Patrick, and those make me miss him the most. The smallest things can trigger it ? coming home to the house for the first time alone, the first rain, the holidays, or just going onto a freeway entrance without him for the first time. It's going to take time to adjust to every one.

My friends have made all the difference in the world; they give me strength. One night recently, I was going into a full-blown panic attack in the middle of the night, and just dialing one friend's number helped calm me down. I can't imagine what it's like for people who have lost a loved one and have no one to talk to. People cannot just walk around with these types of feelings and not share them or they will implode. Sometimes I think the pain is beginning to pass, and I'll marvel at that and say, Wow, I'm really doing great, only to remember that two hours earlier I was dissolved in tears on the floor.

I would like to believe that if I were really, really courageous, I would find a way to go on and be better than before ? even without Patrick. That would take tremendous courage, because in a strange way, I feel like that would be a betrayal to him. When I've mentioned this to my friends, they've said, "Now, wait a minute. Do you really think that's what Patrick would want?" Patrick was always very proud of my strength, and I think he would want me to prove that he was right about me.

I'm a type A personality; I get things done and I put high expectations on myself, on an emotional level as well. But in this case, I've come to realize that the healing is going to happen in its own time. I've lowered my self-expectations for the time being. If I feel I should be doing something, I will try and do it, but if I run out of steam, it's okay to stop.

Life is not fair, death is not fair, but it's not personal in either case. I saw death coming a week away. It was just standing there waiting. I could rant and rave, but it doesn't matter. So I say we should do the things that will make our lives fuller and happier. We have to make our own ride.

I finally convinced myself to go to our New Mexico ranch recently, which has always been a very special place for the two of us, and I had a completely different reaction to it than I thought I would. The moment I set foot inside the house, it was like I was seeing it with new eyes. I realized it was still our home, and there was an unexpected comfort there for me. It felt so beautiful, serene and peaceful, and I remember sitting on our porch and saying to myself, See, there's nothing to be afraid of. I saw Patrick there in the most loving and positive way. And it was like he was sitting on my shoulder saying, "Look at what we built together here."

Isn't it ironic?

2010-01-23T09:21:00.003-05:00

This will be an odd memory blog today. I got reminded of some things when a friend was talking to me and I don't think she understood just how much I miss Jim, even the things that used to drive me crazy. She was asked, "But aren't you pleased you don't have to put up with ___ any more?" and a question like that, well it made me feel worse, not better. She didn't mean in harm, I think it was more trying to understand why certain things affect me the way they do.

There were lots of things that Jim would do that would annoy me. Oh god I miss them. His arm over my ribs as we sleep and I would swear I couldn't breathe. I would push it off and then it would creep back. I would lay there and try to stand it as long as I could, knowing it was there in love and comfort...but I couldn't breathe...and now I laugh and cry at myself for ever thinking it was annoying.

He would do this really creepy voice from that evil guy in silence of the lambs "clareese..." with that inflection the actor had and it would freak me out and then he would laugh. And I would punch his shoulder. I miss punching his shoulder. /sigh/ My niece has taken over the role of freaking me out with this now. I called her the other day and she said it to me. I got both goose bumps and chills. And wet eyes thinking about Jim.

Jim had his own spot on the couch. If I sat there then he came in, well, I would have to move. Or if he sat somewhere else he would just be waiting for me to get up and he would jump in the spot. When I came back he would just look at me like "what?".

Then there was the butt crack deal. This is way too much information, but I am going to get it out anyway. So we are spooning in bed. He snuggles up to my back and things are pressed against my butt. Not in an erotic way, but more just a snuggle way. And, for some reason, this would make me need to fart. Just a quick one. I guess it was kind of like the arm over the ribs. My body wouldn't ignore it. Once I got the gas that I didn't even know was there out, it was fine. After I first lost Jim and even occasionally still when I am depressed I will push his pillow up against me. Not the same affect, but still a bit comforting.

And something I thought was annoying but now really miss, was his OCD'ing about clothes. Clean clothes and putting them away and ironing them and the like. It came from his time spent in the Navy and how they had to have everything neat and tidy. We learned very quickly that he was the ironer and such. My closet shows my lack of his tidiness now. Oh and the iron? I think it has been used once in the last 2 1/2 years. And that was by my friend Thomas to help me with a costume. As annoying as it was, if I could now, I would love to see Jim setting up the ironing board right now.

Isn't it ironic?

The things we take for granted. The things that even though they annoy us, they come with the package of the man. I know I have written about the things like this that I loved about Jim and endeared me to him. And god knows there are things that I did to annoy him. But we were a team. Together we filled what was missing in the other.

Once more

2010-01-20T23:39:00.001-05:00

There with you

Keep my memory with you,
For memories never die;
I will be there with you,

When you look across the sky.
I will be there in the clouds,
In the birds that fill the air;
In the beauty of a fragrant rose,
You will find my memory there.

You'll feel me in the tenderness,
Of a tiny baby's touch;
You will hear me if you listen,
In the twilight's gentle hush.

When your heart is heavy,
And you feel that you're alone;
Just reach down deep inside of you
For your heart is now my home.

I will always be with you,
I will never go away;
For I will live on in your heart,
Forever and a day.

~ author unknown

Malcolm in the Middle

2010-01-17T07:57:00.000-05:00

Everytime I watch Malcolm in the Middle I ache a lttle. You know that silly sitcom from a few years ago that you can watch 3 times in one day now. Well, Jim was Hal to my Lois. We didn't have the kids but we had the problems, the love, the fights and the resolutions.

I have a mini-crush on the Hal guy. I mean, it's because he reminds me of Jim. Older trying to be younger and recapture youth. He's a do it yourselfer that never quite does it right. Struggling with work and getting so caught up in the process of trying to pay bills and keep it together. Keeping his LP's instead of giving them up for the cd's or teaching his sons how to roller skate and getting into his old costume.

And his love for Lois. I love that whenever they can, they are wanting to make love. They look at each other and I get shivers. That is how it should be. Marriage I mean. A touch, a glance and you are tossing clothes off to merge as one. Sure there are arguments and disagreements on what to do with that piece of furniture or the shrubbery in the yard or even whether to pay the mortgage or the electric bills. But the love is there. As it was for us. I am happy without the added drama of 5 boys, the sitcom can keep them. But the love is worth it.

A Jim Thing

2010-01-10T21:33:00.000-05:00

I have tried to do some particularly "Jim" things this week.

Simple things like giving some change to the guy at the redlight that has the 'homeless vet' cardboard sign, putting up the storm windows in the screen doors (and cussing as I did it), and eating some of his favorite foods.

One thing that I was happy to be able to do was help a friend - a friend from a messageboard online I visit everyday, but have only met her once, anyway she lives in georgia and her home got decimated by the floods a few weeks back. She was mentioning how she was computerless and using her sisters just sporatically. I have Jim's old laptop that I haven't used since he died. I decided to help someone else, like he would have, and sent it down to her.

It was something he would have done. He was always helping others in need. He would grumble about it but he never thought to not help. In little ways like giving some money, or finding clothes or furniture, or just helping someone move something and most importantly, he would help if someone was feeling down and just need a boost, a friend to talk to, or such. He helped others get jobs when he was able to hire them and often I don't think he even realized he was doing it, it was just his nature.

So my friend was basically clotheless, living in her sisters basement and had just started a new job. Some of the messageboard people (the ones that, like me are there all the time) well, we all helped her in various ways. I sent her my laptop, another friend sent her a camera to document damage and another sent her a box of clothing....little by little the whole message board helped her and one guy set up a paypal donation spot and in a month we had almost 2500.00 for her. Even nicer, several of them lived near enough to go visit. It made me feel good to be a part of it.

It is what friends do for each other. In real life and in the internet world.

And Jim would have liked it.

Sky blue and black

2010-01-02T14:51:00.000-05:00

I watched a movie called Reign over Me. With Adam Sandler.

Omg. I spent a lot of time crying because I didn't know that the movie was about what it was about. Grief. Reconnecting. Friendship. Sorrow.

Sandlers characters wife and 2 daughters had been killed in the plane that flew into the Twin Towers on 9/11. They were on the plane. Sandler couldn't handle the grief and he slipped in to an earlier time. He became the person he was back in college before meeting his wife.

The movie went thru the process of him meeting an old college friend and little by little they reconnected. Sandler is brought back to reality. A reality that he really never escaped from, just tried to hide away in a corner.

One scene in particular struck me. Adam Sandler was facing his in laws. It was just after an emotional court room battle. For years they had been trying to get him to admit and talk about his families death.

They wanted him to admit his wife was dead and move on. He looked at them, and in a perfectly rational voice said "You don't understand. I am alone. I am ALONE." the camera cuts to the in laws and then back to Sandler. He continues. "Yes, you lost a daughter, but at least you have each other, at least you have each other."

I had to pause the movie while I cried because that is something that most people just don't understand. Unless they have lost a love, one never to be replaced, you don't get how truely lonely it is.

We have to know that if we need them, we can feel/reach/hear them.

Sky Blue and Black
Jackson Browne

In the calling out to one another
Of the lovers up and down the strand
In the sound of the waves and the cries
Of the seagulls circling the sand
In the fragments of the songs
Carried down the wind from some radio
In the murmuring of the city in the distance
Ominous and low

I hear the sound of the world where we played
And the far too simple beauty
Of the promises we made

If you ever need holding
Call my name, I'll be there
If you ever need holding
And no holding back, I'll see you through
Sky blue and black

Where the touch of the lover ends
And the soul of the friend begins
There's a need to be separate and a need to be one
And a struggle neither wins
Where you gave me the world I was in
And a place I could make a stand
I could never see how you doubted me
When I'd let go of your hand

Yeah, and I was much younger then
And I must have thought that I would know
If things were going to end

And the heavens were rolling
Like a wheel on a track
And our sky was unfolding
And it'll never fold back
Sky blue and black

And I'd have fought the world for you
If I thought that you wanted me to
Or put aside what was true or untrue
If I'd known that's what you needed
What you needed me to do

But the moment has passed by me now
To have put away my pride
And just come through for you somehow

If you ever need holding
Call my name, I'll be there
If you ever need holding
And no holding back, I'll see you through

You're the color of the sky
Reflected in each store-front window pane
You're the whispering and the sighing
Of my tires
in the rain
You're the hidden cost and the thing that's lost
In everything I do
Yeah and I'll never stop looking for you
In the sunlight and the shadows
And the faces on the avenue
That's the way love is
That's the way love is
That's the way love is
Sky blue and black

A new decade

2010-01-01T00:46:00.001-05:00

Read this morning in my hometown paper:

And let us learn that the best way to remember is not by continually dwelling on tragedy, but by living our own lives to the fullest every day, as living memorials to those beautiful souls whose own lives were cut way, way too short.

2010

2009-12-31T21:14:00.002-05:00

2010 - the new decade not the movie.

I will be one of those people that will be saying "twenty ten" and one of those other people that will call it "two thousand ten". It will depend on what pops out of my brain when I say it. I don't like the sound of "twenty eleven" so when it gets to be a year from now what will I say.

This has been a decade of craziness. In 2000/2001 Jim and I were visiting a friend in NH and seated in front of a fireplace and we had the vhs in the vcr playing the intro music 2001 as the clock turned to midnight. We had packed and gone up there because that was when the world was going to come crashing down around us. I had the tub of TP, water, canned stuff, blankets and such in the car. I don't know if I ever told my friends about it.

It was in 2001 that my mom passed away and in 2002 we moved back to Jim's mom's house where we stayed. I don't remember much of 2003 or 2004 (I probably will after I type this out) but 2005 is when I had my bad accident and had to stop driving. 2006 Jim got his job with the super stressful job at the USPS and I started a new job. 2007 we lost Jim's brother in March and Jim in May and the world crashed around me. 2008 Dad passed away and more of the world crashed. 2009 was when I lost my dog.

That all sounds so sad. Okay, lets try again. 2001 we had a Dal picnic and I got to see several of the Dalmatians Jim and I had rescued and fostered come to visit with their new owners. In 2002 we moved. That was both good and bad so I will list it twice. I have to go look at what we did in 2003 and 2004. I know one thing was to get back in touch with my siblings and get much closer to my father. That was the best thing about moving back here. Dad and I bonded. In 2005 I learned once again how much Jim loved me. He was so patient with me about the accident and getting me to and from work. 2006 brought us our TiVo - a new toy that was a lot of fun and let our tv watching addiction get fulfilled by our not missing shows.

2007. Well before Jim died we visited Jim's brother in Georgia and it was a wonderful trip. One of the things his brother said at the funeral has always stuck with me. He said he knew how much we loved each other when in one stolen moment that we were visiting Jim was not feeling well and stayed in the car while the others went out to the store. I stayed with him and we held hands in the backseat and Jim kissed my hand and put his head on my shoulder. He said it was a precious moment that he viewed.
2008 I got my license back and inherited my dad's car. In 2009 I traded it in for cash for clunkers and got my new beautiful I love it Versa.

For the next decade? I don't know. I can only hope.

December 29

2009-12-29T22:20:00.002-05:00

It's another Tuesday morning. Another 29th.

I walked around remembering that horrid tuesday and still after 2 years and 7 months. It seems odd but the significance and thus memories it hit me at different times of this day.

The internet can find anything for you. Calculate time from one date to another.

945 days

81,648,000 seconds
1,360,800 minutes
22,680 hours
135 weeks

I am missing you Jimbo. Still and always missing you.